Narcissists are masters at damage control when they sense you’re pulling away or seeing through their behaviour.
They’ve got a whole toolkit of manipulative tactics designed to reel you back in just when you’re starting to establish boundaries or consider leaving. These strategies are calculated, often rehearsed, and specifically designed to exploit your emotions and compassion against you. The good thing is that the earlier you recognise them, the less effective they become.
1. They suddenly become the victim of everything.
The moment you confront them about their behaviour, they flip the script and become the wounded party. Suddenly, they’re the ones being attacked, misunderstood, or treated unfairly by you and everyone else in their life.
Their victim routine is designed to make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself. They know that decent people don’t like to see other people in pain, so they weaponise your empathy to get you to back down from your legitimate concerns.
2. Love bombing makes a dramatic comeback.
Out comes the charm offensive that probably hooked you in the first place. They shower you with affection, compliments, gifts, and promises of change. The person who’s been cold and dismissive suddenly can’t live without you.
The intense attention feels amazing after being starved of genuine affection, but it’s temporary and calculated. They’re not actually reconnecting with you emotionally, they’re just using the tools they know work to get you back under their influence.
3. They promise they’re getting help or therapy.
Suddenly, they’re booking therapy appointments, reading self-help books, or talking about their childhood trauma. They want you to see them as someone who’s working on themselves and deserves another chance.
Most of the time, going out of their way to ask for help is performative rather than genuine. They might attend a few sessions or buy some books, but real change requires sustained effort and accountability that narcissists typically aren’t willing to maintain.
4. They rewrite history to make you the problem.
Your memory of events gets twisted until you’re questioning what actually happened. They’ll claim you’re being too sensitive, overreacting, or remembering things wrong. Your legitimate complaints become character flaws on your part.
This gaslighting technique makes you doubt your own perceptions and experiences. When you start questioning your own memory and judgement, you become more dependent on their version of reality, which always paints them in a better light.
5. Future faking becomes their speciality.
They paint elaborate pictures of your amazing future together, complete with detailed plans they have no intention of following through on. Marriage, holidays, moving house, career changes—whatever they think will keep you invested.
These false promises tap into your hopes and dreams for the relationship. They’re counting on you being so invested in this imaginary future that you’ll overlook present problems and stick around waiting for promises that never materialise.
6. They use your own words against you.
Things you’ve told them in confidence during vulnerable moments suddenly become ammunition. Your insecurities, fears, and past mistakes get thrown back at you to make you feel small and grateful for their acceptance.
Their betrayal of trust is particularly cruel because it punishes you for being open and honest with them. It also reinforces the idea that you’re flawed and lucky to have someone who tolerates your shortcomings.
7. Triangulation with other people begins.
They start mentioning how other people think you’re wrong, crazy, or difficult. Ex-partners, family members, mutual friends—suddenly everyone agrees with their version of events and thinks you’re the problem.
This technique isolates you and makes you feel like you’re standing alone against everyone. Whether these other people actually said these things is irrelevant, the goal is to make you feel outnumbered and doubt your position.
8. They become experts at selective remorse.
Apologies flow freely, but only for minor things or issues you haven’t actually raised. They’ll tearfully admit to being messy or working too much, while completely ignoring the emotional abuse or major betrayals you’ve confronted them about.
These strategic apologies make them look self-aware and accountable while cleverly avoiding the real issues. You end up feeling like you should be grateful for their honesty about trivial matters, while your serious concerns remain unaddressed.
9. Silent treatment becomes a punishment tool.
When other tactics don’t work, they withdraw completely. No calls, texts, or acknowledgment of your existence until you come crawling back to make things right. This emotional withdrawal creates panic and desperation.
The silent treatment exploits your fear of abandonment and makes you responsible for fixing the relationship. You end up apologising for things you didn’t do just to restore communication and connection.
10. They play up their mental health struggles.
Depression, anxiety, childhood trauma, work stress—suddenly their poor behaviour is explained by circumstances beyond their control. You’re expected to be understanding and supportive while they work through their issues.
While mental health struggles are real and deserve compassion, using them as an excuse for treating people badly is manipulative. It positions you as cruel and unsupportive if you maintain boundaries around unacceptable behaviour.
11. They recruit flying monkeys to advocate for them.
Friends, family members, or mutual acquaintances start reaching out to tell you how much this person misses you, how they’re really trying to change, or how you should give them another chance.
These well-meaning intermediaries don’t have the full picture of what you’ve experienced. The narcissist presents themselves as heartbroken and reformed, while leaving out the context of their harmful behaviour that led to your distance.
12. Hot and cold behaviour keeps you off balance.
One day they’re apologetic and loving, the next they’re cold and distant. This unpredictable pattern creates an addictive cycle where you’re constantly trying to figure out which version of them you’ll get.
The inconsistency keeps you in a state of anxiety and hypervigilance. You start walking on eggshells and modifying your behaviour to try to keep them in their “good” mode, which gives them control over your emotional state.
13. They suddenly become everything you said you wanted.
Remember how you complained they never listened? Now they hang on your every word. Wished they’d be more romantic? Flowers appear. Said you felt unappreciated? Suddenly, you’re the most amazing person alive.
This overnight transformation feels incredible, but it’s unsustainable performance art. They’re showing you they can be what you want when it suits them, which actually proves they chose not to be those things before.
14. They make dramatic gestures and grand declarations.
Public apologies, expensive gifts, showing up at your workplace with flowers, or threatening self-harm if you don’t take them back. These theatrical displays are designed to overwhelm your logical thinking with emotion.
The bigger and more public the gesture, the harder it becomes to reject without feeling cruel. They’re counting on social pressure and your discomfort with drama to override your better judgement about their character.
15. They position themselves as the reformed character.
Suddenly, they’re a completely different person who’s learned from their mistakes and grown from the experience. They talk about how losing you was their wake-up call and how they’re grateful for the lesson you taught them.
This redemption narrative appeals to your desire to see the best in people and your hope that your suffering meant something. However, real change takes time and consistent effort, not sudden personality transplants when faced with consequences.
