Holding grudges doesn’t hurt the other person, but it definitely holds you back in a number of ways.
You think you’re keeping score or making sure they don’t get away with whatever it is they did, but funnily enough, you’re the only one losing sleep. That knot in your stomach when you hear their name doesn’t touch them—it just ruins your afternoon. Letting that go doesn’t mean what they did was okay, but it’s actually a pretty selfish move to get your own headspace back from someone who doesn’t deserve to live there anymore.
The reality is that moving on isn’t some big, cinematic moment of forgiveness where the sun comes out. It’s more of a slow, slightly annoying process of choosing to stop picking at the scab. It’s about deciding your own peace is worth way more than being right or waiting for an apology that’s never going to show up. You just have to change how you’re looking at the wreckage and start putting your energy elsewhere. Here’s how to get there.
1. Don’t deny or judge yourself for how you feel.
The first step in letting go of a grudge is to recognise and accept your emotions. It’s perfectly normal to feel hurt, angry, or betrayed. Allow yourself to experience these feelings without criticising yourself for having them. Write down your thoughts in a journal or speak them aloud in private. Doing so can help you gain clarity on the situation and begin to separate your emotions from the facts of what happened.
2. Show a bit of empathy for the person who wronged you.
Try to view the situation from the other person’s perspective. That doesn’t mean excusing their behaviour, but rather attempting to understand it. Consider what circumstances or experiences might have led them to act as they did. Perhaps they were going through a difficult time or were unaware of how their actions would affect you. Cultivating empathy can help soften your anger and make it easier to let go of your grudge.
3. Focus on the present moment rather than dwelling on past hurts.
Grudges often keep us tethered to the past, preventing us from fully engaging with the present. When you find yourself ruminating on old grievances, gently redirect your attention to the here and now. Engage your senses by noticing what you can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel in your immediate environment. Developing a mindfulness practice can help break the cycle of negative thoughts and bring you back to the present moment, where you have the power to choose your reactions and shape your future.
4. Reframe the narrative to focus on personal growth.
Instead of viewing yourself as a victim, try to reframe the experience as an opportunity for personal development. Consider what lessons you’ve learned from the situation. Perhaps it’s taught you to set clearer boundaries, to communicate more effectively, or to trust your instincts. By changing your perspective in this way, you can transform a negative experience into a catalyst for positive change in your life.
5. Practice forgiveness meditation to cultivate compassion.
Forgiveness meditation is a powerful tool for releasing grudges. Find a quiet space and close your eyes. Visualise the person you’re holding a grudge against and silently repeat phrases like “I forgive you” or “May we both find peace”. It’s important to note that forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the person’s actions or forgetting what happened. Instead, it’s about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment. Regular practice of this meditation can gradually soften your feelings and promote inner peace.
6. Set clear boundaries to protect yourself in the future.
Letting go of a grudge doesn’t mean you have to leave yourself vulnerable to future harm. Reflect on what boundaries you need to establish to protect your mental health. Maybe that means limiting contact with the person, being clear about what behaviour you will and won’t accept, or removing yourself from situations that make you uncomfortable. Communicating these boundaries clearly and consistently can help you feel more in control and less likely to accumulate new grudges.
7. Work up a bit of a sweat to release pent-up emotions.
Physical exercise can be an excellent way to release the tension and negative energy associated with grudges. Try activities that involve rhythmic movement, such as running, swimming, or dancing. As you move, imagine yourself physically leaving behind your grudge with each step or stroke. Boxing or martial arts classes can also provide a healthy outlet for anger and frustration. The goal is not to fuel your resentment, but to channel that energy into something positive and rejuvenating for your body and mind.
8. Write a letter to the person, but don’t send it.
Sometimes, expressing your feelings in writing can be incredibly cathartic. Sit down and write a letter to the person you’re holding a grudge against. Be completely honest about your feelings and experiences. Detail how their actions affected you and what you wish had happened differently. Once you’ve finished, read the letter aloud to yourself. Then, instead of sending it, choose a symbolic way to dispose of it — you might burn it safely, tear it up, or bury it in the garden. This ritual can help you feel heard and provide a sense of closure.
9. Consider therapy if you’re struggling to let go.
If you find that your grudge is deeply entrenched and affecting your daily life, it might be time to set some professional help. A therapist or counsellor can provide you with personalised strategies to process your emotions and move forward. They might use techniques such as cognitive behavioural therapy to help you reframe negative thought patterns, or explore deeper issues that might be contributing to your difficulty in letting go.
10. Find things to be grateful for to shift your focus to the positive aspects of life.
Cultivating gratitude can be a powerful antidote to the negative emotions associated with grudges. Each day, take a few moments to reflect on things you’re thankful for. It could be as simple as a sunny day after days of rain, or maybe a really good latte from a cafe that just opened in your town. By regularly focusing on the good in your life, you can gradually shift your mental energy away from past hurts and towards present joys. Consider keeping a gratitude journal to make this practice a consistent part of your routine.
11. Use visualisation techniques to symbolically release your grudge.
Visualisation can be a powerful tool in letting go of grudges. Find a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and imagine your grudge as a physical object in your hands. It might be a heavy stone, a thorny plant, or any other representation that feels right to you. Now, visualise yourself releasing this object, perhaps dropping it into a flowing river, watching it float away, or burying it in the earth. As you do this, feel the weight lifting from your shoulders. Repeat this visualisation whenever you feel the grudge resurfacing.
12. Engage in acts of kindness to counteract negative feelings.
Performing acts of kindness can help shift your focus from negative emotions to positive actions. That doesn’t mean you need to be kind to the person you’re holding a grudge against. Instead, look for opportunities to be kind to people in your daily life. It really could be as simple as holding a door open, offering a genuine compliment, or volunteering for a local charity. These acts of kindness can boost your mood, increase your sense of connection with the world around you, and help put your grudge into perspective.
13. Create a ‘letting go’ ritual to mark your decision to move on.
Rituals can be powerful tools for psychological and emotional transitions. Create a personal ritual to symbolise your decision to let go of your grudge. Maybe that means writing down your grievances on a piece of paper and then safely burning it, releasing a balloon into the sky, or planting a seed to represent new growth. Choose something that feels meaningful to you. As you perform your ritual, state your intention to let go of the grudge and move forward. It can serve as a clear marker in your mind, signalling the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.
14. Focus on self-improvement rather than dwelling on past injustices.
Instead of expending energy on maintaining your grudge, redirect that focus towards self-improvement. Set personal goals that excite and motivate you. It could be learning a new skill, working towards a career aspiration, or improving your physical health. As you work towards these goals, you’ll likely find that your grudge takes up less space in your mind. You’ll be too busy growing and evolving to dwell on past hurts. Remember, the best revenge is living well, and that starts with investing in yourself and your own happiness.
