When your ageing parent is struggling to care for themselves in their own house anymore, something has to be done.
For many adult children, moving your parent into a care home is a good option. For others who have the space, moving the parent in with them is the best option. However, deciding whether to move your elderly parent into your home is a huge choice, one that comes with plenty of emotions, practicalities, and potential challenges. While it’s a loving gesture, it’s not a decision to make lightly. Here are a few things that are vital to consider before taking the plunge. (And for the record, it doesn’t make you selfish or uncaring if you decide against it.)
1. Assess their care needs.
The first thing to consider is the level of care your parent requires. Are they relatively independent, or do they need help with basic daily tasks such as dressing, cooking, or managing medication? The more care they need, the more planning and resources you’ll need to provide. It’s also important to think about how those needs might evolve over time. What starts as a manageable arrangement could become more demanding as their health changes. Ensuring you have a realistic understanding of their current and future requirements will help you make a more informed decision.
2. Think about your own space.
Take a critical look at your home’s layout and space. Is there a spare room for your parent, or would you need to rearrange or even renovate to make them comfortable? Would they have privacy, and would you? Accessibility is another important factor. Stairs, narrow doorways, or lack of a suitable bathroom can all create challenges. You may need to make modifications, such as installing grab bars or stairlifts, which can be costly and time-consuming.
3. Consider your family dynamics.
Moving a parent in doesn’t just affect you; it impacts your entire household. How does your partner feel about the arrangement? Will it change the dynamic with your children or other family members living at home? It’s crucial to have honest conversations about everyone’s expectations and concerns. Open communication helps everyone feel included in the decision. Discussing how household roles might change or how everyone can contribute can create a sense of shared responsibility and reduce potential friction.
4. Evaluate your finances.
Caring for a parent often comes with additional costs. From medical expenses and home modifications to daily living costs like food and utilities, it’s important to understand how this move might strain your budget. Research potential financial assistance, such as carers’ allowances, benefits, or support from other family members. Setting clear boundaries around financial contributions — yours and theirs — can prevent misunderstandings down the line.
5. Think about your parent’s preferences.
Have you talked to your parent about how they feel about moving in? While you might think it’s the best option, they may have reservations about leaving their home or feeling like a burden. Involving them in the decision-making process shows respect and helps smooth the transition. If they’re hesitant, explore alternatives together, like in-home care or retirement communities, to find a solution that works for everyone.
6. Understand the emotional impact.
Taking on the role of a caregiver can be emotionally complex. The shift in roles — becoming responsible for the person who once cared for you — can bring feelings of guilt, frustration, or sadness. It’s important to prepare yourself for these emotional challenges. Getting some much-needed support from friends, therapy, or caregiver groups can help you navigate these feelings. Remember, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times, and asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
7. Set clear boundaries early.
Boundaries are vital for maintaining a healthy relationship when your parent moves in. Without them, it’s easy for misunderstandings or resentment to build. For example, will they help with chores, or will you handle everything? How will you balance their needs with your own family’s? Having open discussions about privacy, household routines, and responsibilities can help everyone feel more comfortable. Establishing these boundaries early sets the tone for a positive and respectful living arrangement.
8. Address their social needs.
Moving in with you might mean leaving behind their social circles. Loneliness and isolation can massively impact your parent’s mental health, so finding ways to keep them connected is crucial. Encourage them to join local groups, reconnect with old friends, or engage in hobbies they enjoy. Helping them maintain a social life can make the transition smoother and improve their overall happiness.
9. Plan for health emergencies.
Caring for an elderly parent means being prepared for unexpected health issues. Do you know their medical history? Have they shared their preferences for emergency care or end-of-life decisions? Having a clear plan in place, including emergency contacts, medical documents, and understanding local healthcare resources, can help you handle emergencies with less stress. Preparation ensures you’re ready to support them when it matters most.
10. Be realistic about your time and energy.
Caring for a parent takes time, often more than you expect. From doctor’s appointments to daily care, it can quickly feel overwhelming, especially if you’re juggling work or other family responsibilities. Assess whether you have the capacity to take this on and explore ways to lighten the load, such as sharing responsibilities with siblings or hiring part-time care. Protecting your energy is a must to avoid burnout.
11. Consider alternative options.
Moving your parent in isn’t the only solution. Assisted living, in-home carers, or day centres can provide the support they need without disrupting your household. These options may also give them a greater sense of independence. Researching these alternatives can help you make a well-rounded decision that benefits everyone. Sometimes, a mix of professional and family care is the best way forward.
12. Prepare for changes in their health.
Your parent’s health and needs may change over time. What starts as occasional assistance could evolve into full-time care. Are you prepared for these potential changes, both emotionally and practically? Having a long-term plan, including backup options like respite care or additional support, can help you adapt to these shifts without feeling overwhelmed.
13. Focus on your own well-being, too.
It’s easy to put your parent’s needs above your own, but neglecting your health and wellness can lead to caregiver burnout. Prioritising your mental and physical health is essential for maintaining balance. Make time for self-care, whether it’s exercising, meeting friends, or simply taking a break. Remember, you can’t care for someone else effectively if you’re running on empty.
14. Keep communication open.
Regular communication with your parent is key to a successful arrangement. Check in with them about how they’re feeling and whether their needs are being met. Addressing concerns early can prevent small issues from escalating. Open conversation also strengthens your relationship, making the experience more positive for both of you. It’s about creating an environment of mutual respect and understanding.
15. Be prepared to adapt.
No matter how much you plan, there will be unexpected challenges. Flexibility and patience are crucial as you navigate this new chapter with your parent. Adapting to the situation as it evolves helps create a supportive environment where both you and your parent can thrive. It’s a journey, not a one-time decision, and giving yourself grace is just as important as supporting them.
