Some people are hard nuts to crack, making it feel nearly impossible to get close to or even get to know them in a meaningful way.
Chances are, they’ve built some pretty high walls due to past experiences and a desire to protect themselves moving forward — that, or they simply take longer to warm up to people. Either way, if you want them to feel safe enough to let their guard down around you and let you see their softer side, you’ll need to tread carefully. Here’s how to peel back the layers and see the caring, compassionate person you know lies underneath that tough exterior.
1. Start with small talk that feels safe.
People with a tough exterior often keep their guard up, especially in conversations that feel too deep too quickly. Getting them engaged with casual, light topics can help them relax and feel less defensive. Over time, these small, safe convos create trust. As they grow comfortable talking about the little things, they might start opening up about bigger thoughts and feelings without even realising it. Don’t underestimate the power of asking about their day or sharing a bit of banter — it’s these seemingly minor exchanges that can lead to bigger breakthroughs.
2. Be consistent with your kindness.
Consistency is key when dealing with someone who keeps their emotions on lockdown. A simple act of kindness, done regularly, can go a long way in proving you’re trustworthy and genuinely care. They might not immediately acknowledge your efforts, but with time, they’ll notice your steady support. It’s not about grand gestures; even small things like remembering their favourite snack or offering to help with a task can make a difference in showing you’re there for them.
3. Respect their boundaries.
Pushing too hard to get someone to open up can make them retreat even further. Recognising and respecting their boundaries shows that you value their comfort and won’t force them into uncomfortable situations. Giving them space doesn’t mean stepping away entirely — it’s about finding the balance between being present and giving them room to breathe. Respect creates trust, and trust is the foundation for someone to feel safe enough to share their softer side.
4. Use banter to break the ice.
Laughter is a great way to chip away at a tough exterior. Sharing a funny story or joking around can lighten the mood and help them relax, even if they initially try to resist. Humour builds a bridge of connection without requiring vulnerability right away. Once they associate you with positive, light-hearted moments, they may feel more inclined to let their guard down. Just be sure to keep the jokes light and non-targeted — teasing them might make them become even more closed-off.
5. Share a little about yourself first.
Opening up can feel risky, especially for someone who’s used to keeping their emotions tucked away. By sharing something personal about yourself, you set the tone and show that vulnerability isn’t a weakness. Your openness encourages them to reciprocate in small ways. They may not spill everything immediately, but even a small response is a step toward breaking down their walls. When they see you being genuine, it becomes easier for them to trust you with their own feelings.
6. Be patient with their pace.
Not everyone feels comfortable opening up quickly, especially if they’ve been hurt or disappointed before. Pushing them to hurry can backfire, making them more reluctant to trust you. Give them the space to share at their own speed. Patience shows you’re invested for the long haul, which can be comforting and help them feel more secure around you. Remember, they might need time to test the waters before letting you fully in.
7. Compliment their strengths.
People with tough exteriors often take pride in their resilience or independence. Recognising and complimenting these qualities shows you see and appreciate who they are without trying to change them. Once they feel valued for their strengths, they may become more willing to show their softer side. Feeling understood and respected builds the trust needed for them to let down their guard. Even a simple acknowledgment like, “You handle challenges so well,” can pave the way for deeper connections.
8. Ask thoughtful questions.
Surface-level conversations don’t always crack through a tough shell. Asking thoughtful, non-intrusive questions about their passions, interests, or opinions can make them feel seen and heard. When they sense genuine curiosity, they may start sharing more freely. The key is to show interest without prying, letting them decide how much to reveal. Questions like “What’s something you’ve really enjoyed lately?” can open the door without feeling intrusive.
9. Pay attention to small cues.
Even the toughest people reveal hints of their softer side in subtle ways. A quick smile, a moment of hesitation, or a softer tone can all signal that they’re letting their guard down, even just a little. Noticing these small cues and responding warmly can encourage them to open up more. Sometimes, it’s the quiet moments that hold the most meaning. Show them you’re paying attention—it’s often in the details that trust is built.
10. Be grateful for the nice things they do.
Tough people often have a hard time expressing care outright, but they might show it through actions rather than words. Acknowledging and thanking them for what they do can help bridge the gap. Gratitude reassures them that their efforts are noticed and appreciated. It can make them feel more comfortable expressing themselves in other ways, including emotionally. A heartfelt “thank you” can sometimes mean more than you realise.
11. Don’t judge them for their flaws.
A tough exterior often hides insecurities or fears of being judged. If they feel safe showing their imperfections without criticism, they’re more likely to reveal their softer side. By embracing their humanity and showing understanding, you create a space where vulnerability isn’t met with ridicule but with compassion. Over time, this can become the foundation of a deeper, more genuine connection.
12. Be there during quiet moments.
Not every connection needs constant talking or activity. Sometimes, simply sitting with someone during a quiet moment can say more than words ever could. These peaceful interactions build comfort and familiarity. Over time, they might begin to associate your presence with calmness, making it easier for them to let their guard down. A companionable silence can often speak volumes.
13. Celebrate their softer moments.
When they do show a glimpse of vulnerability, acknowledge it positively. Making them feel comfortable about these moments reinforces the idea that it’s safe to share more. Be subtle about it, though — overdoing it might make them retreat again. Letting them know you appreciate their openness can help deepen your connection. Little reassurances can go a long way in building trust.
14. Let them know they’re not alone.
Tough people often feel like they have to shoulder everything by themselves. Reassuring them that they have someone to lean on can help ease the burden they carry. Building trust takes time, but consistently showing that you’re there for them can create a bond that encourages them to open up. Sometimes, just knowing someone genuinely cares is enough to bring out their softer side.
