Getting kids to listen can be frustrating, especially when it feels like everything you say goes in one ear and out the other.
However, most of the time, the issue isn’t that they don’t care — it’s that certain phrases make them feel unheard, frustrated, or defensive. By tweaking the way you communicate with your child, you can get through to them more effectively and create a healthier, more cooperative dynamic (fingers crossed, anyway). Next time you, need to talk to them about something, don’t say any of these things unless you want an eye roll and a total refusal to hear you out.
1. “Because I said so.”
This might feel like the easiest way to end a debate, but it usually does the opposite. Instead of giving them a reason to listen, it makes them feel powerless and ignored, which can lead to resistance. Kids are more likely to follow instructions when they understand the reason behind them.
What works better: “I know you don’t like this, but here’s why it’s important.” Giving a simple explanation helps them feel respected, making them more willing to cooperate. It also teaches them to think critically rather than just obeying orders out of fear or frustration.
2. “Calm down!”
When kids are upset, telling them to calm down usually makes them more upset. It feels dismissive, as if their emotions don’t matter, and it can make them feel even more out of control. Instead of calming them, it often escalates their frustration and makes them shut down.
What works better: “I see that you’re upset. Let’s take a deep breath together.” It acknowledges their feelings while offering a way to regulate them, which is more productive. Helping them calm down rather than demanding it makes them more likely to trust you and open up.
3. “You’re fine.”
It’s tempting to say this when kids are upset over something that seems small, but it minimises their feelings. Even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, it might feel huge to them, and brushing it off won’t make them feel better. Over time, hearing this too often can make them stop sharing their emotions altogether.
What works better: “I know that hurt. Do you want to talk about it?” This reassures them that their feelings are valid while also encouraging conversation. When kids feel safe expressing their emotions, they develop healthier ways to manage them.
4. “Hurry up!”
Rushing kids can create stress and make them feel overwhelmed, leading to even slower responses. It can also make everyday routines feel like constant pressure, turning simple tasks into a battle. When kids feel rushed all the time, they may start resisting just to regain a sense of control.
What works better: “Let’s race to see who can be ready first!” Turning it into a game makes it fun and encourages cooperation without frustration. Kids are naturally playful, so using their instincts to motivate them often works better than demanding speed.
5. “I’m disappointed in you.”
While it might seem like a way to make them reflect on their behaviour, this phrase can actually do more harm than good. It often leads to feelings of shame rather than constructive learning, making them feel like they’re not good enough. Instead of focusing on their actions, it makes them feel like they’ve failed as a person.
What works better: “I know you can make a better choice next time.” This keeps the focus on improvement rather than guilt and allows them to learn from mistakes. Encouraging them to do better instead of making them feel bad about themselves creates a more positive learning experience.
6. “Stop crying.”
When kids cry, it’s because they’re overwhelmed with emotions, and telling them to stop doesn’t actually help. It makes them feel like their emotions are wrong or inconvenient, which can lead to bottling up feelings instead of processing them. Over time, it can teach them that showing emotion is a weakness.
What works better: “It’s okay to cry. I’m here for you.” It lets them know that emotions are normal and safe to express. Helping them work through their feelings instead of suppressing them leads to better emotional regulation as they grow.
7. “You never listen!”
When you accuse a child of never listening, they often tune you out even more. It puts them on the defensive and makes them feel like they’ve already failed, so why bother trying? It also doesn’t actually address the problem or encourage better listening habits.
What works better: “Can we try again? I need you to hear this.” It keeps the conversation open rather than making them feel scolded. When kids feel like they have a chance to improve instead of just being blamed, they’re more likely to cooperate.
8. “You’re being dramatic.”
Dismissing their feelings as dramatic makes them feel unheard and invalidated. What seems small to you might feel overwhelming to them, and telling them they’re overreacting doesn’t help them manage those emotions. Instead, it teaches them that their feelings aren’t important.
What works better: “I know this feels big right now. Let’s talk about it.” Acknowledging their emotions helps them feel understood and gives them a way to work through their feelings. Kids are more likely to calm down when they feel like they’re being taken seriously.
9. “I don’t have time right now.”
While you might genuinely be busy, saying this outright can make kids feel unimportant. They might hear it as a rejection rather than just a temporary delay. Over time, if they feel like they’re constantly being brushed off, they may stop coming to you altogether.
What works better: “I really want to hear about this. Can we talk in five minutes?” It reassures them that they matter while setting a clear boundary. When they know they’ll get your attention soon, they’re more likely to be patient.
10. “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
Source: Unsplash Comparing kids to their siblings can create resentment and damage self-esteem. It makes them feel like they’re not good enough as they are and that they have to compete for approval. That kind of comparison can create long-term issues in sibling relationships as well.
What works better: “I love the way you do things in your own way.” It reinforces their individuality and shows appreciation for their unique strengths. When kids feel valued for who they are, they’re more likely to grow into confident individuals.
11. “I’ll do it for you.”
Source: Unsplash Stepping in to do things for kids when they’re struggling might seem helpful, but it actually teaches helplessness. It sends the message that they’re incapable of handling things on their own. Instead of learning problem-solving skills, they might become overly reliant on other people.
What works better: “Let’s figure this out together.” It provides support without taking away their opportunity to learn. Encouraging independence while offering guidance helps build their confidence and problem-solving skills.
12. “If you don’t do this, you’re going to be in big trouble.”
Threats can create fear-based obedience, but they don’t teach kids why a certain action matters. They might listen in the moment to avoid punishment, but they won’t necessarily learn to make better choices in the future. It also creates a negative dynamic where fear, rather than understanding, drives their behaviour.
What works better: “What can we do to fix this?” It flips the focus to possible solutions rather than consequences. Helping kids take responsibility for their actions without fear of punishment teaches accountability in a healthier way.
13. “We can’t afford that.”
While honesty about finances is important, saying this can make kids feel guilty for wanting things. It might make them anxious about money or feel like they’re a burden. Kids don’t need to know all the financial details, but they do need a healthy understanding of limits.
What works better: “That’s not in our budget right now, but maybe we can save up for it.” It teaches financial awareness without making them feel like they’re asking for too much. It also helps them understand the value of planning and patience.
14. “I told you so.”
Source: Unsplash When kids make mistakes, rubbing it in this way doesn’t help them learn. Instead of making them reflect, it can make them feel embarrassed, defensive, or even resentful. No one likes to be reminded that they were wrong, especially when they’re already feeling bad about it.
What works better: “What do you think we can learn from this?” It encourages self-reflection without shame, helping them take responsibility in a constructive way. It allows kids to understand their mistakes while feeling supported rather than judged.
15. “You’re too young to understand.”
Dismissing a child’s curiosity or questions can make them feel unimportant. Even if they might not fully grasp a concept, shutting them down completely can discourage their natural curiosity. Kids learn by asking questions, and telling them they’re too young can make them feel excluded from important conversations.
What works better: “That’s a great question! Let me explain in a way that makes sense.” It keeps the conversation open while adjusting the explanation to their level. Encouraging curiosity helps them develop confidence in their ability to understand the world.
16. “Because life isn’t fair.”
While this statement is technically true, it doesn’t offer any real comfort or guidance when a child is struggling with disappointment. It can make them feel hopeless rather than helping them process the situation. Kids need help developing resilience, not just being told to accept unfairness without explanation.
What works better: “I know this doesn’t feel fair, and that’s really tough.” It acknowledges their feelings while creating space for discussion and problem-solving. It helps them process disappointment in a way that builds emotional strength rather than just shutting them down.
