When someone shares their pronouns with you, they’re offering something personal, and often vulnerable.
It might seem like a small thing, but how you respond can say a lot about whether they feel safe, respected, or dismissed. Even if your intentions are good, certain replies can do more harm than you realise. Here are 16 things not to say when someone shares their pronouns with you, and why they’re worth avoiding.
1. “I just don’t get the whole pronoun thing.”
You don’t have to fully understand someone’s identity to respect it. Saying you “don’t get it” might seem like honesty, but it puts the focus back on your confusion rather than their experience. It can make the other person feel like they have to educate you or justify themselves. A better response is to just accept what they’ve shared and meet them where they are.
2. “That’s too hard to remember.”
Everyone forgets things now and then, but saying this upfront makes it sound like you’re not even going to try. It puts the effort of your learning above their dignity. If someone can remember nicknames, pet names, and Wi-Fi passwords, they can remember pronouns. It’s not about perfection; it’s about care and effort.
3. “You don’t look like a they/she/he.”
This one stings. Pronouns have nothing to do with how someone “looks” to you—they’re about how they identify. Making it about appearances reinforces stereotypes and pressures people to fit into narrow boxes. If someone trusts you enough to share their pronouns, trust them enough to believe them. Their identity isn’t up for visual assessment.
4. “I miss the old you.”
Even if you mean this from a place of nostalgia, it’s not helpful. It can feel like you’re mourning who they used to be instead of embracing who they are now. People grow. Identities evolve. Focusing on the past can make someone feel like your love for them is conditional, and that’s the opposite of support.
5. “Are you sure this isn’t just a phase?”
That question immediately undermines the person’s identity. Even if someone’s understanding of themselves changes over time, that doesn’t make their current truth less valid. Asking this puts you in the position of judge instead of friend or ally. Let people be who they are now—without requiring them to prove permanence.
6. “But you were born a…”
This is one of the fastest ways to shut down trust. Bringing up someone’s assigned sex or old identity is invasive, disrespectful, and irrelevant to who they are today. When someone shares their pronouns, they’re telling you how to see them now—not inviting you to correct them with biology or past labels.
7. “I’ll call you whatever I want.”
This isn’t just disrespectful, it’s a form of control. Language has power, and using someone’s correct pronouns is about acknowledging their right to exist as themselves. Refusing to do that is a choice to ignore their humanity. It’s not quirky, edgy, or old-fashioned—it’s harmful.
8. “You’re making everything political.”
There’s nothing political about asking to be referred to correctly. It’s basic respect. Dismissing someone’s identity as “political” turns a personal truth into a debate topic. This kind of response puts the burden back on the person simply trying to be seen for who they are, and it can make them feel unwelcome or unsafe.
9. “It’s just grammar—it’s not that deep.”
For someone who’s fought to express themselves honestly, it is that deep. It’s not just a word choice—it’s a reflection of their identity and self-worth. Reducing pronouns to a grammar gripe shows that you’re prioritising technicality over empathy. The good news? You don’t need to love the syntax to care about the person.
10. “I don’t have preferred pronouns, so why do you?”
Most people do have pronouns—they’ve just never had to think about them because theirs have always matched what others expect. That’s privilege, not neutrality. This kind of response pretends everyone is starting from the same place, but that’s not the reality for people who’ve had to fight to be correctly identified.
11. “You’re just doing this for attention.”
This one is particularly harmful. It assumes bad intent and dismisses someone’s identity as a performance. For most people, sharing pronouns is vulnerable, not attention-seeking. Making that accusation says more about your discomfort than their choices. It shuts the door on real conversation and reinforces stigma they’re already facing elsewhere.
12. “I’ll try, but don’t get mad if I mess up constantly.”
Source: Unsplash Mistakes happen. But setting the expectation that you’ll keep messing up, and that they shouldn’t have feelings about it—isn’t fair. It pushes the emotional labour onto them. It’s okay to get it wrong now and then. What matters is how you respond. Correct yourself, stay open, and care enough to keep learning.
13. “I didn’t think you were that type of person.”
Source: Unsplash This one comes with judgement baked in. It suggests that there’s a “type” of person who uses pronouns beyond what you expect, and that your friend doesn’t fit that stereotype. However, gender identity and expression aren’t limited to any one look, background, or personality. Everyone deserves the space to define themselves without being boxed in.
14. “Why does this even matter so much to you?”
Source: Unsplash It might not matter much to you, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t matter to someone else. Comments like this dismiss the importance of identity just because it’s unfamiliar. You don’t need to relate perfectly to respect it. If something matters to someone you care about, that should be enough to treat it with care.
15. “I miss the name you used to go by.”
Source: Unsplash Even if you say it fondly, this can be really painful. Names are deeply tied to identity, and when someone changes theirs, it usually marks a move toward being more themselves, not less. Holding onto the old name, even emotionally, can make them feel like you’re clinging to a version of them they’ve outgrown. Focus on who they are now, not who they were before.
16. “You know I love you, but I just don’t believe in all this.”
Source: Unsplash Love doesn’t count if it only shows up on your terms. Saying you “don’t believe” in pronouns or gender identity is like saying you love someone while refusing to see them clearly. Support isn’t passive. If you care about someone, that care has to include their identity, not just the parts that are easy for you to understand or accept.
