Some people have mastered the art of being incredibly rude while maintaining plausible deniability.
They do so by using phrases that sound almost reasonable but are designed to make you feel small, stupid, or uncomfortable. These verbal weapons often get passed off as honesty, humour, or helpful advice, but they’re actually just socially acceptable ways of being cruel to other people.
1. “No offence, but…” followed by something obviously offensive
This is basically a get-out-of-jail-free card that people use before saying something deliberately hurtful. The disclaimer doesn’t actually make the following statement less offensive. It just shows they know they’re about to be rude and want to avoid consequences.
If you wouldn’t say it without the disclaimer, don’t say it at all. “No offence” doesn’t give you permission to insult people or share unnecessarily harsh opinions about their choices, appearance, or life decisions.
2. “You look tired” when someone isn’t wearing makeup or looks different
This comment is rarely about actual concern for someone’s well-being and usually just a passive-aggressive way of saying they don’t look as good as usual. It makes people self-conscious about their appearance while disguising criticism as caring observation.
Unless someone has specifically mentioned being exhausted or asked about their appearance, keep observations about how tired they look to yourself. Most people know how they look and don’t need commentary on their appearance from other people.
3. “I’m just being honest” after saying something unnecessarily harsh
Brutal honesty without kindness or consideration is just cruelty with a virtuous excuse. People use this statement to justify saying things that are true but completely unnecessary, unhelpful, or delivered in the worst possible way.
Honesty doesn’t require you to share every negative thought or observation. True honesty includes being honest about your motivations, and often these comments are more about making yourself feel superior than helping the other person.
4. “That’s an interesting choice” about someone’s outfit, hairstyle, or decisions
This one sounds neutral but carries clear disapproval and judgement. It’s a socially acceptable way of saying you think someone has made a poor decision while maintaining the pretence that you’re not being critical.
If you don’t have anything genuinely positive to say about someone’s choices, just don’t comment. Your opinion about other people’s personal style or life decisions usually isn’t needed or wanted unless specifically requested.
5. “Must be nice” when someone shares good news or talks about their life
This response turns someone’s positive moment into an opportunity to express your own resentment or to make them feel guilty about their good fortune. It moves focus from their happiness to all the disadvantages you’ve convinced yourself you have.
Celebrate other people’s good news without making it about your own situation. If you can’t be genuinely happy for someone, at least don’t make them feel bad for sharing positive things with you.
6. “You would say that” dismissing someone’s opinion based on their identity
This reduces someone’s thoughts and opinions to stereotypes about their demographics, background, or circumstances. It’s a way of avoiding engaging with their actual arguments by suggesting their perspective is predictable and therefore invalid.
Engage with people’s ideas rather than dismissing them based on who’s saying them. Everyone’s opinions are shaped by their experiences, but that doesn’t make their perspectives automatically wrong or unworthy of consideration.
7. “Are you sure you want to eat that?” commenting on food choices
Unless someone has specifically asked for your input on their dietary decisions, or you’re their doctor, commenting on what other people eat is inappropriate and often rooted in judgement about their health, weight, or self-control.
Other people’s food choices are none of your business unless they’ve made them your business. These comments often say more about your own food anxieties than about their actual eating habits or health needs.
8. “I forgot you were here” when someone finally speaks up in a group
This comment makes quiet people feel invisible and unwelcome, while disguising the rudeness as surprise or humour. It suggests that their presence doesn’t matter and that their contributions aren’t expected or valued.
Acknowledge what quieter people bring to the table positively rather than pointing out their previous silence. Some people take time to feel comfortable speaking up, and making them feel forgotten discourages future participation.
9. “That’s not how I would do it” when someone’s handling a situation
Unless you’ve been asked for advice or input, this comment is just criticism disguised as observation. It implies that their approach is wrong simply because it differs from yours, without considering that multiple approaches can be valid.
Recognise that different methods can achieve the same results, and that your way isn’t automatically better. If someone’s approach is working for them and not harming anyone, keep your alternative suggestions to yourself unless requested.
10. “You’re so sensitive” when someone reacts to your inappropriate comment
This blames the other person for having feelings about something you said, rather than taking responsibility for saying something hurtful. It’s a way of deflecting accountability while making them feel bad for having normal emotional responses.
If someone tells you that your words hurt them, the appropriate response is to apologise and consider their feedback, not to criticise them for being affected by what you said.
11. “Not to be rude, but…” before saying something obviously rude
Source: Unsplash Like “no offence,” this disclaimer doesn’t actually prevent the following statement from being rude. Instead, it just shows you’re aware that what you’re about to say is inappropriate, but you’re going to say it anyway.
If you have to preface a comment with warnings about rudeness, that’s your cue to reconsider whether the comment needs to be made at all. The disclaimer doesn’t make the rudeness acceptable.
12. “Some people just can’t handle the truth” when other people don’t appreciate your harsh comments
Source: Unsplash This positions you as the brave truth-teller, while casting other people as weak or delusional for not appreciating your brutal honesty. It’s a way of avoiding responsibility for how you deliver information or whether your “truth” is actually helpful.
Consider whether your truth-telling is motivated by genuine concern for other people, or by a desire to feel superior. Often the people who “can’t handle the truth” are just tired of having it delivered without kindness or consideration.
13. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but…” while actively interrupting
This acknowledges that you’re about to do something rude while doing it anyway. It’s particularly annoying because it shows you understand interrupting is inappropriate, but you’re prioritising your need to speak over their right to finish their thought.
If you don’t mean to interrupt, then wait for an appropriate pause in the conversation. The acknowledgment doesn’t make the interruption less disruptive or disrespectful to the person who was speaking.
14. “You always” or “You never” making absolute statements about someone’s behaviour
These generalisations are almost always inaccurate and designed to make someone feel bad about patterns in their behaviour. They’re conversation stoppers that focus on attacking character rather than addressing specific issues or finding solutions.
Address specific behaviours and situations rather than making sweeping statements about someone’s character or habits. “Always” and “never” statements usually lead to defensive arguments rather than productive conversations.
15. “If I were you…” giving unsolicited advice about personal decisions
This statement assumes that your perspective and circumstances apply to someone else’s completely different situation. It’s often used to share opinions that weren’t requested, while making it seem like helpful guidance rather than unwanted judgement.
Remember that you’re not them, and you don’t have complete information about their situation, constraints, or priorities. Unless someone asks for advice, assume they’re capable of making their own decisions without your input.
16. “At least…” as a way of minimising someone’s problems by comparing them to worse situations
When someone shares a challenge they’re experiencing, responding with, “At least you don’t have [worse problem]…” dismisses their feelings and suggests they shouldn’t be struggling with their current situation because other people have it worse.
Acknowledge people’s struggles without ranking them against global suffering or other people’s problems. Someone can be grateful for their circumstances while still finding their current issues hard and worth addressing.
