Experiencing abuse of any kind — physical, mental, emotional — and coming out the other side changes a person forever.
It’s not only incredibly confusing, humiliating, and painful, but it can also be embarrassing or even shameful. While we’re getting better at talking about these horrific experiences and providing support for victims, it’s still not easy to open up when you’ve been through it first-hand. Here’s why it’s still so hard for survivors to speak up about the abuse they suffered.
1. They’re afraid of not being believed.
One of the biggest barriers survivors face is the fear that people won’t believe their story. This fear is often reinforced by past experiences or witnessing how other survivors have been treated. If you’re supporting a survivor, start by simply saying, “I believe you.” Organisations like Refuge UK 4/7 support and can help survivors navigate sharing their story. The weight of potential disbelief can be particularly heavy when the abuser is someone respected in the community, making it even more crucial for supporters to listen without judgment.
2. They have complex emotional ties to the abuser.
Many survivors have complicated relationships with their abusers — they might be family members, partners, or trusted figures in their community. This emotional entanglement can make it harder to speak up. Local domestic violence organisations can provide counselling to help process these complex emotions and relationships. These bonds often develop over years of manipulation and gaslighting, creating a confusing mix of love, fear, and dependency that can take time and professional support to unravel.
3. They’re financially dependent on the abuser.
Economic ties often keep survivors silent, especially when they share housing, bank accounts, or children with their abuser. Many domestic violence organisations offer financial planning services and emergency assistance to help survivors establish independence. Refuge UK can connect survivors with local resources. Financial abuse is one of the most powerful tools used to maintain control, which is why many support organisations now offer specific programs focused on building economic independence and literacy.
4. They’re full of shame and self-blame.
Survivors often internalise feelings of shame and might blame themselves for the abuse. Remember: abuse is never the victim’s fault. Professional trauma counsellors can help work through these feelings — many offer sliding scale fees or free services through victim support programs. The process of unlearning these internalised beliefs takes time and compassion, but with proper support, survivors can begin to understand that the responsibility lies solely with their abuser.
5. They have a fear of retaliation.
Many survivors stay quiet because they fear their abuser will hurt them, their children, or their loved ones if they speak up. Creating a safety plan with a domestic violence advocate can help manage these risks. Local law enforcement can also help with protection orders and safety planning. It’s important to note that the most dangerous time for many survivors is when they’re planning to leave or have just left, which makes professional support during this period absolutely crucial.
6. They’re under cultural or religious pressure.
Some survivors face additional barriers due to cultural or religious beliefs that discourage speaking about abuse or leaving relationships. Culture-specific support organisations exist that understand these unique challenges and can provide appropriate guidance while respecting cultural values. These specialised services often employ advocates who understand the nuanced cultural dynamics at play and can help navigate both safety and cultural preservation.
7. They worry about the impact on family relationships.
Speaking up can sometimes mean dividing families or forcing everyone to “choose sides.” Family therapy services specialising in abuse situations can help navigate these difficult dynamics. Remember that protecting your well-being is not selfish. The ripple effects through family systems can be extensive, which is why many support services now include resources for extended family members who want to learn how to properly support their loved ones.
8. They have a fear of legal consequences.
The legal system can feel overwhelming and intimidating. Many areas have victim advocates who can explain legal options and provide support through the process. Legal aid organisations often offer free consultations for abuse survivors. Understanding that the legal journey can be lengthy and complex, many courthouse programs now provide dedicated victim advocates who can accompany survivors to hearings and help decipher legal documentation.
9. Trauma responses affect their memory.
Trauma can impact how memories are stored and recalled, making survivors worry their stories won’t be consistent or complete. Trauma-informed therapists understand these memory patterns and can help survivors process their experiences. Safeline can connect you with appropriate resources. Modern neuroscience has helped us understand that fragmented or incomplete memories are actually normal trauma responses, not signs of unreliability.
10. They’ve had bad experiences of speaking up in the past.
Many survivors have tried to tell someone before and weren’t helped or supported, making them hesitant to try again. Know that there are people who will believe you — crisis hotlines can help find supportive listeners and resources in your area. Each unsuccessful attempt at disclosure can deepen the trauma, which is why current support services are trained to ensure that every interaction with a survivor is validating and empowering.
11. They want to protect the other people involved.
Survivors often stay silent to protect other people, especially children or vulnerable family members. Child advocacy centres and family service organisations can help develop plans that keep everyone safe while addressing the abuse. The desire to shield loved ones from pain or disruption is natural, but professional support services can help create comprehensive safety plans that protect everyone involved.
12. They don’t want to lose their community.
Speaking up might mean losing friends, community connections, or support systems. Support groups for survivors can provide new connections who understand your experience. Online forums moderated by abuse prevention organisations can also offer safe community spaces. The internet has made it possible to maintain anonymity while still accessing vital community support, with many survivors finding strength in virtual support groups that understand their journey.
13. They’re worried about the professional consequences.
Concerns about job security or professional reputation keep many quiet. Employment lawyers specialising in abuse situations can advise on workplace rights and protections. Many states have laws protecting abuse survivors from workplace discrimination. Understanding your legal rights in the workplace can provide crucial peace of mind, as maintaining financial independence through employment is often key to long-term safety and stability.
14. In many ways, abuse feels like it’s become normalised.
Sometimes survivors don’t speak up because they’ve been conditioned to believe their treatment is normal. Educational resources through domestic violence organisations can help identify abuse patterns and understand healthy relationships. Remember: abuse is never acceptable or normal. Breaking free from normalised abuse patterns often requires exposure to healthy relationship models and supportive communities that can help recalibrate what acceptable treatment looks like.
15. They don’t want to confront life changes.
Speaking up often means significant life changes, which can feel overwhelming. Victim advocates can help break down these changes into manageable steps and connect survivors with resources for housing, financial assistance, and emotional support. Change is scary, but help is available. Many survivors find that while the initial changes are daunting, the freedom and safety on the other side make the journey worthwhile, especially with proper support and resources.
