No one likes to think they’re the problem in a relationship, but sometimes, you just might be.
That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or beyond help, of course. It means there are patterns, behaviours, or blind spots you might need to face head-on if you want love to actually work. Here are some of the signs you’re not being the partner you probably think you are, and what you can start doing about it. After all, if you want your relationship to last, you’ll have to put in the work, right?
1. You always have to be right.
If every disagreement turns into a full-blown argument because you can’t let something go, that’s not strong communication—it’s stubbornness. Needing to win every discussion leaves no room for growth or connection. Relationships aren’t about proving a point. They’re about understanding each other. Start practising the art of listening without needing to jump in. Let your partner have the final word sometimes. It won’t kill you, and it might actually bring you closer.
2. You never apologise properly.
A quick “sorry” followed by a justification isn’t an apology. It’s damage control. If you constantly find yourself passing the blame or explaining why you didn’t mean it “that way,” you’re missing the point entirely. Learn how to sit in the discomfort of a real apology. Own your part fully, even if it stings your pride. That’s the kind of accountability relationships thrive on.
3. You invalidate their feelings.
If your go-to response is “you’re overreacting” or “that’s not what I meant,” you’re telling your partner their emotional experience doesn’t matter. Eventually, being dismissed all the time tanks the trust in your relationship. You don’t have to agree with how they feel to acknowledge it. Just say, “I can see why that upset you.” It sounds simple, but it can change everything.
4. You keep score.
Tracking every single thing you’ve done versus what they’ve done is a fast way to turn love into a transaction. Relationships aren’t ledgers—they’re lived experiences. And keeping score usually hides resentment that hasn’t been dealt with. Talk about what you actually need, rather than weaponising your contributions. A partnership works better when it’s based on generosity, not tally marks.
5. You guilt them for needing space.
If your partner needs a night alone, and you immediately act hurt or passive-aggressive, you’re not being romantic—you’re being emotionally clingy. Constant access isn’t love. It’s control dressed up as connection. Respecting someone’s independence actually deepens intimacy. Try giving space without taking it personally. You’ll both feel lighter for it.
6. You take more than you give.
Whether it’s emotional support, time, money, or energy—if you’re constantly receiving and rarely reciprocating, your partner will start to feel drained. Love is meant to be mutual, not one-sided maintenance. Start asking yourself, “What have I done lately to make their life easier or warmer?” The answer shouldn’t always be silence.
7. You make everything about you.
If you have a way of flipping every conversation back to your own experience, needs, or frustrations, you might not be giving your partner the space they deserve. This isn’t just self-centred, it’s suffocating. Next time they open up, just let it be about them. Stay present. Ask questions. Show you care without turning the spotlight back on yourself.
8. You dismiss their boundaries as “too much.”
If your partner says they need something and your first reaction is to scoff, ignore it, or push against it, you’re showing them their safety doesn’t matter. Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re bridges to more respectful connection. Try meeting them where they’re at, instead of dragging them into your comfort zone. That’s how real respect works.
9. You bring up their past to hurt them.
If you find yourself using things they’ve told you in confidence as ammunition during fights, that’s not just a red flag—it’s emotional sabotage. It teaches them they can’t be vulnerable with you without it being used against them later. Own that tendency, and stop doing it. Learn how to argue without cruelty. Your relationship should feel safe even when things get messy.
10. You avoid hard conversations.
If your coping strategy is to shut down, walk away, or pretend everything’s fine until it explodes later—you’re not avoiding conflict, you’re just delaying the fallout. Emotional maturity means leaning into discomfort, not away from it. Start small. Ask, “Can we talk about this, even if it’s awkward?” That kind of honesty opens the door to repair.
11. You’re reactive instead of reflective.
Every comment feels like an attack. Every disagreement feels like a threat. If you’re always quick to lash out or shut down, your partner’s probably exhausted from trying to navigate your emotional minefield. Take a breath before responding. Ask yourself what’s really being triggered. Learning to pause could save your relationship.
12. You don’t show appreciation.
Comfort can turn into complacency if you’re not careful. If your partner feels like they’re invisible or taken for granted, resentment starts building quietly in the background. Say thank you. Compliment the little things. Let them know you see their efforts. It costs nothing and means everything.
13. You twist their words to win arguments.
If your instinct in a disagreement is to spin their words, pick apart how they said something, or redirect the focus away from your behaviour—you’re not communicating. You’re manipulating. Be honest with yourself. Are you trying to understand them, or just trying not to look like the one who messed up? That distinction matters.
14. You rely on them to regulate your emotions.
Everyone leans on their partner sometimes, but if you’re constantly turning your partner into your therapist, punching bag, or emotional manager, that’s not fair. It’s too much pressure for one person to carry. Learn to self-soothe, ask for support instead of demanding it, and get help outside the relationship when you need it. That kind of independence strengthens your connection, not weakens it.
15. You minimise your impact.
If your first reaction to feedback is “you’re too sensitive” or “I didn’t mean it that way,” you’re dodging responsibility. It doesn’t matter if you meant well. What matters is how your actions landed. Being a better partner means being willing to look at how you affect the person you love. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it is.
16. You assume love will just fix it all.
Source: Unsplash Love matters, but it isn’t magic. It doesn’t erase bad habits, heal deep wounds, or substitute for self-awareness. If you treat love like a cure-all, you’ll keep repeating the same cycles and calling it fate. The good news is, people can change. You just have to want to, and do the work. Love gets better when you do.
