Even when your head knows better, something about the way a narcissist worms their way through your life keeps tugging at you.
It’s not always obvious manipulation, either. Often, it’s slow, familiar, and tangled in what feels like connection. However, the problem is that these tactics definitely aren’t rooted in love—they’re rooted in control, and they’re designed to make you doubt yourself just enough to stay, even when you know the best option for your mental, physical, and emotional health is to get as far away from them as possible.
1. They give you just enough to keep you from walking away.
Narcissists are rarely all bad all the time. They know how to sense when you’re pulling away and will suddenly switch gears. Maybe they show vulnerability, compliment you out of nowhere, or bring up something special you once shared. It’s rarely deep or lasting, but it’s just enough to spark hope that maybe, just maybe, things are changing.
That tiny flicker is what keeps you tangled. You start chasing the version of them they occasionally offer—the warm, attentive, emotionally open one. But that version doesn’t stick around. They give you a taste, then pull it back, leaving you stuck in a loop of waiting for the next glimpse of the person you want them to be.
2. They turn your empathy against you.
It starts when you bring up how something they said hurt you. Instead of engaging with your feelings, they flip it, talking about how hard their life has been, how much they’ve been through, or how no one ever gives them the benefit of the doubt. Before long, you’re comforting them when you were the one hurting.
This tactic works because it taps into your compassion. You don’t want to be unfair or cruel, so you pull back your original concern. But underneath, you’re still carrying that unresolved pain, and they’ve skilfully avoided accountability while making you feel guilty for even trying to express yourself.
3. They create chaos and then show up as the solution.
One day they’re distant, cold, maybe even picking a fight over nothing. The next, they’re soft-spoken and concerned, asking if you’re okay. What’s really happening is that they’re manufacturing instability, then positioning themselves as the one who can soothe it.
This cycle keeps you emotionally off balance. You’re constantly adjusting, trying to predict their moods or figure out what version of them will show up next. And every time they bring the calm after the storm, you feel a strange sense of safety, even though they were the one who stirred the storm in the first place.
4. They slowly chip away at your support system.
It starts subtly. They question a friend’s loyalty or suggest that your family never really understands you. They might act annoyed when you spend time with people outside the relationship, or insist that you tell them everything you discuss with other people. Eventually, it starts to feel easier just to keep your distance from the outside world.
This kind of isolation doesn’t happen overnight. It’s gradual, often disguised as concern or closeness. But before you realise it, your circle has shrunk, and the one person left standing is them. That’s the point. They want to be your only source of validation, comfort, and perspective because that gives them more control than anyone else ever could.
5. They make you feel like you’re the one who’s hard to love.
When you try to talk about something that hurts, they act like you’re being too sensitive, too dramatic, or too emotional. They might say things like, “You’re always starting something,” or “Why do you take everything so personally?” Suddenly, the issue shifts from their behaviour to your reaction.
This repeated undermining makes you question your own reality. You start thinking maybe you are overreacting. Maybe you are too much. And once that seed is planted, they’ve got what they want—someone who doubts themselves just enough to stick around and keep trying to be more “acceptable.”
6. They mirror your personality to build quick connection.
In the beginning, it feels like you’ve found someone who just gets you. They like the same music, share your values, and seem to light up at your thoughts and opinions. It’s intoxicating how fast things click. But over time, it becomes clear they were never actually that aligned with you. They were just reflecting you back at yourself.
This mirroring isn’t connection, it’s strategy. It’s a way to build trust fast, so you’ll let your guard down. Once you’re invested, the real personality starts to show, and it’s not the warm, open person you thought you knew. But by then, it’s harder to walk away because you’re attached to someone who never actually existed.
7. They apologise just enough to keep you hooked.
They’re not great at saying sorry, but they know when they have to throw one in. It might sound like, “I didn’t mean to upset you,” or “I’m sorry you felt that way.” On the surface, it passes as an apology, but it lacks real ownership or change.
What it does do is make you hesitate. You tell yourself they’re trying. You want to believe the apology is a step forward. But nothing actually shifts. It’s a reset button, not growth. And it buys them more time in your life while keeping the dynamic exactly where they want it.
8. They make things unpredictable on purpose.
Sometimes they’re incredibly warm—sending sweet texts, acting attentive, making you feel like everything is finally stabilising. Other times, they pull away, get cold, or lash out over minor things. There’s no clear pattern, and that’s intentional.
This unpredictability is addictive in the worst way. It keeps you chasing the next good moment, always working to avoid another crash. Your nervous system gets stuck in overdrive, trying to decode their behaviour—and while you’re focused on staying in their good graces, they stay in control.
9. They flip the script when you express your feelings.
When you bring something up, it somehow becomes about how you hurt them. You’ll start the conversation about their behaviour, and end up defending yourself for your tone, timing, or supposed lack of empathy.
Over time, this makes you hesitant to speak up. You begin to silence your own feelings to avoid confrontation. But inside, resentment builds. They win twice, first by dodging accountability, and second by training you to keep quiet about your needs.
10. They strategically bring up happy memories.
Just when you’re ready to walk away or emotionally detach, they mention something beautiful from the past. Maybe it’s a trip you took, a private joke, or a moment that meant a lot to you. They bring it up casually, but the impact lands hard.
These references are not always nostalgic—they’re deliberate. They’re meant to pull you back in by reminding you of the connection you once had, making you second-guess your decision to leave. They’re not saying, “Let’s fix this.” They’re saying, “Remember why you stayed?”
11. They guilt you for having boundaries.
If you ask for space, say no, or try to put distance between you, they act wounded. They might say you’re shutting them out, giving up too easily, or being unfair. Suddenly, the boundary feels like a betrayal, not a healthy choice. That’s emotional pressure masked as vulnerability. It works because it tugs on your desire to be kind. But it’s not fair. They’re not respecting your needs. They’re using guilt to regain access to your energy.
12. They use comparison to spark jealousy or insecurity.
They casually mention someone who appreciates them more, understands them better, or is easier to get along with. It’s often framed as innocent, but you’re left feeling like you’re somehow not measuring up. It’s manipulation through comparison. It shifts your energy into proving your worth and pulls your focus back onto them. Instead of seeing their behaviour clearly, you’re stuck wondering what you need to do to be enough again.
13. They fake vulnerability to regain your trust.
When things get tense, they suddenly open up. Maybe they share a story about their past, confess that they’re afraid of being abandoned, or admit to being “damaged.” It feels like a breakthrough, so you soften again.
But this kind of vulnerability doesn’t come with any real change. It’s a performance—just enough emotional depth to disarm you, rebuild trust, and keep you in the loop. Real vulnerability leads to action. This just leads to another round of the same cycle.
14. They quietly isolate you by making you doubt your people.
They don’t forbid your friendships, they undermine them. They might say your best friend is a bad influence, or that your family doesn’t really support you. It starts to feel like they’re the only one who’s truly in your corner. After a while, you stop opening up to other people. You feel more alone, more misunderstood, and more dependent on them. That’s exactly what they want because when you lose perspective, they become the voice in your head.
15. They reappear just when you’re finally moving on.
It’s like clockwork. Just as you start sleeping better, focusing on yourself, or feeling some peace, they show up again. Maybe it’s a text, a song they send, or a casual “hope you’re doing okay.” It feels unplanned, but it never is.
They can feel when their grip is slipping. And instead of accepting the distance, they reinsert themselves to see if you’ll bite. Not because they’ve changed, but because they hate losing control. Don’t mistake the timing for sincerity. It’s just another trap disguised as connection.
