It’s easy to call someone a friend after a few good chats and a couple of nights out, but real friendship takes more than getting along.
You don’t truly know someone until you’ve seen how they act when things aren’t easy. That means when they’re stressed, embarrassed, or not getting their way. That’s when people show you who they really are.
Before you let someone into your life fully, it’s worth paying attention to a few key things: how they handle honesty, loyalty, and respect. Friendship isn’t about perfection; it’s about trust and consistency. So before you hand someone that title, make sure you know these things about them first.
1. How they talk about people who aren’t there
You need to clock how they discuss other people when those people aren’t around. If they’re constantly slagging off mates or sharing private stuff about people, that’s a massive red flag. That’s because if they’re doing it about everyone else, they’re doing it about you too. Real friends don’t use people as gossip material or entertainment when they’re not in the room.
2. Whether they show up when it’s inconvenient
Anyone can be there for the good times or when it suits them. But you don’t really know someone until you see if they’ll turn up when it’s awkward or requires effort. Real friends don’t just appear when it’s easy or fun. They’re the ones who show up when you need help moving house or when you’re going through something difficult and can’t offer anything back.
3. How they react when you succeed at something
Pay attention to whether they’re genuinely pleased when good things happen to you. Some people can’t quite hide that flicker of jealousy or the way they diminish your achievements. True friends are properly happy for you without making it weird. They celebrate your wins without needing to compete or make it about themselves because your success doesn’t threaten them.
4. If they remember things you’ve told them
You mention something important to you, and weeks later they’ve completely forgotten. They don’t retain details about your life because they’re not really listening when you talk. Real friends remember the stuff that matters to you. They ask how that thing went or bring up something you mentioned ages ago, showing they were actually paying attention.
5. How they handle it when you set boundaries
You tell them you need space, or you’re not comfortable with something, and they either get defensive or completely ignore what you’ve said. They make you feel guilty for having needs. Actual friends respect your boundaries without drama. They might be disappointed, but they don’t punish you or make you feel bad for looking after yourself.
6. Whether they keep your secrets
You share something private, asking them not to tell anyone. Then you find out they’ve told other people, maybe framing it as concern or just casually mentioning it. Friends keep their mouths shut about the personal stuff you share. If someone can’t be trusted with the small things, they definitely can’t be trusted with the big ones.
7. How they act when you’re going through something hard
When life gets messy for you, they either disappear or make it about how your problems affect them. They can’t handle you not being your usual self. Real friends stick around during the rough patches. They don’t need you to be okay all the time, and they can sit with your difficult emotions without making you feel like a burden.
8. If they apologise when they’ve actually done something wrong
When they mess up, they either deny it, make excuses, or flip it so somehow you’re the problem. They can’t seem to just say sorry and own their mistakes. Proper friends can admit when they’ve messed up. They apologise without deflecting, and they actually try not to do the same thing again instead of just saying words.
9. Whether they’re consistent or only around when they need something
They go quiet for ages, then suddenly pop up when they want something from you. The contact is always on their terms, and you’re basically an option they remember when it’s useful. Real friends are present consistently, not just when they need something. The relationship flows both ways, instead of you always being the one reaching out or being there for them.
10. How they respond when you’re honest about how you feel
You tell them something they did upset you, and they get defensive or make you feel stupid for being hurt. They can’t handle any feedback without turning it into an argument. Actual friends can hear when you’re upset without immediately getting defensive. They might not love the conversation, but they care enough to listen and work through it with you.
11. If they compete with you or genuinely support you
Everything becomes a subtle competition. They can’t just let you have your moment without mentioning how they did something similar or better, constantly measuring themselves against you. Real friends aren’t trying to one-up you. They’re secure enough that your achievements or experiences don’t need to be compared to theirs, and they can just be happy for you.
12. Whether they respect your other relationships
They get weird about your other friendships or your partner. They make comments, act jealous, or try to monopolise your time, getting funny when you’re close to other people. Good friends understand you have other important relationships. They don’t make you choose or create drama about you having a life outside of them because they’re secure in the friendship.
13. How they handle disagreements with you
When you don’t see eye to eye, they either shut down completely or go nuclear. There’s no middle ground where you can disagree about something and still be okay. Real friends can have different opinions without the friendship falling apart. They know you can disagree about stuff and still care about each other, so they don’t treat every difference like a betrayal.
14. If they’re genuinely interested in your life or just waiting to talk
Conversations are always about them. When you talk about your stuff, they either look bored or find a way to redirect it back to themselves within seconds. Proper friends actually want to know what’s going on with you. They ask questions, remember details, and show genuine interest instead of just tolerating your bit before launching back into their own stories.
