Just because your parents stayed together when you were growing up doesn’t mean it was a healthy situation.
If they had a toxic relationship, particularly thanks to your father, that stays with you. Growing up seeing your dad treat your mum badly doesn’t just hurt in the moment—it shapes how you view relationships, yourself, and what love looks like throughout your entire life. Here are some of the ways this impacts men the most when they become adults.
1. They struggle to recognise healthy relationship dynamics
When conflict, yelling, or emotional manipulation was normal at home, calm and respectful relationships can feel foreign or even boring. These men might unconsciously create drama because chaos feels more familiar than peace, or they might not recognise red flags in their own relationships.
Learn what healthy relationships actually look like by observing couples who communicate well and treat each other with respect. Read about healthy relationship patterns and consider therapy to unlearn the toxic dynamics you witnessed growing up.
2. They either become controlling or completely passive in relationships.
Some men copy their father’s controlling behaviour because that’s what they learned about being a man in relationships, and others swing completely the opposite way and become overly passive to avoid being like their dad. Both extremes create relationship problems and prevent genuine partnership.
Work on finding the middle ground between being controlling and being a doormat. Work on expressing your needs clearly without demanding compliance, and learn to stand up for yourself without becoming aggressive or manipulative, like your father was.
3. They might not know how to express their emotions in healthy ways.
If their father only showed anger and never demonstrated vulnerability, sadness, or affection appropriately, these men often struggle with the full range of human emotions. They might bottle everything up until they explode, or use anger as their default response to all difficult feelings.
Try identifying and naming your emotions before they build up to overwhelming levels. Start small by sharing feelings with trusted friends or partners, and consider that vulnerability is actually a sign of strength rather than weakness.
4. They worry about becoming like their father and overcompensate.
The terror of repeating their father’s behaviour can lead to overcompensating in the opposite direction, avoiding conflict entirely or being overly accommodating even when it’s not healthy. That fear can paralyse them in relationships and prevent them from addressing genuine issues.
Recognise that being aware of your father’s mistakes already makes you different from him. You can address relationship problems directly and assertively without becoming abusive. Healthy conflict resolution is possible and necessary for good relationships.
5. They could struggle with self-worth and confidence.
Watching their mother being mistreated often makes these men feel powerless and inadequate for not being able to protect her. This can develop into deep-seated feelings of worthlessness and the belief that they’re fundamentally flawed or destined to hurt people they love.
Challenge negative self-talk by recognising that as a child, you weren’t responsible for protecting your mother from your father’s behaviour. Work on building self-worth through your own actions and achievements, rather than carrying shame for things outside your control.
6. They tend to have trust issues with women and relationships.
Seeing their mother hurt repeatedly can create suspicion that women will either hurt them, or that they’ll inevitably hurt women they care about. They might keep emotional distance to protect themselves or their partners from potential pain, which prevents deep connection.
Understand that your mother’s experience doesn’t predict what will happen in your relationships. Each person and relationship is different, and you have the power to create something healthy and different from what you witnessed growing up.
7. They struggle with anger management and emotional regulation.
Growing up in a household where anger was expressed through violence, yelling, or intimidation often means these men never learned healthy ways to process and express frustration. They might explode over small things or stuff feelings down until they become overwhelming.
Learn healthy anger management techniques like taking breaks when you feel heated, using physical exercise to discharge anger energy, and expressing frustration through words rather than actions. Anger is normal, but how you express it makes all the difference.
8. They sometimes find it hard to set appropriate boundaries.
Without witnessing healthy boundary-setting at home, these men often struggle to know what’s reasonable to expect from other people and what they should tolerate. They might accept poor treatment because it feels normal, or be overly rigid because they’re overcompensating.
Study what healthy boundaries look like in relationships and practice setting them gradually. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re guidelines that help relationships function better and protect everyone’s well-being and dignity.
9. They usually either struggle with commitment or rush into relationships.
Some men avoid serious relationships entirely because they’re terrified of repeating their parents’ toxic dynamic, and others jump into commitment quickly, hoping to prove they can do better. Both approaches prevent them from developing relationships at a natural, healthy pace.
Take time to understand your own patterns and motivations in relationships. Work on yourself first so you can enter relationships from a place of choice rather than fear or desperation to prove something.
10. They struggle with intimacy and emotional closeness.
If vulnerability and emotional openness were punished or used as weapons in their childhood home, these men often struggle to be emotionally intimate with partners. They might feel safer keeping people at arm’s length rather than risking the kind of pain they witnessed.
Practice emotional intimacy in small steps with trusted people. Share minor vulnerabilities first and build up to deeper emotional sharing as you learn that intimacy doesn’t have to lead to pain or manipulation.
11. They usually have complicated relationships with their mothers.
These men often feel protective of their mothers, but also resentful that she didn’t leave or protect them from witnessing the abuse. They might feel guilty for having negative feelings about her situation, or struggle with their role as her protector or confidant.
Recognise that your mother was also a victim in an abusive situation, and that leaving isn’t always simple or safe. Consider family therapy to work through these complex feelings and establish healthier boundaries with your mother.
12. They regularly struggle with communication and conflict resolution.
Never seeing healthy disagreement or productive conflict resolution means these men often lack the skills to address problems effectively. They might avoid conflict entirely or handle it aggressively because those are the only models they witnessed.
Learn and practise healthy communication skills like active listening, using “I” statements, and taking breaks when discussions get heated. Conflict can actually strengthen relationships when handled respectfully and constructively.
13. They may have some issues with masculinity and male identity.
Seeing their father use aggression and control as expressions of masculinity can leave these men confused about what it means to be a man in healthy ways. They might reject traditional masculine traits entirely or feel like they have to prove their masculinity through dominance.
Explore what healthy masculinity looks like beyond aggression and control. Strength can be shown through protection, emotional intelligence, leadership, and responsibility rather than dominance over other people.
14. They carry hypervigilance and anxiety into relationships.
Growing up in an unpredictable, volatile environment often creates chronic anxiety and hypervigilance that carries into adult relationships. These men might constantly scan for signs of conflict or danger even in safe, stable relationships.
Practice relaxation techniques and mindfulness to help your nervous system learn that you’re safe now. Consider therapy to address trauma responses that are keeping you in a state of constant alertness even when there’s no real threat.
