Dealing with a narcissist is never easy.
They can flip from pleasant to aggressively argumentative in an instant, seemingly without reason. However, in their minds, there’s always a reason. Here’s a peek into their twisted strategy to get you right where they want you. The more you know about how they operate, the easier it’ll be to avoid their tricks altogether.
1. The spotlight’s not on them, so they’ll drag you into the light.
Narcissists have an insatiable need for attention. If they’re not the centre of everything, they’ll create drama to get all eyes back on them. Don’t get hooked, stay calm, and let their tantrum fizzle out. When they realize their antics won’t get them anywhere, they might just stop.
2. Your opinion threatens their fragile superiority.
They need to feel superior to everyone around them, and an argument is the perfect arena to dominate the conversation and belittle you. Disengage completely — don’t try to fight your corner or put them in their place because it won’t get you anywhere. Arguing with them only fuels their self-importance, so don’t do it to yourself!
3. Life feels a little too calm, and you’re a convenient emotional punching bag.
Narcissists get a thrill out of chaos, Psych Central notes. An unexpected fight adds some spice to a boring day, but don’t be their entertainment. Refuse to react and walk away from the nonsense. They love hurting people just for sport, so don’t let yourself become one of their victims.
4. They’re masking their own shortcomings with an outburst.
Maybe a big deadline is looming, or they messed something up. Instead of taking responsibility, they might unload their insecurities onto you with a fight. Leave them to deal with their issues alone – this gives them more time to think about where they’re going wrong and maybe think about getting their act together! (Unlikely, but it’s possible!)
5. You don’t have your “respectful servant” hat on today.
Narcissists expect constant praise and adoration. If you’re not feeding their ego enough, a fight is their way of reminding you who they think is in charge. They’ll provoke an argument in order to get you to concede to them so that they once again have the upper hand, and you’re left feeling disrespected, diminished, and at their service.
6. They’re fishing for a way out of responsibility.
Narcissists will use any excuse to twist the blame onto someone else. An argument manufactured out of thin air might be their escape route from a commitment or to avoid consequences. Don’t accept it – point out their game and hold them accountable. You don’t have to play by their rules (and you definitely shouldn’t).
7. They’re projecting their own negativity onto you.
Did your friend have a rough day at work? They might try to offload their bad mood by attacking you. Narcissists often lack healthy coping mechanisms, Psychology Today points out, and prefer to dump their negativity on others. Don’t absorb it – it’s their baggage, not yours.
8. Your success or happiness makes them see red.
Thriving on their own is difficult for narcissists. Your happiness makes them feel threatened, so they’ll try to knock you down with a fight. Ignore their bitterness and celebrate yourself shamelessly.
9. They want to isolate you.
Narcissists often try to break down your relationships with other people so that they stay in control. A sudden argument, especially in front of friends, can create confusion and tension. This is a way to drive a wedge between you and your support network. Don’t get embarrassed — call out their behaviour instead. They’re the one in the wrong, not you.
10. They get a sick thrill out of gaslighting you.
Did something objectively true happen? A narcissist might fight with you tooth and nail to rewrite the truth of what happened until you start to wonder if you’re going insane. Stand your ground, and don’t doubt your experiences. Documenting incidents can help you keep perspective, and feel confident that you’re seeing things as they really happened, not how the narcissist pretends they did.
11. They’re testing how much control they have over you.
Narcissists love to push buttons and see what they can get away with. A fight is a way to test how much you’ll tolerate before finally putting your foot down. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. If they sense weakness, they’ll capitalize on it and you’ll be sorry.
12. You challenged their fabricated persona.
Their carefully constructed self-image is a total sham. If you accidentally poke a hole in their “perfect” mask, starting a fight with you might be their way to regain control and avoid accountability. Don’t apologize for seeing through their facade – they need that reality check.
13. They’re triangulating you with someone else for attention.
Narcissists love to create drama by bringing in a third party. A fight fuelled by manufactured jealousy lets them revel in getting attention from multiple people at once. Don’t get sucked into their competition for their approval. Hopefully, the other person they try to bring into your drama will be smart enough to know better, too!
14. They’ve already started the smear campaign against you.
Source: Unsplash When a narcissist knows discard is coming, they pre-emptively paint you as the bad guy. A sudden fight may create “evidence” for their twisted narrative. Don’t take it personally and focus on the people in your life who see the truth: the narcissist is bad news.
15. They’re setting you up for failure, then blaming you.
Narcissists get satisfaction from sabotage. A seemingly random fight can distract you from tasks or plans, making it your fault when things go wrong. Be aware of their patterns and protect yourself from setup situations.
16. They’re training you to stay silent.
Source: Unsplash Repeated fights over nothing slowly eat away at your confidence to even stand up for yourself or fight back. They want to break your spirit for easier control later, but never let them silence you. Your voice matters.
