Parenting isn’t always sunshine and rainbows; sometimes, words can sting more than any scraped knee.
While most parents have their children’s best interests at heart, even the most well-intentioned phrases can leave lasting scars. These hurtful remarks might seem harmless in the moment, but they can chip away at a child’s self-esteem, create feelings of inadequacy, and even damage their relationship with their parents. Here are some of the most damaging things parents say to their children.
1. “I wish you were more like your sibling/friend.”
Comparison is the thief of joy, especially for a child. When parents compare their child to other people, it sends the message that they’re not good enough as they are. It can foster feelings of jealousy, resentment, and inadequacy. Instead, celebrate your child’s unique strengths and talents, and encourage them to be the best version of themselves, not someone else.
2. “You’re so (insert negative adjective).”
Labelling a child with negative adjectives like “lazy,” “stupid,” or “selfish” can be incredibly damaging. These labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies, as children start to internalise them and believe them to be true. Instead, focus on specific behaviours and offer constructive feedback. For example, instead of saying “You’re so lazy,” you could say, “I noticed you haven’t finished your chores yet. Can I help you get started?”
3. “You’ll never amount to anything.”
This phrase is like a verbal poison dart, aimed straight at a child’s self-esteem. It plants seeds of doubt and discouragement, making them believe that they’re incapable of success or happiness. Even if said in jest or frustration, this kind of negativity can have long-lasting consequences. Instead, offer encouragement, support, and believe in your child’s potential, even when they stumble or make mistakes.
4. “I’m disappointed in you.”
While it’s natural to feel disappointed when your child doesn’t meet your expectations, expressing it in this way can be hurtful. It focuses on the negative outcome rather than the effort or intention behind it. Instead, try to understand your child’s perspective, offer guidance and support, and help them learn from their mistakes without making them feel like they’ve let you down.
5. “I wish I never had you.”
This phrase is one of the most damaging things a parent can say to their child. It implies that their existence is a burden or a regret, and it can leave deep emotional scars. Even if said in the heat of the moment, these words can haunt a child for years to come. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, it’s important to find healthy ways to cope with your emotions without taking them out on your child.
6. “You’re too sensitive.”
Invalidating a child’s feelings by telling them they’re “too sensitive” can be incredibly hurtful. It teaches them to suppress their emotions, which can lead to problems with self-regulation, communication, and relationships later in life. Instead, validate their feelings, acknowledge their pain, and help them find healthy ways to express their emotions.
7. “Why can’t you be more like (insert name)?”
Comparing your child to other people, whether it’s a sibling, friend, or classmate, can be a major blow to their self-esteem. It makes them feel like they’re not good enough and that they have to be someone they’re not in order to be loved and accepted. Instead, focus on your child’s individual strengths and weaknesses, and help them develop their own unique identity.
8. “You’re a mistake/accident.”
Telling a child that they were an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy can be incredibly damaging. It can make them feel like they’re not loved or valued, and it can create a sense of shame and guilt. It’s important to remember that every child is a gift, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their conception. If you’re struggling with feelings of regret or resentment, ask for support from a therapist or counsellor.
9. “You’re not trying hard enough.”
This phrase can be demotivating and discouraging for a child. It implies that their efforts are insufficient and that they’re not good enough unless they achieve perfection. Instead, focus on praising their effort, progress, and perseverance, even if they don’t always succeed. Encourage them to learn from their mistakes and keep trying, emphasising the importance of the journey, not just the destination.
10. “I don’t have time for you right now.”
While parents are busy people with many responsibilities, it’s important to make time for your children. Telling them that you don’t have time for them can make them feel unimportant, unloved, and unworthy of your attention. Even a few minutes of undivided attention can go a long way in building a strong and loving relationship with your child.
11. “I’m ashamed of you.”
Shame is a powerful and destructive emotion, especially when it comes from a parent. Telling a child that you’re ashamed of them can make them feel worthless, unlovable, and like they’ve irreparably damaged your relationship. It’s important to address specific behaviours that need to change, but avoid shaming your child or making them feel like they’re inherently bad or flawed.
12. “You’re just like your (insert family member).”
Comparing a child to a family member, especially in a negative light, can be hurtful and damaging. It implies that they’re destined to repeat the same mistakes or inherit the same negative traits. Instead, focus on your child’s individual qualities and potential, and help them forge their own path, free from expectations and comparisons.
13. “You’re being dramatic.”
When a child is upset or emotional, telling them they’re “being dramatic” dismisses their feelings and invalidates their experience. It teaches them to suppress their emotions and not trust their own intuition. Instead, acknowledge their feelings, validate their concerns, and help them find healthy ways to cope with their emotions.
14. “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
This threatening and manipulative phrase can be incredibly damaging to a child’s emotional well-being. It teaches them that their feelings are not valid and that they should be afraid to express their emotions. It can also create a sense of fear and distrust in the parent-child relationship.
15. “I don’t love you anymore.”
Conditional love is not love at all. Telling a child that you don’t love them, even in a moment of anger or frustration, can be devastating. It creates a sense of insecurity and abandonment, and it can damage their ability to form healthy relationships later in life. It’s important to reassure your child that your love is unconditional, even when you’re upset with their behaviour.
16. “You’re worthless.”
This phrase is a direct attack on a child’s self-worth and dignity. It can make them feel like they have no value as a human being and that they’re undeserving of love and respect. This kind of emotional abuse can have long-lasting consequences, leading to depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts.
17. “It’s your fault.”
Blaming a child for things that are beyond their control can be incredibly harmful. It can make them feel responsible for events that they had no power over, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame. It’s important to help children understand the difference between things they can control and things they can’t, and to offer them support and reassurance when they’re struggling.
18. “You’re a disappointment.”
Telling a child that they’re a disappointment is a harsh and hurtful judgment. It can make them feel like they’ve failed you and that they’ll never be good enough. It’s important to focus on your child’s strengths and potential, and to help them learn from their mistakes without making them feel like they’re inherently flawed or unworthy of love.
19. “You’re not good enough.”
Source: Unsplash This phrase can erode a child’s self-esteem and confidence. It makes them feel like they’re constantly falling short of your expectations and that they’ll never measure up. Instead of focusing on their shortcomings, highlight their strengths and encourage them to develop their talents and skills. Help them believe in themselves and their abilities.
20. “I regret having you.”
These words are incredibly hurtful and can leave lasting emotional scars. They make a child feel unwanted, unloved, and like a burden to their parents. It’s important to remember that children are not responsible for the choices their parents make. If you’re struggling with feelings of regret, get support from a therapist or counsellor to help you work through these emotions in a healthy way.
