Growing up queer often means carrying questions, fears, and silences that no one around you knew how to answer.
You don’t always get the words you need when you need them. But looking back, many queer people would tell their younger selves things they wish they’d heard earlier—words that would’ve made the road feel less lonely and the confusion less heavy. Here are 13 things that come up time and time again in hindsight—things queer people often wish they’d known back when they were still figuring everything out.
1. “You’re not broken—there’s nothing wrong with you.”
When you grow up without seeing yourself reflected in the world around you, it’s easy to think you’re the problem. However, your queerness isn’t a flaw. It’s not something to fix, hide, or apologise for. You’re not late to anything, and you’re not behind. You were just born into a world that didn’t give you the words. That doesn’t make you defective—it makes you strong for still being here.
2. “You don’t have to explain yourself to everyone.”
It’s easy to feel like you owe the world a perfect, polished explanation of who you are and why. But not everyone is entitled to your full story. Your identity isn’t a debate, and your life isn’t a TED Talk. Learning to set boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s survival. You can be proud and private at the same time. You get to choose who gets access to your truth.
3. “You’re allowed to outgrow the version of yourself that played it safe.”
Sometimes survival means staying small. You might’ve toned things down, laughed off things that hurt, or acted straight to stay safe. That doesn’t make you fake—it means you were protecting yourself. Of course, it’s okay to let that version go. You don’t owe anyone the performance you once gave. You’re allowed to evolve into someone louder, softer, freer, weirder—whoever feels like home now.
4. “You don’t have to rush to label everything.”
Labels can be empowering, but they’re not deadlines. You don’t need to have it all figured out by a certain age or explain every part of yourself the moment you discover it. Identity is allowed to unfold. It’s not about choosing the ‘right’ label—it’s about choosing what feels real in the moment, and letting that change if it needs to. That’s not confusion—it’s growth.
5. “The right people will love you more because you’re you—not in spite of it.”
It might not feel that way when you’re surrounded by rejection or silence, but the right people—the real ones—won’t just tolerate your identity. They’ll love it. They’ll love you more because of it. You won’t have to shrink or explain. You’ll be able to breathe around them. And when that happens, you’ll wonder how you ever settled for anything less.
6. “It’s okay to feel angry about what you missed.”
Maybe you didn’t get a carefree first crush. Maybe your teenage years were spent hiding instead of exploring. Maybe you had to grow up too fast. That grief is real—and so is the anger underneath it. You’re allowed to feel it. You’re allowed to mourn what you didn’t get and still move forward. Queer joy isn’t about pretending the hurt didn’t happen. It’s about making space for both.
7. “You’re not too much—you were just around people who couldn’t hold you.”
If people said you were dramatic, loud, sensitive, or confusing, it’s likely they just didn’t understand you. That doesn’t make you ‘too much.’ That makes them ill-equipped, not you. Being fully yourself isn’t excessive—it’s honest. And the day you stop editing yourself to fit inside someone else’s comfort zone is the day everything starts to open up.
8. “You can take your time with coming out, or not come out at all.”
There’s no right way to come out. Some people shout it from the rooftops. Others whisper it. And some never say it out loud at all. All of it is valid. Your safety comes first. Your timing is yours. And anyone who pressures you to disclose more than you’re ready to is showing you they’re not safe with your truth yet.
9. “One day, queerness will feel like something to celebrate.”
When you’re young and closeted, queerness can feel like a shadow you’re always trying to hide. But with time, that shadow can become something radiant—something you choose to carry with pride. It won’t always feel like a secret or a burden. One day, it might be the thing that brings you your people, your confidence, and your deepest joy. That day is coming, even if it feels far off now.
10. “It’s okay if you don’t fit into queer stereotypes, either.”
You don’t have to dress a certain way, act a certain way, or align with what’s ‘expected’ to be valid. Queerness doesn’t look one way. It never has. You’re still queer if you’re quiet. You’re still queer if you don’t like clubbing or can’t talk theory. You’re still queer if you’re figuring it out. Your queerness belongs to you, not a checklist.
11. “You’ll get to define family for yourself.”
If your biological family didn’t support you—or made you feel small—you’ll find people who feel more like family than blood ever did. Chosen family is real, and it often runs deeper than the one you were born into. You won’t always feel that ache of not belonging. You’ll find people who celebrate your wins, sit with your grief, and show up when it matters. And they’ll make you feel like home.
12. “Your queerness is not a phase, even if it changes shape.”
Some parts of your identity might shift. Labels might evolve. Attraction might stretch. That doesn’t mean you were ever lying. It means you’re human, and queer identity is wide and wild enough to hold that. Even if people doubt you, dismiss you, or try to pin you down—you get to trust yourself. Change doesn’t erase what was true. It just adds to the story.
13. “You’re going to be okay—better than okay.”
There will be hard parts. There might be rejection, confusion, or moments that feel like too much. But there will also be beauty—so much of it. Connection, relief, laughter, freedom, love. All of it is possible. One day, you’ll look back and realise you weren’t broken. You were just becoming. And everything you felt along the way was part of finding your way back to yourself.
