Coming out should be a moment of honesty and relief, but for many LGBTQIA+ people, it’s filled with fear instead.
That fear doesn’t come out of nowhere; it’s shaped by how society, friends, and even family treat queer people long before they ever share who they are. The jokes, the casual comments, and the silence when someone’s identity comes up all send a message that being open might not be safe.
Most cruelty is in the eye-rolls, the gossip, or the way people suddenly act distant when queerness is mentioned. It’s in pretending not to notice a couple holding hands, or “teasing” someone for being different and calling it harmless fun. Every one of those moments adds up, teaching LGBTQIA+ people that honesty comes with risk. These are the kinds of behaviour that make that process harder than it should ever have to be.
1. Making homophobic jokes and expecting everyone to laugh
Casual jokes about gay people, trans people, or anyone LGBTQIA+ send a clear message about what you think of them. Even if you claim you’re just joking, the person hearing it knows what you really believe. When you make these jokes, anyone who’s not out yet learns they need to stay hidden around you. You’ve shown them that coming out means becoming the target of your humour. That’s creating an unsafe environment.
2. Saying you’re fine with it as long as they don’t “shove it in your face”
This sounds accepting, but it’s really telling LGBTQIA+ people they’re only tolerable if they stay invisible. Straight people show their relationships constantly, and nobody calls that shoving it in anyone’s face. When you say this, you’re demanding people stay closeted around you. You’re fine with them being gay as long as you never have to see it, which isn’t acceptance at all. It’s conditional tolerance.
3. Treating coming out like it’s seeking attention
Acting like someone’s making a big deal out of nothing when they come out dismisses the genuine courage it takes. You’re positioning their honesty as performance rather than vulnerability. Nobody comes out for attention. They come out because hiding is exhausting. When you treat it like attention seeking, you’re telling everyone that being honest will be met with eye rolls.
4. Using religion as an excuse to be cruel
Hiding bigotry behind faith doesn’t make it less harmful. Telling someone their identity is sinful because of your religious beliefs is just cruelty with a scripture reference attached. When you weaponise religion against LGBTQIA+ people, you’re telling them they have to choose between being themselves and being acceptable to you. That’s not love or faith, that’s rejection with extra steps.
5. Asking inappropriate personal questions
Demanding details about someone’s body, sex life, or medical history the moment they come out is invasive. You’re treating their coming out as an invitation to satisfy your curiosity about things that aren’t your business. These questions make people feel like objects to examine, rather than humans sharing something important. You’re showing that you see their identity as something weird rather than just normal.
6. Telling them it’s just a phase
Dismissing someone’s identity as temporary invalidates their self-knowledge. You’re telling them you know who they are better than they do, which is patronising and hurtful. When you say it’s a phase, you’re giving them a reason to stay closeted until they can prove it’s real. But they shouldn’t have to prove anything to you.
7. Making everything about their identity
Once someone comes out, treating that as their entire personality reduces them to a label. Suddenly, everything they do gets filtered through their sexuality or gender identity. This makes people wish they’d stayed closeted because at least then you saw them as a full person. When their identity becomes the only thing you notice, you’re making them regret being honest.
8. Complaining about how hard it is for you
Someone comes out, and you immediately talk about how difficult this is for you to process. You’ve made their vulnerable moment about your feelings instead. When you centre yourself in someone else’s coming out, you’re telling them their truth is a burden. That makes other people decide it’s not worth putting loved ones through the difficulty.
9. Outing people without their permission
Telling other people about someone’s identity before they’re ready is a massive betrayal. You’ve taken away their control over who knows and when, potentially putting them in danger. When you out someone, you’re showing everyone that coming out to you means losing control of their own information. Nobody will trust you with that vulnerability again.
10. Acting like they owe you an explanation
Demanding to know why they’re gay or when they knew treats their identity like a problem that needs explaining rather than just a fact about who they are. Nobody owes you their history. When you act entitled to explanations, you’re making coming out feel like a trial where they have to defend themselves.
11. Comparing them to stereotypes
Saying they don’t seem gay, or they’re not like other trans people makes them feel like they have to fit your narrow view of what LGBTQIA+ people are supposed to be. These comparisons tell people there’s a right and wrong way to be who they are. It creates pressure to either fit stereotypes or constantly distance themselves from their own community.
12. Refusing to use correct names or pronouns
Deliberately using the wrong name or pronouns, especially for trans people, is a form of violence. You’re telling them their identity doesn’t matter, and you won’t respect their basic request. When you refuse to use someone’s correct name or pronouns, you’re making it clear that being themselves around you means constant misgendering. That’s not an environment anyone would choose.
13. Bringing up children and family constantly
Immediately pivoting to concerns about whether they’ll have kids or what their parents think shows you see their identity as a problem for traditional life plans. These questions tell LGBTQIA+ people you’re already mourning the normal life you think they’ve lost. You’re making coming out feel like announcing bad news.
14. Treating their partner as less legitimate
Calling their partner their friend, not acknowledging their relationship like you would a straight one, or excluding their partner from family events shows you don’t see their love as real. When you diminish someone’s relationship, you’re telling them that being out means their most important connection gets treated as less than. That’s a huge reason people stay closeted.
15. Making them the spokesperson for all LGBTQIA+ people
Asking them to explain every LGBTQIA+ issue or treating them as representative of everyone who shares one aspect of their identity is exhausting and unfair. Nobody wants to become the designated teacher the moment they come out. When you do this, you’re making being out feel like taking on a job nobody applied for.
16. Acting like acceptance is a favour you’re doing them
Source: Unsplash Treating your basic respect as generosity positions their identity as something you’re graciously overlooking. You’re not doing them a favour by treating them like a human being. When you act like acceptance is a gift, you’re making it clear you see their identity as a flaw you’re choosing to ignore. Real acceptance doesn’t require gratitude because it’s the baseline.
