If you’re someone to whom faith is important, you no doubt passed those beliefs down to your children.
However, just because you’ve raised your kids to follow a certain religion doesn’t mean they’ll grow up to believe in the same things as you. In fact, they could end up going in a completely different direction. When your adult child steps away from the faith they were raised in, it can feel confusing, painful, or even personal. However, it also opens space for reflection, new dynamics, and deeper understanding. Here’s how this situation often plays out for religious families in this situation, though of course, your personal experience may be different.
1. Initial emotions tend to run high.
The moment you find out can bring up a flood of emotions—shock, sadness, anger, fear. You might question what went wrong or wonder if you missed signs. These early reactions are entirely valid, but they can make it difficult to communicate clearly or compassionately in the moment. It’s easy to let emotion take the wheel before fully understanding where your child is coming from.
Giving yourself a little time to process before responding can be a game-changer. Emotional space helps you show up with curiosity instead of defensiveness. When you allow room to feel without reacting right away, you open the door to healthier, more grounded conversations later on, and that’s when real connection can begin to rebuild.
2. Silence might take over for a while.
When something feels big or sensitive, silence often fills the space. You might avoid the topic altogether, hoping it’ll pass or wanting to keep things peaceful. Your child might do the same, unsure how to explain their shift or worried they’ll hurt you. The result is a quiet tension that lingers in the background of your relationship.
Though the quiet might feel like safety, it can lead to distance if it goes on too long. Even gentle, non-pushy check-ins can help break the ice. When the time is right, saying something simple like, “I’m open to hearing more whenever you’re ready,” can let them know you’re still here, ready to listen, not lecture.
3. You may start to re-examine your own beliefs.
When a child leaves the faith, it can shake the spiritual foundations you’ve built over decades. You may find yourself questioning what you believe or why certain teachings feel more important now. It’s not about abandoning your faith—it’s about re-engaging with it in a deeper, more personal way.
This reflection can actually strengthen your own sense of belief. You might rediscover parts of your faith that had become routine or find new meaning in familiar values. In some cases, it also builds empathy, allowing you to see how complex and deeply personal every spiritual journey really is, including your own.
4. You might wrestle with guilt.
It’s incredibly common to question what you could have done differently. Maybe you wonder if you pushed too hard, didn’t model it enough, or gave them too much freedom. That guilt can settle in quietly or arrive in waves, whispering that their departure somehow reflects a failure on your part.
But faith journeys aren’t maths problems with one correct formula. They’re winding paths influenced by so many internal and external factors. Carrying guilt doesn’t help you move forward—it only keeps you stuck in what-ifs. Letting go of the blame allows you to focus on the connection that still exists, even if it looks different now.
5. They’re likely exploring deeply, even if it doesn’t look that way.
To you, their choice might feel impulsive or rebellious. But more often than not, there’s a quiet internal process going on—a re-evaluation of beliefs, experiences, and meaning that takes time. They might seem dismissive on the surface, but that doesn’t mean they’re not wrestling with big questions underneath.
Just because they’ve walked away from a structure doesn’t mean they’ve abandoned all thought about faith. Respecting that inner work, even if it looks unfamiliar or uncomfortable, helps keep the door open for future honesty. You don’t have to agree with their process to honour the fact that it’s theirs to navigate.
6. Extended family may not understand.
It can be tough when other people in your family react strongly to your child’s decision. Grandparents might express disappointment, or siblings may be confused or judgemental. You might feel caught in the middle, wanting to defend your child’s autonomy while also maintaining peace within the wider family circle.
These dynamics add pressure and often complicate things further. It’s okay to keep certain conversations private and let people know you’re handling it respectfully in your own time. Protecting your child from outside criticism isn’t about shielding them; it’s about honouring the relationship you’re still working to preserve.
7. You’ll probably mourn what you imagined.
When someone leaves their faith, it doesn’t just change their spiritual path. It can change family traditions, future plans, and even your sense of shared identity. You may find yourself grieving the loss of what you hoped for, like worshipping together, passing down spiritual values, or simply sharing a familiar worldview.
This grief is real, and it deserves space. Acknowledging the loss doesn’t mean giving up; it means recognising that things have changed. Over time, new forms of connection can emerge. The closeness might look different, but it can still hold meaning if you allow the relationship to evolve rather than retreat.
8. Their rejection of faith might feel like a rejection of you.
When your child steps away from something that shaped your life so deeply, it can feel personal, like they’re also turning away from your values, your influence, or your love. That sting is understandable. It touches something intimate and important.
But it’s important to remember: this decision isn’t usually about you. It’s about them trying to make sense of their beliefs independently. They’re not necessarily rejecting you; they’re trying to reclaim their own sense of identity. And you can still be part of their life, even if you no longer share that particular piece of it.
9. Questions will become more valuable than answers.
You might feel a strong urge to explain, correct, or defend your faith, but often, what they really need is to be asked, not told. Thoughtful, non-judgemental questions show you’re curious about their experience, not just trying to pull them back in.
Simple questions like “What made you start thinking differently?” or “How does this feel for you right now?” can do more to strengthen your bond than any argument ever could. Listening without needing to fix makes space for honesty, even in the messiness of it all.
10. You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
It’s normal to second-guess your words around them, especially when faith is such a charged topic. You might hold back from sharing parts of your life or avoid bringing up anything spiritual for fear of pushing them further away.
But staying silent forever won’t help either of you. Over time, you can find ways to speak from the heart without pressure or assumption. Respect doesn’t mean pretending; it means learning how to coexist with care, where both of your truths can be heard without fear or judgement.
11. Your relationship may change in unexpected ways.
This kind of change can feel like a wedge at first, but for some families, it creates surprising depth. Without shared belief as the centrepiece, you might start to explore different facets of each other—interests, values, vulnerabilities—that weren’t visible before.
If both sides stay open and willing to keep showing up, a new kind of relationship can form, one built not on tradition alone, but on mutual respect and authentic conversation. It may take time, but it’s a connection worth growing into.
12. Grace becomes more important than ever.
You won’t always say the right thing. They won’t always explain clearly, but grace keeps the relationship intact when everything else feels uncertain. It’s what lets you keep trying, even when things feel emotionally charged or awkward.
When you approach the situation with gentleness and humility, you model something powerful—faith not just in words, but in how you treat other people. Even if your beliefs no longer match, that kind of love often speaks louder than any sermon ever could.
13. You might be surprised by where the journey leads.
Leaving faith doesn’t always mean forever. Some people return to old beliefs; others find new meaning elsewhere; and some redefine their spirituality in ways that are unexpected but still deeply sincere.
The way you respond during this season will shape how included they feel in future ones. If they know they can come to you without fear or pressure, you stay part of their story, wherever it leads. Staying open today keeps possibility alive tomorrow.
14. Love is what they’ll remember most.
More than any conversation or theological debate, they’ll remember how you made them feel. If they felt loved, respected, and safe, even during disagreement, that will stay with them longer than any doctrine.
You don’t have to abandon your faith to hold on to your child. It’s possible to do both. In the end, it’s the consistency of your love, not the certainty of your beliefs, that will leave the biggest impact on their heart.
