Empathy is one of the most important traits we can have as human beings, but not everyone does.
You know when someone says something that just hits you wrong, but you can’t quite put your finger on why it stings so much? Often, it’s because they’ve just shown you they don’t actually care about your feelings at all. While they could show sympathy and care even if they don’t agree with or understand where you’re coming from, these statements prove they’re not interested in any of that.
1. “Maybe you’re being a little too sensitive on this.”
Source: Unsplash This one’s brutal because it dismisses your feelings completely while making it sound like the problem is with you for having them in the first place. They’re basically telling you that your emotional response to something is wrong or excessive, rather than trying to understand why you feel that way.
What they’re really saying is that your feelings are inconvenient for them, so they’d rather shut you down than deal with the discomfort of acknowledging they might’ve hurt you. Someone with empathy would ask why you’re upset, not tell you that being upset is your fault.
2. “That’s not how I meant it.”
Source: Unsplash When someone hurts your feelings and their first response is to defend their intentions rather than acknowledge your pain, they’re showing you that their comfort matters more than your hurt. It’s like they think good intentions cancel out any damage they’ve done.
But impact matters just as much as intent, doesn’t it? Someone who truly cares about you would say sorry first and worry about explaining themselves later. They’d want to understand how their words affected you rather than immediately jumping to self-defence.
3. “You need to get over it.”
This is basically them telling you that your healing process is taking too long for their liking, like grief or hurt should work on their schedule rather than yours. They want you to hurry up and stop being affected by whatever happened so they can feel comfortable again.
Real empathy understands that everyone processes things differently, and that you can’t just switch off difficult emotions because someone else finds them inconvenient. They’d offer support for your healing, rather than pressure you to speed it up for their benefit.
4. “At least it’s not as bad as…”
Comparing your problems to worse situations might seem helpful, but it’s actually a way of minimising what you’re going through. They’re telling you that your struggles don’t count because someone somewhere has it worse, which completely misses the point of supporting someone.
Your pain is valid regardless of what’s happening to other people, and someone with empathy would understand that. They’d focus on how you’re feeling right now instead of trying to put your problems in some kind of hierarchy of suffering.
5. “You always do this” or “You never…”
When you’re trying to talk about a specific situation, and they respond with sweeping statements about your character or behaviour patterns, they’re deflecting from the actual issue. Instead of dealing with what’s happening now, they’re making it about what they see as your flaws.
This shows they’re more interested in winning the argument than understanding your perspective. Someone who cares about your feelings would stick to the situation at hand rather than turning it into an attack on who you are as a person.
6. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about this.”
Just because something doesn’t seem important to them doesn’t mean it shouldn’t matter to you, but this shows they can’t see past their own perspective. They’re basically saying that if they wouldn’t be bothered by it, you shouldn’t be, either.
Empathy means recognising that people can have completely different reactions to the same situation, and that’s okay. Someone who truly cares would try to understand why it matters to you, rather than dismissing it because it wouldn’t affect them the same way.
7. “You’re overreacting.”
This is another way of telling you that your emotional response is wrong or inappropriate, like there’s some objective standard for how much feeling is acceptable in any given situation. They’re positioning themselves as the judge of whether your reaction is reasonable.
But they’re not living your life or dealing with your circumstances, are they? Someone with empathy would recognise that your reaction makes sense from your perspective, even if they might respond differently themselves.
8. “That’s just how I am.”
When someone uses this line to excuse behaviour that hurts you, they’re basically saying they have no intention of changing or even trying to be more considerate. It’s like they think their personality is set in stone, and you just have to accept whatever damage they do.
Real empathy involves caring enough about someone to modify your behaviour when you know it affects them negatively. Using “that’s just how I am” is a way of avoiding responsibility for how their actions impact other people.
9. “Why can’t you just be happy?”
This question shows they see your emotions as something you can control like a light switch, and they’re frustrated that you won’t just flip to the setting they prefer. It completely ignores whatever circumstances are causing your unhappiness.
Someone who actually cares would want to understand what’s making you unhappy and how they might help, rather than just demanding that you change your emotional state to make them more comfortable.
10. “You’re lucky that’s all that happened.”
When you’re dealing with something difficult, and they respond by pointing out how much worse it could’ve been, they’re minimising your experience rather than acknowledging it. It’s like they think you should be grateful for your problems rather than upset about them.
This completely misses the point that you’re looking for understanding and support, not a reminder that worse things exist. Empathy means sitting with someone in their pain, not trying to talk them out of feeling it.
11. “I don’t see what the problem is.”
Just because they can’t see an issue doesn’t mean there isn’t one, but this shows they’re not even trying to understand your perspective. They’re basically saying that if something doesn’t make sense to them immediately, it’s not worth exploring further.
Someone with empathy would ask questions to try to understand what you’re seeing that they’re missing, rather than dismissing your concerns because they don’t immediately grasp them. They’d be curious about your viewpoint rather than dismissive of it.
12. “You’re obviously choosing to be upset about this.”
This statement treats emotions like they’re completely voluntary, as if you’re deliberately deciding to feel bad just to be difficult. It shows they think you could just choose to feel differently if you really wanted to, which completely misunderstands how emotions actually work.
Real empathy recognises that feelings aren’t always rational or controllable, and that dismissing someone’s emotions as a choice they’re making is both unhelpful and unkind. They’d try to support you through difficult feelings rather than blaming you for having them.
