Gaslighting is a real and serious problem, but not every confusing or frustrating statement fits the bill.
Sometimes, people say things out of defensiveness, misunderstanding, or just bad communication habits rather than an attempt to manipulate reality. The difference lies in intent; gaslighting is about control, while other statements might just be poorly worded or emotionally charged. Here are some phrases that seem like gaslighting at first glance, but might not be.
1. “That’s not what I meant.”
It’s easy to assume someone is trying to twist the situation when they say this, but not everyone is trying to rewrite history. Sometimes, people genuinely misspeak or realise what they said didn’t come across the way they intended. Clarifying isn’t always the same as gaslighting. If they’re constantly backtracking to avoid responsibility, that’s different. But if they genuinely seem open to explaining or listening, it might just be a case of poor wording rather than manipulation.
2. “I don’t remember saying that.”
Gaslighters often claim they never said something, making you doubt your memory, but not everyone who forgets is gaslighting. People genuinely forget things, especially in emotionally charged situations or if they weren’t paying full attention. If they’re open to hearing your side and acknowledging they might have forgotten, that’s not gaslighting — it’s just a memory lapse. But if they repeatedly deny things you’re certain of, that’s when it starts to cross the line.
3. “You’re overreacting.”
When used dismissively, this can be a classic gaslighting phrase meant to downplay your feelings. But sometimes, people say this because they’re overwhelmed, confused, or genuinely don’t understand why something is a big deal to you. The difference is in the response. If they follow up with, “I didn’t realise this meant so much to you, so let’s talk about it,” then it’s likely just a misunderstanding. If they refuse to acknowledge your feelings at all, that’s when it becomes a problem.
4. “That’s not what happened.”
Gaslighting often involves rewriting events to suit someone’s agenda. But in some cases, people genuinely have different perspectives on what happened. Memory isn’t perfect, and two people can recall the same event in totally different ways. If they’re open to discussing your version of events, it’s probably not gaslighting. But if they aggressively insist that your reality is wrong and refuse to even consider your side, that’s when it starts feeling manipulative.
5. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Gaslighters often dodge accountability by focusing on intent rather than impact. But not everyone who says this is trying to manipulate you — sometimes, they truly didn’t realise their words or actions would be hurtful. The key is whether they acknowledge your feelings after saying this. If they follow up with, “I’m sorry, I understand why that upset you,” then they’re likely being sincere. But if they use it as an excuse to avoid responsibility, that’s a red flag.
6. “I was just joking.”
Source: Unsplash It’s frustrating when someone hides behind humour to avoid accountability, but not every bad joke is gaslighting. Sometimes, people genuinely didn’t realise their joke would be hurtful and feel awkward when called out on it. If they listen and apologise, it’s probably just a poorly delivered joke. If they double down and make you feel like you’re the problem for not laughing, then it starts leaning into gaslighting territory.
7. “I don’t see why this is such a big deal.”
Source: Unsplash At first, this sounds dismissive, but sometimes people say it because they genuinely don’t understand why something is upsetting. Not everyone processes emotions the same way, and what’s huge to you might seem minor to them. The difference is in whether they try to understand after saying this. If they’re willing to listen and learn why it’s important to you, then it’s not gaslighting, just a difference in emotional perception.
8. “That’s just how I am.”
Source: Unsplash On the surface, this can sound like an excuse to avoid change, which is a common gaslighting tactic. But some people say this out of frustration, not manipulation — especially if they feel like they’re being criticised for their natural personality traits. If they’re open to compromise or at least willing to discuss their behaviour, it’s not necessarily gaslighting. But if they use it to justify hurting you repeatedly, that’s when it becomes a problem.
9. “You’re being too sensitive.”
Source: Unsplash This can be a dismissive phrase, but not everyone who says it is trying to manipulate you. Sometimes, people genuinely struggle to relate to certain emotions or don’t realise how their words affect other people. If they say this but are willing to talk about why you feel the way you do, it’s likely just a misunderstanding. If they refuse to acknowledge your emotions and keep making you feel ridiculous, that’s where gaslighting starts creeping in.
10. “I never said that the way you’re saying I did.”
Source: Unsplash Gaslighters often twist words to make you doubt yourself, but sometimes, people genuinely feel like their words are being misinterpreted. Maybe they phrased something badly, or maybe emotions are distorting the way both of you remember the conversation. If they’re willing to clarify and find a middle ground, it’s probably just a miscommunication. But if they always insist their version is the only correct one, it’s worth paying attention to.
11. “I didn’t realise that bothered you.”
Source: Unsplash This can sound like a way to avoid blame, but sometimes, people genuinely don’t know that something upset you until you bring it up. Not everyone is hyper-aware of how their words or actions land. If they respond by acknowledging it and making an effort to be more mindful, then it’s just an honest mistake. But if they use this phrase repeatedly to avoid taking responsibility, that’s when it becomes a pattern.
12. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
At first glance, this sounds like classic gaslighting. But sometimes, people say this when they feel overwhelmed, defensive, or confused about why something is a big deal to you. If they’re willing to talk it through and understand your perspective, it’s likely just a knee-jerk reaction. But if they refuse to listen or constantly downplay your emotions, it becomes more concerning.
13. “I just don’t want to talk about this right now.”
Avoiding a conversation can feel like gaslighting if it keeps happening, but not everyone who says this is trying to manipulate. Some people just need time to process before discussing things. The key is whether they come back to the conversation later. If they follow up and work through it, they just needed space. If they keep shutting you down with no resolution, that’s where it becomes dismissive and controlling.
14. “That never happened the way you think it did.”
This can be gaslighting if it’s meant to rewrite history, but it can also just be someone remembering an event differently. People’s memories aren’t perfect, and disagreements over what actually happened are normal. If they’re open to hearing your side and discussing it, it’s not necessarily gaslighting. However, if they make you feel like you imagined the whole thing or refuse to consider your perspective, it might be more than just a bad memory.
15. “I don’t understand what you want from me.”
This phrase can feel frustrating, but sometimes, it’s just an expression of genuine confusion. Not everyone picks up on emotional cues easily, and they might really not know what you need from them in the moment. If they ask follow-up questions and try to understand, it’s likely not gaslighting. But if they use this to avoid accountability and shut down the conversation, that’s a different story.
16. “I never meant to make you feel that way.”
This phrase can be dismissive if it’s used to brush off your feelings, but it can also be a genuine attempt to express regret. Not everyone realises the impact of their words until it’s pointed out. The key is what comes next. If they listen and try to make things right, they’re likely being sincere, but if they use this as a way to excuse repeated behaviour, that’s when it becomes a red flag.
