When arguing with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, you’ll notice they use specific phrases designed to derail productive conversation and maintain control. These verbal tactics are carefully chosen to confuse, deflect, and frustrate you while positioning themselves as the reasonable party in the conflict.
1. “This is what you do.”
This one is all about pointing the finger and passing the blame. Instead of addressing what they’ve done, they flip it back onto you, making it sound like your feelings are the real issue. It leaves you defending your right to be upset instead of focusing on their behaviour. Stand firm in your feelings and don’t get dragged into debating whether you’re “too sensitive.” Keep it simple and bring the conversation back to what actually happened.
2. “I never said that.”
Classic denial. Even when you know full well what was said, this line plants seeds of doubt and makes you second-guess your own memory. It’s a subtle way of rewriting history to suit them. Stick to your version without going around in circles. If it’s something important, write it down so you’ve got a record. That way, you’re less likely to be gaslit into doubting yourself.
3. “You always do this.”
Turning a single disagreement into some huge personality flaw is a favourite trick. Instead of talking about what just happened, suddenly you’re being told this is “who you are.” It’s a way of dodging responsibility while putting you on the defensive. Bring it back to the moment. You’re not discussing your entire character, you’re discussing a specific situation – and that’s where the focus should stay.
4. “You’re just like your mother/father.”
Dragging family into an argument is meant to sting. It shifts attention away from the issue and taps into your insecurities. It also suggests your behaviour is “baked in” rather than something you can change. Don’t waste energy defending yourself or your family – point out that it’s irrelevant and unhelpful. Keep the focus where it belongs: on what’s happening between you.
5. “Everyone thinks you’re crazy.”
This one’s designed to isolate you. By hinting that “everyone” agrees with them, they’re trying to make you feel like you’re on your own and unreasonable. Ask who exactly said it and when because nine times out of ten, it’s made up on the spot. Calling out the vagueness helps cut through the tactic.
6. “I was just joking.”
Dressing up nasty remarks as humour is a way to dodge accountability. The second you call them out, suddenly you’re the one who “can’t take a joke.” The reality is, jokes should be funny to more than just the person telling them. Point out that hiding behind humour doesn’t undo the hurt, and it doesn’t excuse the comment either.
7. “You made me do it.”
This one takes the responsibility right off their shoulders and dumps it onto yours. Whatever they did, apparently it’s your fault for pushing them. The truth is, everyone chooses how they respond. Remind yourself, and them if you feel up to it, that nobody forces bad behaviour. That choice is theirs alone.
8. “Why can’t you just let it go?”
On the surface, this sounds reasonable, but really it’s a way of shutting you down. They want you to drop it without actually working through the issue. Moving on only works when things are properly resolved. You’re allowed to want an apology, acknowledgement, or actual change, not just to sweep it under the rug.
9. “You’re being dramatic.”
Label your reaction as “dramatic” and suddenly the problem isn’t what they did, it’s how you responded. It’s minimising in its purest form. Don’t get drawn into defending your emotions. Instead, stick to facts and clear examples. That makes it harder for them to dismiss what you’re saying as some kind of performance.
10. “I don’t remember it that way.”
This is a softer version of “I never said that.” It sounds more reasonable, but it still undermines your memory and muddies the water. People can remember things differently, sure – but that doesn’t erase your experience. If it becomes a pattern, suggest writing things down to avoid these “misunderstandings.”
11. “You’re trying to control me.”
This is their way of flipping the script. The second you ask for boundaries or raise concerns, suddenly you’re the controlling one. Boundaries aren’t about control, though—they’re about respect. You’re not dictating their every move; you’re saying what behaviour you’re not willing to accept. That’s a right you’ve always got.
12. “Fine, I’m the worst person in the world.”
This melodramatic surrender puts you in the position of comforting them instead of tackling the issue. It’s a guilt trip disguised as self-pity. Don’t get pulled into reassuring them. Stay focused on the behaviour that upset you. They might not like it, but that’s the only way anything changes.
13. “You’re attacking my character.”
They’ll say this when you point out a specific behaviour, turning it into a full-blown character assassination in their eyes. It moves the conversation from what they did to how you said it. Keep your language clear: “I’m talking about this action, not who you are as a person.” It leaves them less room to wriggle out.
14. “I already apologised for that.”
Apologies mean very little if the behaviour hasn’t changed. This is meant to close the topic for good, even when the issue is still ongoing. Make it clear that saying sorry once doesn’t grant a free pass forever. Until there’s actual change, the conversation is still on the table.
