It always seems to happen when you’re least expecting it—you’re in the middle of something, and knock knock—there they are.
Religious visitors, armed with pamphlets and a rehearsed speech, ready to “save” you whether you asked for it or not. While some people enjoy a friendly chat, others just want to get back to their day without an awkward doorstep debate. If you’re in the second group, here are a few ways to make them leave fast without being rude (unless they push their luck).
1. The classic “I’m not interested” tends to work.
Sometimes, the simplest approach is the best. A polite but firm “I’m not interested, but have a great day” usually does the trick. No need to over-explain or engage in a debate—just shut it down quickly. If they keep pushing, repeat yourself and start closing the door. The less you say, the less chance they have to continue the conversation.
2. Pretend you don’t speak English.
It might feel a little sneaky, but acting like you don’t understand them is a great way to end the conversation fast. Just smile, shake your head, and throw out a random language phrase—something simple like “No hablo inglés.” If they don’t have a translator handy, they’ll usually take the hint and move on. If they persist, just keep repeating the same phrase until they give up.
3. Answer in a bathrobe and look dishevelled.
If you answer the door looking like you just woke up—messy hair, robe half open, coffee in hand—most visitors will feel awkward and wrap things up quickly. For extra effect, rub your eyes and mumble something about just waking up from a very weird dream. If you really want to commit, throw in a dramatic yawn and stare off into the distance.
4. Act overly excited and invite them in.
Most religious visitors are used to rejection, but what they don’t expect? Enthusiastic acceptance. Smile big and say, “Oh wow! I’ve been waiting for someone to talk to about my beliefs. Come in, this is going to be great!” Watch them suddenly remember they have somewhere else to be. The faster you show excitement, the faster they will back away.
5. Tell them you already converted.
They’re usually looking for people who haven’t joined their faith yet, so why not cut to the chase? “Oh, I actually already joined last month! Thanks for stopping by, though.” If they ask for details, just nod and say, “Yep, got the whole welcome package. Great stuff.” Then slowly close the door before they have time to ask more.
6. Start asking them the tough questions.
Turn the tables and start questioning them about their faith. “So, what happens if two people disagree on a scripture verse? Who decides who’s right?” or “What’s your stance on dinosaurs? Just curious.” They’re used to steering the conversation, so if you make them uncomfortable with deep or weird questions, they’ll wrap it up quickly. The more offbeat your questions, the better.
7. Act like you’re about to cry.
Nothing makes strangers panic like unexpected emotions. As soon as they start talking, take a deep breath and whisper, “This reminds me of her…” then stare at the ground. If they hesitate, shake your head and say, “I just need a moment.” They’ll be gone before you can blink. Bonus points if you throw in a shaky sigh for dramatic effect.
8. Pretend you’re extremely busy.
Crack the door open just enough to peek out and say, “Oh hey, sorry, can’t talk! I’m in the middle of something super urgent!” Bonus points if you’re holding a ladle like you’re in the middle of cooking, or wearing workout gear and acting like you were just about to leave. People don’t want to feel like they’re intruding, so they’ll usually back off.
9. Blame your landlord.
If you live in a flat or rented accommodation, a simple “Sorry, my landlord doesn’t allow solicitors” is a quick way to end things. Even if it’s not technically true, they won’t argue. If they ask for more details, just say, “Yeah, he’s super strict about it. Anyway, have a good one!” and close the door before they can find a loophole.
10. Hand them a pamphlet.
If they give you a pamphlet, smile and say, “Oh, I have something for you too!” Then hand them a completely unrelated flyer—maybe a pizza menu, a gym coupon, or a piece of junk mail. The confusion alone will throw them off, and they’ll likely leave just to process what happened. If you really want to make an impression, hand them a homemade flyer about your own spiritual philosophy.
11. Mention your unconventional beliefs.
If they start talking about their faith, act fascinated and say, “Oh wow, I’d love to learn more! But first, can I tell you about my spiritual practices?” Then start talking about moon rituals, energy healing, or your deep belief in the power of aliens. If they stick around after that, they’re braver than most. The key is making them feel like you are the one trying to convert them.
12. Play loud, intense music in the background.
When you answer the door, have dramatic music blasting from inside—death metal, horror movie soundtracks, or something equally unsettling. Act completely normal while they try to talk over it. They’ll wrap things up fast when they realise they can’t focus over the sound of screaming guitars or creepy violin shrieks.
13. Tell them you already gave.
If they’re collecting donations for their church, a quick “Oh, I already contributed online last week!” will stop the pitch before it starts. Even if they’re not asking for money, acting like you’re already involved with their group gives them no reason to stay. If they ask for proof, just say, “Oh, I don’t keep receipts for that kind of thing.”
14. Just don’t open the door.
The simplest solution? Just ignore them. If you don’t recognise the person at your door, there’s no rule saying you have to answer. If they keep knocking, just carry on with your day. No interaction, no awkwardness, just sweet, sweet silence. If they peek through the window and see you, just pretend you didn’t notice them. Problem solved.
