Covert narcissists are hard to spot by nature, hence the whole “covert” bit.
The good thing is that they’re not as slick as they’d like to think. You can tell exactly what kind of person they are by the things they say in everyday conversations. If you’re wondering whether or not you’re dealing with a narcissist in disguise, listen out for these phrases peppered into their conversations.
1. “I’m not like other people.”
This is meant to showcase some bizarre form of humility, but instead, it’s a subtle way to elevate themselves as a cut above the rest. They imply that they are special, unique, and not bound by the same rules or expectations as everyone else. It’s a way to create an illusion of superiority and garner admiration.
2. “You’re too sensitive.”
This is a classic gaslighting tactic used to invalidate your feelings and make you question your own sanity. They might say it after making a hurtful comment or dismissing your concerns. It’s a way to deflect blame and maintain control, so don’t fall for it. Having emotions is a good thing. The fact that they don’t is not your problem.
3. “I’m the only one who understands you.”
This is a manipulative way to isolate you from your support network and make you dependent on them. They might imply that your friends and family don’t truly care about you or understand your needs. It’s a way to create a sense of exclusivity and loyalty. Plenty of people in your life understand you much better than the narcissist does, and don’t let them make you forget it.
4. “You’re so lucky to have me.”
This is a subtle way to remind you of just how valuable they think they are and make you feel indebted to them. They might list their sacrifices or highlight their positive qualities. It’s a way to reinforce their importance and ensure your continued devotion. Also, someone who you’re lucky to have would make you feel that way via their actions, not tell you via their words. That’s pretty tacky.
5. “I’m just trying to help you.”
This seemingly altruistic statement often masks a hidden agenda. They might offer unsolicited advice, criticise your choices, or try to control your decisions. It’s a way to assert their authority and maintain their sense of superiority. Unless you explicitly asked for their advice and guidance, it’s not warranted, necessary, or even appropriate, and they need to back off.
6. “Why are you always so dramatic?”
This is another gaslighting tactic used to dismiss your emotions and make you feel like you’re overreacting. They might say it when you express anger, sadness, or frustration. It’s a way to invalidate your feelings and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. Having a reaction, even if it’s a heightened one, doesn’t make you dramatic. Chances are, it’s proportionate to their ongoing bad behaviour.
7. “You’re always the victim.”
This is a way to pass the blame and avoid accountability. They might accuse you of playing the victim whenever you try to express your concerns or grievances. It’s a way to make you feel like you’re the problem, not them. Plus, chances are when it comes to them, you are the victim.
8. “Nobody else would put up with you.”
This is a cruel and manipulative tactic used to take a swipe at your self-esteem and make you feel grateful for their presence. They might imply that you’re difficult, demanding, or unworthy of love. It’s a way to keep you insecure and dependent on their approval. It’s more like no one else would put up with them, anyway.
9. “I never said that.”
More gaslighting here, in which they deny saying something hurtful or manipulative, even if you clearly remember them saying it. This tactic can make you question your own memory and perception of reality, and can lead to feelings of self-doubt and confusion. There’s nothing wrong with your memory, believe that.
10. “You’re overthinking it.”
This is a dismissive line often used to shut down your concerns or questions. It’s a way of making you feel like your thoughts and feelings are not valid, and can lead to you second-guessing yourself and your instincts. A bit of thoughtfulness would go a long way in their life, so maybe they should take a page from your book.
11. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
Similar to “you’re overthinking it,” this brushes off and dismisses your concerns and makes you feel like you’re being unreasonable. It’s a way of invalidating your experiences and emotions, which is just not on. If something is a big deal to you, it should be a big deal to anyone who cares about you, simple as that.
12. “I was just joking.”
This is a common tactic used to disguise hurtful or manipulative comments as harmless jokes. They might say something insulting or demeaning, then claim it was just a joke if you react negatively. This can make you feel like you’re being overly sensitive, and can make it difficult to address the underlying issue.
13. “You’re imagining things.”
Denying your reality and trying to make you doubt your own judgment is one of a covert narcissist’s favourite moves. They might deny events that happened, or twist your words to make it seem like you’re misremembering or misunderstanding something. Again, your memory is doing just fine.
14. “You’re being paranoid.”
Covert narcissists use this to dismiss your concerns about their behaviour and make you feel like you’re being unreasonable. It’s a way of deflecting attention away from their own actions and making you question your own sanity. When someone is constantly playing mind games and gaslighting you, it’s normal to be “paranoid” that they’re going to do it again (because they likely are).
15. “If you really loved me, you would…”
This is manipulative and used to guilt-trip you into doing something you don’t want to do. They might use it to get you to change your behaviour, or to give them something they want. Don’t fall for it. You don’t have to do anything for anyone, no matter how much you care about them, and anyone who loved you wouldn’t expect it or even ask.
16. “I’m the only one who really knows you.”
This is a way of isolating you from your friends and family, and making you dependent on them. They might tell you that no one else understands you like they do, and that you should only listen to them. This can make it difficult for you to get support from people, and can make you feel like you have no one else to turn to.
