While you should never expect your partner to meet all of your needs — that’s unrealistic and unfair — there are certain roles they should play in your life.
Maybe they fulfilled your needs for a while, but these days, they’ve started falling short. You hoped it was just temporary, but now you’re not so sure. If your needs aren’t being met, something’s gotta give, but how do you know the best way forward? Here are some things to try to sort things out in your head and in your relationship.
1. Take a step back and assess the situation objectively.
Before jumping to conclusions, take some time to evaluate what’s really going on. Are your needs actually not being met, or have your expectations changed? Sometimes we need to check if we’re being fair in our assessment. Write down specific instances where you feel let down to get a clearer picture.
2. Communicate your feelings without placing blame.
Once you’ve sorted out your thoughts, it’s time to talk. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without accusing your partner. For example, say “I feel neglected when we don’t spend quality time together” instead of “You never make time for me.” This approach is less likely to put your partner on the defensive.
3. Be specific about what you need.
Vague complaints won’t lead to solutions. Instead of saying “I need more attention,” try “I’d love it if we could have a date night once a week.” Being specific gives your partner a clear idea of how to meet your needs and shows you’ve thought about practical solutions.
4. Listen to your partner’s perspective.
After you’ve shared your feelings, give your partner a chance to respond. They might have reasons you haven’t considered for their behaviour. Maybe they’ve been stressed at work or dealing with personal issues. Understanding their point of view can help you work together on a solution.
5. Reflect on how your own behaviour might be contributing.
It’s easy to point fingers, but relationships are a two-way street. Consider if there’s anything you’re doing (or not doing) that might be affecting your partner’s ability or willingness to meet your needs. Self-reflection can lead to personal growth and a stronger relationship.
6. Set realistic expectations.
While it’s important to have your needs met, it’s equally crucial to ensure your expectations are reasonable. No one person can fulfil all our needs all the time. Think about which needs are absolute must-haves and which ones you might be able to meet through other relationships or personal pursuits.
7. Make time for regular check-ins.
Don’t wait for things to reach a boiling point before discussing relationship issues. Set aside time regularly to talk about how you’re both feeling. This habit can prevent small issues from becoming big problems and keeps the lines of communication open.
8. Show appreciation for the things your partner does right.
While focusing on unmet needs, don’t forget to acknowledge what your partner is doing well. Positive reinforcement can encourage more of the behaviour you want to see. It also creates a more balanced and positive atmosphere for addressing concerns.
9. Consider couples therapy.
If you’re struggling to communicate effectively or reach a resolution on your own, a professional might be able to help. A therapist can provide tools and strategies for better communication and understanding. It’s not a sign of failure, but a proactive step towards improving your relationship.
10. Work on meeting your own needs where possible.
While it’s great to have a supportive partner, it’s important to maintain some independence. Look for ways to fulfil some of your needs yourself. This could mean pursuing hobbies, spending time with friends, or focusing on personal growth. It takes some pressure off your partner and can make you feel more empowered.
11. Revisit your love languages.
Sometimes, partners show love in different ways. Revisit the concept of love languages with your partner. You might find that they’re trying to meet your needs, just not in the way you prefer. Understanding each other’s love languages can lead to more effective expressions of care and affection.
12. Create a plan together.
Once you’ve discussed your needs and listened to each other, work together to create a plan. This might involve setting specific goals or making changes to your routine. Having a concrete plan gives you both something to work towards and shows commitment to improving the relationship.
13. Be patient and give it time.
Change doesn’t happen overnight. If your partner is making an effort, give them time to adjust and form new habits. Recognise small improvements and be patient with the process. Consistent effort over time is more important than immediate perfection.
14. Reassess your compatibility.
If you’ve communicated clearly, given it time, and still feel your needs aren’t being met, it might be time to consider if you’re truly compatible. This doesn’t mean giving up at the first sign of trouble, but after sincere effort, it’s okay to acknowledge that sometimes people grow apart or want different things.
15. Don’t compromise your core values.
While relationships involve give and take, be careful not to compromise on your fundamental needs and values. If you find yourself constantly sacrificing things that are truly important to you, it might be a sign that this relationship isn’t the right fit.
16. Take care of your mental health.
Feeling consistently unfulfilled in a relationship can take a toll on your mental health. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself during this process. This might mean practising self-care, talking to friends, or seeing a therapist on your own to work through your feelings.
17. Be prepared to make tough decisions.
If you’ve tried everything and still feel your needs aren’t being met, be prepared to make difficult choices. This might mean taking a break, suggesting an open relationship, or even ending things. Remember, it’s okay to prioritise your own well-being and happiness.
