Public displays of affection (PDA) are one of those things people tend to have very different opinions on.
While some couples are perfectly at ease holding hands, sharing a kiss, or cuddling in public, others stiffen up the second physical affection leaves the privacy of home. That doesn’t automatically make them cold or distant; it often runs a little deeper. If you’ve ever felt unsure about how to handle a partner who isn’t into PDA (or if you’re that person), here are some things that might explain why it’s a struggle—and how to deal with it without turning it into a big deal.
1. They grew up in a household where affection wasn’t shown.
Some people just didn’t grow up seeing affection expressed openly. If hugs, kisses, or hand-holding weren’t the norm in their family, doing it in public as an adult can feel foreign or even uncomfortable. It’s not that they don’t feel love; it’s that showing it outside of private spaces feels unfamiliar.
This kind of upbringing can shape how someone sees physical affection. They might love deeply, but just express it differently. If this is the case, it’s often about gently widening their comfort zone, not forcing them into something that doesn’t feel natural right away.
2. They’re more private about emotions in general.
For some, emotions are just something to be handled behind closed doors. Showing affection publicly can feel like putting their personal life on display, which isn’t something they’re totally comfortable with. It’s less about the other person and more about keeping things intimate.
In these cases, a little understanding goes a long way. They’re not withholding affection; they’re just more comfortable with quiet, behind-the-scenes moments. With reassurance and time, some become more at ease showing small gestures in public without it feeling like a spotlight.
3. They’re afraid of being judged.
Depending on where someone lives or their past experiences, they might feel hyper-aware of how other people see PDA. Maybe they’ve experienced judgment, uncomfortable stares, or even criticism, and it’s made them cautious about being openly affectionate.
This is especially true for LGBTQ+ couples or people in non-traditional relationships. If someone flinches at PDA, it might be self-protection rather than rejection. Building a safe space where both people feel secure can ease this fear over time.
4. They associate PDA with immaturity.
Some people feel like public affection is something teenagers do, and they don’t want to look like they’re showing off. Holding hands or kissing in public might feel more performative than genuine to them, even if their partner sees it differently.
That mindset often softens once they understand PDA doesn’t have to mean full-on making out in the middle of the street. Little gestures like a hand on the back or a quick kiss on the cheek can be just as meaningful without feeling excessive or juvenile.
5. They’re just not big on physical touch.
Everyone has different love languages. If someone doesn’t naturally lean toward physical touch, PDA might just not cross their mind. It doesn’t mean they don’t care; they just express their feelings in other ways, like acts of service or quality time.
If this is the case, open communication can help find a middle ground. It might not become their go-to, but they may be happy to meet their partner halfway with smaller gestures that still feel genuine to them.
6. They’ve been shamed for affection in the past.
Sometimes a bad experience like an ex rolling their eyes every time they tried to hold hands can make someone avoid PDA altogether. They’ve internalised that their affectionate gestures weren’t wanted or were somehow embarrassing.
Undoing that takes time and a lot of reassurance. If you’re with someone who seems unsure about PDA, they might not even realise they’re carrying past baggage. Encouraging positive experiences now can help rewrite those old scripts.
7. They’re dealing with social anxiety.
For someone with social anxiety, being watched or noticed in public can be uncomfortable in general. Add physical affection to that, and it might feel like putting on a show, even if that’s not the intention at all.
They’re not intentionally being cold or distant. Their brain just goes into overdrive thinking about how other people might interpret their behaviour. Helping them feel safe and unjudged can slowly open the door to more relaxed, natural moments of affection.
8. They don’t realise it matters to you.
Sometimes people avoid PDA without knowing it’s a big deal to their partner. They’re just doing what feels natural to them, unaware that the other person feels a little brushed off or rejected as a result.
This is where a simple conversation helps. It doesn’t have to be a heavy talk—just something like, “I know PDA isn’t your thing, but I love holding your hand when we walk. Would you be okay with that sometimes?” You’d be surprised how often people are willing to make small changes when they know it matters.
9. They’re worried about crossing boundaries.
In the early stages of dating, some people hold back on PDA out of respect. They don’t want to make the other person uncomfortable or seem like they’re moving too fast physically in a public space. Their hesitation is usually a sign of thoughtfulness, not disinterest. As comfort grows in the relationship, so does confidence around what’s okay to share in public versus what’s better kept private.
10. They’re used to being independent.
For people who are fiercely independent, even something as small as holding hands can feel weird at first. It’s not that they don’t enjoy affection; it’s that they’re not used to “we” moments in public spaces. After a while, as the relationship deepens and trust builds, these habits can change. It often just takes a little practice to feel comfortable showing connection in front of other people without losing that sense of independence.
11. They express affection in different ways.
Just because someone isn’t big on PDA doesn’t mean they’re not loving. Maybe they bring you coffee every morning, check in when you’re stressed, or remember the little details that matter to you. Their love just comes out in quieter forms.
If physical affection in public is your thing and theirs is more practical or verbal, it’s about finding ways to blend those styles. You can both honour how you give and receive love without one person needing to completely change who they are.
12. They don’t want to draw attention.
Some people are naturally low-key. They’re not trying to hide the relationship; they just don’t like being the centre of attention. Holding hands or kissing in front of other people feels like putting a spotlight on something they’d rather keep just between the two of you.
This isn’t about shame—it’s about comfort. They might be completely affectionate in private, where the moment feels more genuine and less performative. Respecting that while asking for small public gestures can strike a good balance.
13. They’re still learning what makes them feel safe in love.
For people who haven’t had healthy relationships before, feeling safe enough to be affectionate, even in private, can take time. In public, that vulnerability doubles. It’s not that they don’t love you; they’re just trying to learn how to show it without feeling exposed.
When someone’s still building emotional trust, PDA can feel like a big leap. However, patience, gentle reassurance, and checking in often can slowly make those moments feel safer and more natural over time.
14. They’re doing their best, even if it doesn’t always show.
Just because someone struggles with PDA doesn’t mean they aren’t trying. They might squeeze your hand when no one’s looking, or sit a little closer on the train without making a big show of it. It might not look like much, but it’s their version of effort.
Instead of focusing on what’s missing, noticing those small gestures can go a long way. They may not be big on grand public displays, but the quiet consistency often says just as much, sometimes more.
