Friendships after the age of 40 can feel surprisingly fragile.
They’re hard to maintain by default since by that point, most people have partners, kids, and other adult responsibility that take up the majority of their time. However, sometimes we don’t make things any easier by developing bad habits and behaviours that make those connections even more tenuous. These are the things we think bring us closer, but actually end up pushing people away without realising it.
1. You only talk about your problems.
Every conversation becomes a therapy session where you’re unloading about work stress, relationship drama, or family issues without ever asking how they’re doing. You’ve become so focused on getting support that you’ve forgotten friendship needs to be a two-way street, and your mates are starting to feel like unpaid counsellors.
Try opening conversations by asking about their life first, and really listen to their answers before sharing your own stuff. When you do need support, be direct about it rather than just dumping everything on them. Say something like “I’m having a rough time and could use some advice, is now a good time?”
2. You constantly cancel plans at the last minute.
Life gets complicated in your forties, but when you’re always bailing on dinner plans or rearranging meet-ups because something else came up, people stop bothering to include you. They interpret your constant cancellations as a sign that their time isn’t valuable to you or that you don’t actually want to spend time with them.
If you need to cancel, do it as early as possible and suggest an alternative date right away. Better yet, be more realistic about what you can commit to, rather than saying yes to everything and then backing out. Your friends would rather have fewer but more reliable plans with you.
3. You make everything about your kids.
Every story circles back to your children, every photo you share is of them, and you can’t have a conversation that doesn’t involve discussing their achievements or problems. While your kids are obviously important to you, friends can start feeling like they’re talking to a parenting blog rather than their mate.
Remember that your identity extends beyond being a parent, and your friends want to connect with all parts of you. Ask about their interests, share things you’re doing for yourself, and try to have some conversations that don’t mention your kids at all. They miss the other sides of your personality.
4. You expect them to always accommodate your schedule.
Because you’re juggling work, family, and other responsibilities, you assume everyone should work around your availability, without considering that they might have their own constraints. You suggest meeting times that work for you or expect them to be free whenever you finally have a spare moment.
Start suggesting multiple options when making plans and ask what works better for them. Sometimes offer to travel to their area or meet somewhere convenient for them. Show that you value their time as much as your own by being flexible about scheduling.
5. You’ve become judgemental about their life choices.
Whether it’s their career decisions, relationship status, or lifestyle choices, you’ve started offering unsolicited opinions about how they should be living their life. You might think you’re being helpful, but it comes across as condescending and makes them feel like they need to defend their choices constantly.
Focus on being supportive rather than advisory unless they specifically ask for your opinion. Remember that everyone’s path through life is different, and what works for you might not work for them. Practice saying “that sounds challenging” instead of jumping straight to suggestions about what they should do.
6. You treat friendship like networking.
You’ve started viewing friendships through the lens of what people can do for you professionally or socially, rather than genuine connection. You might reach out more when you need something or steer conversations toward business opportunities rather than just enjoying each other’s company.
Remember that real friendships are about mutual affection and shared experiences, not transactional benefits. Make an effort to spend time with friends without any agenda other than enjoying their company. When you do need professional help, be upfront about it rather than disguising it as casual friendship.
7. You’re always one-upping their stories.
When they share something that happened to them, you immediately respond with a similar but more dramatic story from your own life. If they mention being tired, you’re exhausted. Competitive storytelling makes conversations feel like contests rather than genuine sharing and connection.
Practice just listening and responding to what they’ve shared without immediately relating it back to yourself. Try responses like “that sounds really frustrating” or “how are you handling that?” before sharing your own experiences. When you do share similar stories, frame them as connection points rather than competitions.
8. You interrupt conversations to check your phone constantly.
Even though you’re physically present, you’re mentally elsewhere, scrolling through messages or responding to calls during your time together. This divided attention makes your friends feel like they’re competing with your phone for your interest, and they’re usually losing that competition.
Put your phone on silent and keep it out of sight during friend time, just like you would in a business meeting. If you’re expecting an urgent call, let them know in advance. Your full attention is one of the most valuable gifts you can give a friend.
9. You’ve become inflexible about trying new things.
You always want to go to the same restaurants, do the same activities, or stick to familiar routines because branching out feels like too much effort. While comfort zones feel safe, your reluctance to try new experiences can make you seem boring or closed-minded to friends who are still interested in exploring.
Challenge yourself to say yes to new suggestions occasionally, even if they’re not immediately appealing. Your friends want to share new experiences with you, and your willingness to step outside your comfort zone shows that you value their interests and want to grow together.
10. You complain about the same things repeatedly without taking action.
Whether it’s your job, your marriage, or your living situation, you keep rehashing the same complaints over and over without making any changes or even seeming interested in solutions. Your friends want to support you, but listening to the same problems on repeat becomes draining.
Before sharing ongoing problems with friends, ask yourself whether you’re looking for support to make changes or just want to vent. If it’s the latter, be honest about that. If you do want help, show that you’re taking their advice seriously by updating them on steps you’ve taken.
11. You expect immediate responses to messages and calls.
You get irritated when they don’t reply to texts straight away, take it personally when they miss calls, or make comments about how long it took them to respond. The expectation of constant availability puts pressure on the friendship and makes interactions feel more like obligations than genuine connection.
Remember that everyone has different communication styles and availability. Some people check messages once a day, others prefer phone calls to texts. Unless it’s an actual emergency, give your friends space to respond in their own time without making them feel guilty about it.
12. You’ve stopped celebrating their good news.
When friends share exciting news about promotions, relationships, or achievements, your response feels lukewarm, or you immediately flip the conversation to something else. Whether it’s jealousy, distraction, or being caught up in your own problems, your lack of enthusiasm makes them less likely to share good things with you.
Make a conscious effort to celebrate your friends’ wins, even when you’re going through your own difficulties. Ask follow-up questions about their good news, express genuine happiness for them, and remember to check in later about how things are going. Being a good friend means being genuinely pleased when good things happen.
13. You’ve become overly sensitive to perceived slights.
You read negative meanings into innocent comments, take casual remarks as personal attacks, or get upset about minor social oversights like not being invited to every gathering. Hypervigilance makes friends feel like they’re walking on eggshells around you and can’t relax in your company.
Before reacting to something that’s hurt your feelings, take time to consider whether there might be innocent explanations for what happened. Most social oversights aren’t intentional slights, and many comments that sting aren’t meant to be hurtful. If something genuinely bothers you, address it directly rather than letting resentment build up.
