Words have power, especially in a marriage.
We all say things we probably don’t mean when emotions are running high, but some words aren’t just slip-ups, they’re minefields that can blow up an entire relationship. As a husband, these are things you should never say to your wife if you want to keep the trust and respect alive and well in your marriage.
1. “You’re overreacting, just calm down.”
First of all, when in the history of relationships has this ever had the desired effect? Pretty much never. Not only will this just make her more upset, your wife will also feel like you’re invalidating her feelings and trying to brush issues under the carpet rather than dealing with them.
2. “My ex used to do that better.”
Comparing your wife to someone you were in a relationship with or even married to before will just make her insecure and resentful. If your ex was so great, why aren’t you still with her? This just makes her feel like she’s not good enough and that you’re still hung up on the past, which is likely to cause serious trust issues moving forward.
3. “You’ve let yourself go.”
Commenting on anyone’s body, particularly your wife’s, is never okay. Maybe she has gained weight or stopped wearing make-up as often for whatever reason, but if that has a major impact on your feelings for or about her, then you’re not married for the right reason. Don’t make her feel insecure or bad about herself because you want a piece of arm candy, and she’s no longer obliging.
4. “I don’t care what you think.”
Well, this one is pretty clear: You don’t care about your wife’s opinions and don’t even want to hear them, let alone take them into an account. Relationships are meant to be a partnership, but if you think you’re in this solo, you should probably just get a divorce and let her find someone who actually values her presence and input.
5. “You’re just like your mother.”
This is a problematic one, and it’s always used as an insult. It’s disrespectful not only to your wife, but also to her family. Even if she has a good relationship with her mother, this comparison can feel belittling and suggest that you see her as a stereotype rather than her own unique person. It’s also yet another way to write off her (likely) very valid emotions and behaviours.
6. “I wish I never married you.”
You can’t really take this one back once you’ve blurted it out. It’s normal to get frustrated at times and even not to feel 100% in love at every turn, but if you tell her that you regret the marriage as a whole, that sends the message that you’re no longer invested in the relationship whatsoever and wish you never got into it. What’s she meant to do with that information?
7. “You’re useless.”
This is not only untrue, it’s cruel. Your wife is intelligent, caring, and capable, but her not being able to fulfil your wishes or do things you can/other people can is completely normal, and it’s not a flaw. By trying to belittle her and tear her down, you’re telling her that you don’t care about or respect her at all.
8. “You’re crazy.”
Ah yes, this old gaslighting chestnut. Men have been using this against women for literal centuries, if not longer, and it’s just as ridiculous today as it was back then. Your wife isn’t “crazy” for having feelings, for calling you out on bad behaviour, or for not wanting to live life on your terms. You’re immature and insensitive is more like it.
9. “You’re lucky to have me.”
Both partners should feel lucky to have one another in their lives, but your wife doesn’t owe you anything for being married to her, and you’re not doing some charitable act by being with her. If you truly think you can do better, go find it — I think you’ll realise in the end that you had it pretty good (and she’ll realise how much better off she is without you).
10. “I don’t need to tell you everything.”
Everyone is entitled to privacy, for sure, but throwing this out there is automatically going to make your wife think that you’ve got something to hide — and hey, maybe she’s right. There are ways to set boundaries and protect things that are just for you (that don’t affect your relationship, that is) without being accusatory or looking like you’re up to something shady behind her back.
11. “You always do this.”
Generalisations like “always” or “never” aren’t helpful, and they make issues worse rather than better. If there’s a specific behaviour you have a problem with, talk to your wife about it. Don’t just write her off as “always” doing something to invalidate her.
12. “I’m not listening to this anymore.”
Shutting down communication like this is deeply frustrating and disrespectful, and it makes it clear that you’re unwilling to engage with your wife about her feelings or your relationship issues. If you’re not interested in hashing things out, there’s really nowhere to go from there.
13. “You’re being too sensitive.”
This is another bit of gaslighting a la “you’re crazy” that’s equally as infuriating and invalidating. Maybe your wife is sensitive, but that doesn’t make her wrong, it makes her human. Maybe try listening to where she’s coming from and extending a bit of empathy rather than using this knee-jerk defence mechanism that makes you look heartless and like a bad husband.
14. “I don’t find you attractive anymore.”
This is a terrible thing to say to someone, especially the woman you claim to love. Attraction waxes and wanes over the years — that’s normal. However, it’s not okay to destroy her self-esteem and make her feel terribly about herself because you don’t fancy her the way you did when you were 25. Sort yourself out and figure out what’s really behind your feelings. You might find it has nothing to do with your wife and everything to do with you.
15. “You’re not the person I married.”
One would hope not! People are supposed to grow and change over time, so if you’ve been married for 25 years and expect your wife to be the same person she was in uni, you’ve got another thing coming. Growth should be continual throughout life — for you too, mate! — and you should respect the person she is now.
16. “My mates’ wives don’t act like this.”
Well, good for them? First, you don’t actually know how your friend’s wives behave — you know what your mates have told you, and I guarantee you they’re not giving you the real/full story. Instead of comparing your wife to everyone else’s, I suggest focusing on your relationship before it no longer exists.
17. “I don’t need you.”
Saying this undermines the entire concept of partnership in marriage. It suggests that your wife is disposable and that you don’t value her presence in your life. You likely say this to assert your independence, but it just makes you look disloyal and uncaring, and that’s not what any woman wants in a husband.
