People-pleasers are often seen as the “nice” ones, always ready to lend a helping hand and eager to make other people happy.
However, this desire to please can come at a cost, leaving them vulnerable to emotional hurt and feeling unappreciated. If you’re talking to someone like this, it’s important to be mindful of their sensitivities and avoid saying things that could trigger their insecurities or make them feel undervalued. Here are some phrases that might seem harmless but can actually be quite hurtful. In other words, avoid them at all costs!
1. “You’re too nice.”
While intended as a compliment, this statement can feel like a criticism to a people-pleaser. It can make them question their self-worth and wonder if their kindness is a weakness or a burden. Instead, acknowledge their specific actions and express your appreciation for their thoughtfulness or generosity. Let them know that you value their kindness, without implying that it’s excessive or unnecessary.
2. “You need to learn to say no.”
People-pleasers often struggle with setting boundaries and saying no because they’re afraid of conflict or disappointing people. Telling them to “just say no” can be dismissive of their underlying anxieties and the emotional toll that comes with constantly putting other people’s needs before their own. Instead, offer support and encouragement as they learn to assert and look after themselves. Recognise that saying no is a skill that takes time and practice to develop.
3. “Stop trying so hard.”
This phrase can feel like a rejection of their efforts and a dismissal of their desire to please. For a people-pleaser, trying hard is often their way of showing love, care, and commitment. Instead of criticising their efforts, acknowledge their dedication and let them know that you appreciate their willingness to go the extra mile. Encourage them to find a balance between giving and receiving, and to get their own needs met without feeling guilty.
4. “You’re so easy to please.”
This might seem like a harmless observation, but it can imply that the people-pleaser’s opinions, desires, and preferences don’t matter. It can make them feel like they’re simply there to accommodate people, with no value or agency of their own. Instead, ask for their input, actively listen to their opinions, and respect their choices. Let them know that their thoughts and feelings are important and that you value their individuality.
5. “Why do you always put other people before yourself?”
This question can trigger feelings of guilt and shame in a people-pleaser, as it highlights their tendency to put everyone else before themselves. Instead of questioning their motives, offer support and understanding. Help them explore the reasons behind their people-pleasing tendencies, and encourage them to develop healthier self-care habits and start putting themselves first.
6. “You’re such a pushover.”
This insult can be incredibly hurtful to a people-pleaser, as it implies that they’re weak, easily manipulated, or lacking in self-respect. It can reinforce their insecurities and make them feel ashamed of their tendency to accommodate people. Instead, offer encouragement and support as they learn to assert themselves and set boundaries. Remind them of their strengths and value, and let them know that you respect their ability to stand up for themselves.
7. “You never stand up for yourself.”
This statement can feel like a personal attack on a people-pleaser’s character, implying that they’re weak, passive, or lacking in assertiveness. It can trigger feelings of inadequacy and shame, making them feel like they’re not good enough to advocate for themselves. Instead, offer support and encouragement as they learn to speak up, express their needs, and set boundaries. Celebrate their small victories and remind them that their voice matters.
8. “You always let people walk all over you.”
This phrase can make a people-pleaser feel like a victim, powerless to control their own life and relationships. It can reinforce their insecurities and make them feel like they’re destined to be taken advantage of. Instead of highlighting their perceived weaknesses, focus on their strengths and offer support as they learn to assert themselves and set boundaries. Remind them of their value and empower them to stand up for themselves.
9. “Just relax, it’s not that big of a deal.”
For a people-pleaser, even seemingly minor issues can trigger anxiety and stress. Dismissing their concerns as insignificant can invalidate their feelings and make them feel like their worries are not valid. Instead, offer a listening ear, validate their emotions, and help them find solutions to their problems. Show empathy and understanding, even if you don’t fully grasp the source of their anxiety.
10. “You’re too sensitive.”
People-pleasers are often highly attuned to other people’s feelings, and can be easily affected by criticism or negativity. Telling them they’re “too sensitive” can make them feel like their emotions are a burden or a weakness. Instead, acknowledge their sensitivity as a strength, and offer support and understanding. Help them develop healthy coping mechanisms for managing their emotions, and create a safe space where they feel comfortable expressing their feelings without judgment.
11. “You’re always so stressed out.”
People-pleasers often carry a heavy load of stress and anxiety due to their constant efforts to please people and avoid conflict. Pointing out their stress levels can make them feel like they’re failing or not coping well. Instead, offer support and encouragement. Help them identify the sources of their stress, explore relaxation techniques, and create a more balanced and manageable lifestyle.
12. “You need to toughen up.”
This phrase implies that being kind and compassionate is a weakness, and that people-pleasers need to adopt a more hardened approach to life. This can be particularly hurtful, as it invalidates their core values and suggests that they need to change who they are to be accepted. Instead, celebrate their kindness and empathy, and encourage them to find healthy ways to assert themselves and set boundaries without compromising their values.
13. “You’re not being yourself.”
People-pleasers often struggle with authenticity, as they’re constantly adapting their behaviour to meet everyone else’s needs and expectations. Telling them they’re not being themselves can be a painful reminder of this struggle. Instead, encourage them to explore their own desires, passions, and opinions. Help them discover who they truly are outside of the roles they play for the people around them, and support them as they embrace their authentic selves.
14. “You need to stop caring so much about what other people think.”
For a people-pleaser, caring about what other people think is often deeply ingrained and not easily dismissed. Telling them to simply stop caring can feel dismissive and unrealistic. Instead, help them understand the difference between healthy consideration for other people’s opinions and unhealthy codependence. Encourage them to focus on their own values and needs, while still being mindful of the impact of their actions on the world around them.
