Most people don’t set out to offend anyone, but that doesn’t mean they don’t.
When it comes to the LGBTQIA+ community, there are certain phrases that still get tossed around far too often, sometimes out of ignorance, other times out of poor attempts at humour or curiosity. Either way, these comments usually go over badly. If you actually want to be respectful, it’s worth knowing what not to say, even if you didn’t mean it “like that.” Here are some things you should never say to a queer person if you don’t want to come across as dismissive, rude, or straight-up rude.
1. “But you don’t look gay.”
Sexuality doesn’t come with a dress code. Telling someone they don’t “look gay” might seem like a compliment, but it’s not. Instead, it reinforces narrow stereotypes about how queer people are “supposed” to look. Everyone expresses themselves differently. Queerness isn’t a costume, and trying to match someone’s identity to your expectations just shows how limited your understanding really is.
2. “Who’s the man and who’s the woman?”
This one needs to retire for good. Relationships don’t need to mirror heterosexual roles to be valid. Asking this assumes that queer couples need to copy traditional gender dynamics to make sense. It’s also invasive. People aren’t roles to be assigned—they’re individuals who relate in ways that work for them. If you’re confused, that’s on you to unlearn, not on them to explain.
3. “I don’t care what people do, as long as they don’t shove it in my face.”
This is often said to sound tolerant, but it’s anything but. It usually just means, “Act straight so I can stay comfortable.” Meanwhile, straight people display affection or talk about relationships constantly without being told to tone it down. LGBTQIA+ people exist. Their visibility isn’t an attack on you. If basic expression like holding hands or mentioning a partner feels like too much, the issue isn’t them being “loud,” it’s your discomfort showing.
4. “Are you sure it’s not just a phase?”
This question invalidates someone’s identity in one breath. Whether someone’s bi, trans, queer, or anything else, suggesting it’s temporary is insulting, especially when it’s taken them courage to be open about it. Even if someone’s still figuring things out, it doesn’t mean it’s not real. Questioning someone’s experience just makes you look dismissive, not insightful.
5. “So… how do you have sex?”
Unless you’re in a relationship with someone, or they’ve explicitly opened that door, this question is completely inappropriate. No one owes you intimate details about their body or intimate life. Curiosity isn’t a free pass to be invasive. If you wouldn’t ask a straight stranger the same thing, don’t ask it here. People are more than your need to satisfy a personal curiosity.
6. “You’re so brave.”
This might be well-meant, but it can feel condescending. Not everyone wants their identity framed as a heroic struggle. Sometimes they just want to exist without being turned into an inspirational story. There are definitely times when bravery is involved, especially in hostile environments. But when someone’s just casually being themselves, framing it as brave can make it sound like being queer is inherently a burden.
7. “I have a gay friend!”
Okay… and? Having a friend who’s queer doesn’t mean you get a free pass to say whatever you want. It also doesn’t make your words immune from critique. People aren’t props to prove your tolerance. If anything, using your friend as a shield when you’re called out makes you sound less aware, not more.
8. “Which bathroom do you use?”
This question is especially harmful when aimed at trans or non-binary people. It’s rooted in the idea that their presence in public spaces is something to be questioned or scrutinised. Everyone has the right to safety and dignity in something as basic as using the toilet. Asking about it isn’t just nosy. It also contributes to the very fear and discomfort many people face daily.
9. “That’s so gay.”
Even if you don’t mean it literally, using “gay” as a stand-in for “bad” or “weird” reinforces homophobia, plain and simple. It might be a habit from school days, but it needs to stop. Language shapes culture. If you wouldn’t say something is “so straight” as an insult, ask yourself why “gay” still gets used that way, and make the effort to change it.
10. “You’re too pretty to be a lesbian.”
This one is just bizarre. It’s based on outdated assumptions that lesbians must look a certain way, usually masculine or androgynous, to “count.” It’s not only wrong, it’s creepy. Attraction isn’t about aesthetics fitting into someone else’s mould. Telling someone they don’t look the part isn’t a compliment. It’s erasure in disguise.
11. “I don’t get why there’s a need for Pride anymore.”
Just because progress has been made doesn’t mean the fight’s over. LGBTQIA+ people still face violence, discrimination, and exclusion globally, including in supposedly “progressive” spaces. Pride isn’t just a party. It’s visibility, resistance, and a space to breathe freely. Dismissing it says more about your comfort than their reality.
12. “Can I call you something else? Your name’s hard to remember.”
This is especially common (and harmful) when someone has transitioned or chosen a name that reflects their identity. Refusing to use someone’s chosen name has nothing to do with having a bad memory. It’s about power and refusal to respect who they are. Everyone deserves to be addressed correctly. If you can remember celebrity names, fictional characters, or football stats, you can remember the name of a real person standing in front of you.
13. “What were you before?”
This is often asked of trans people, and it’s incredibly invasive. No one owes you a timeline of their identity, and asking about someone’s “before” invalidates who they are now. It also reduces them to their gender history, not their humanity. If they choose to share their journey with you, that’s one thing, but it’s not your business by default.
14. “So when did you ‘decide’ to be gay?”
This one still floats around, as if sexuality is something people pick like a new hobby. Asking this undermines the fact that for most people, being queer isn’t a decision; it’s just how they are. It also ignores how much pressure many people face just to be open about who they are. Framing it as a “choice” implies they could just stop being themselves, and that’s not how it works.
15. “I don’t see labels, I just see people.”
While it might sound inclusive, this often ends up erasing identity rather than respecting it. For many members of the LGBTQIA+ community, their label is a source of pride, clarity, and connection. It’s not something they’re trying to hide. Seeing “just people” sounds lovely in theory, but in practice, it can mean ignoring the real experiences, challenges, and culture that come with being queer. Respect means seeing the full person, including the parts that make them who they are.
