If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist—whether in a relationship, at work, or even in your own family—you’ll know how quickly the dynamic can start to feel one-sided and emotionally exhausting.
The trouble is, many people don’t realise they’re unintentionally feeding a narcissist’s ego by doing things that seem polite, kind, or simply conflict-avoidant. Narcissists thrive on control, praise, and special treatment. So if you’re always accommodating them without realising it, things only become more unbalanced and toxic. Here are some of the most common mistakes people make that keep a narcissist feeling powerful, often at their own expense.
1. Apologising just to keep the peace
When you say sorry just to smooth things over, especially when you’ve done nothing wrong, it reinforces the idea that their comfort matters more than fairness or accountability. It teaches the narcissist that they’re always right, and you’ll bend to avoid drama. This can quickly become a habit, and once they know you’re willing to shrink yourself to avoid conflict, they’ll lean into that dynamic hard. Over time, it chips away at your self-respect, and they only grow more entitled.
2. Over-explaining yourself
Narcissists often create confusion on purpose. When you constantly feel like you need to justify your choices, explain your feelings, or defend your boundaries, you end up giving them control of the conversation. That sort of over-justifying doesn’t reassure them—it actually feeds their ego by making you look uncertain or unsure of yourself. It invites them to pick apart your reasoning and keep the upper hand.
3. Downplaying your accomplishments
If you’ve ever kept quiet about something you’re proud of just to avoid triggering someone’s jealousy or mood swings, that’s a red flag. Narcissists want to feel like the most impressive person in the room, and they’ll make you feel guilty if you outshine them. By dimming your own light, you’re handing them centre stage. It’s one thing to be modest, but if you’re regularly suppressing your own wins to keep the peace, you’re giving them the ego boost they crave at your own expense.
4. Laughing off their hurtful comments
Narcissists often hide cruelty behind humour. They’ll say something rude, frame it as a joke, and wait to see if you react. If you laugh along or brush it off, they learn that they can keep pushing boundaries without consequence. As time goes on, this trains them to be even more careless with your feelings, knowing you won’t call them out. Laughing it off might feel easier in the moment, but it silently tells them their behaviour is acceptable.
5. Letting them dominate the conversation
Some narcissists talk endlessly about themselves and never ask how you’re doing, and if you let that pattern continue, they assume their life is just more interesting or important than yours. When you constantly make space for them to talk but hold back your own stories or struggles, it fuels their belief that they deserve more attention. Real conversations go both ways, but narcissists will happily take all the airtime you give them.
6. Agreeing with them just to avoid an argument
Going along with whatever they say, even when you really don’t agree, might feel like the easier option. However, it sets a dangerous precedent where they expect you to always validate their opinions, no matter how off-base they are. This creates an echo chamber where they feel superior and rarely challenged. It’s okay to disagree. And in fact, pushing back (even gently) can be the only way to avoid getting steamrolled by their version of the truth.
7. Ignoring the red flags because they “mean well”
Many narcissists don’t come across as villains at first. They can be charming, funny, even generous—until they’re not. But excusing toxic behaviour because they have “good intentions” only allows it to continue. Intentions don’t matter as much as impact. If someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries, manipulates conversations, or plays mind games, it doesn’t really matter if they didn’t mean to hurt you. What matters is that they keep doing it.
8. Letting them set all the rules
Narcissists love control. If they’re the one deciding when you talk, what you talk about, or even when they respond to your messages, that’s a power imbalance they’re fully aware of, and probably enjoying. When you fall into a pattern where you’re always adjusting to their schedule or preferences, you start to disappear in the relationship. A dynamic that centres them constantly will only get more lopsided over time.
9. Expecting them to eventually change
This one’s hard because hope can keep us stuck. You might think, “Maybe if I’m just more patient, they’ll start to see how much I care.” But narcissists rarely change unless they’re doing deep, intentional work. And many don’t see a reason to change. Waiting for them to “wake up” often means tolerating bad behaviour much longer than you should. You’re not responsible for fixing someone else’s ego issues, especially not when your well-being is taking the hit.
10. Over-functioning so they don’t have to
Narcissists often expect other people to pick up the slack—emotionally, practically, or financially. If you’re always the one solving problems, smoothing things over, or doing the heavy lifting in the relationship, they’re benefitting from your exhaustion. What’s worse, they usually don’t feel guilty about it. In fact, they may see your effort as something they deserve. The more you over-function, the more they under-function, and the more entitled they become.
11. Not setting consequences for bad behaviour
Narcissists don’t respond to polite boundaries. They respond to consequences. If you tell them something hurt, but you don’t do anything when it happens again, they learn that they can keep pushing. Without follow-through, boundaries just become empty suggestions. And narcissists are experts at spotting where the limits are soft. Being clear and consistent isn’t harsh—it’s necessary.
12. Trusting their words more than their actions
Narcissists can be incredibly convincing. They might apologise, promise to do better, or say exactly what you want to hear, but what they say often doesn’t line up with what they do. If you find yourself constantly giving them another chance based on their words instead of their behaviour, you’re giving their ego more credit than their patterns deserve. Actions really do speak louder, and narcissists rely on the fact that many people forget that.
13. Seeking their approval too often
It’s easy to want affirmation, especially from someone who once made you feel special. However, constantly chasing their praise only gives them more power over how you see yourself. Narcissists know how to withhold approval as a control tactic. The more you try to “earn” it, the more they get to decide your worth. Learning to validate yourself is one of the biggest power moves you can make.
14. Making excuses for their behaviour to other people
When someone mistreats you, but you tell your friends “they’re just stressed” or “they didn’t mean it,” you’re not protecting them—you’re covering for them, and narcissists count on that. By minimising or hiding what’s really going on, you shield them from accountability. The truth is, if you wouldn’t accept that behaviour from a stranger, it probably doesn’t deserve a pass from someone close to you either.
15. Forgetting that your needs matter too
In narcissistic dynamics, it’s easy to get so focused on keeping the peace that you forget to check in with yourself. What do you want? How do you feel? Are you being heard, supported, and respected? Your needs aren’t selfish. They’re valid. And if someone consistently ignores or belittles them, it’s not a healthy relationship—it’s an arrangement that only works in their favour.
