What happens to you as a child has a big effect on the type of adult you become.
If you experienced childhood trauma, chances are that will stay with you for decades — or even the rest of your life, if you don’t work through it with in therapy. Whether your parents didn’t give you the emotional support you needed, you experienced abuse, or you simply felt lonely or abandoned, you may have grown up to develop these traits.
1. They don’t know how to set or maintain boundaries.
Adults who experienced childhood trauma often have difficulty setting and respecting boundaries. They might oscillate between being overly rigid and completely porous in their personal limits. This inconsistency stems from never having learned what healthy boundaries look like. As children, their boundaries were likely violated or ignored, leaving them without a proper model. In adulthood, this manifests as either pushing people away or letting people take advantage of them. Learning to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries becomes a crucial part of their healing journey.
2. They can’t accept criticism or feedback that isn’t 100% positive.
Source: Unsplash People who had difficult childhoods often develop an intense reaction to criticism, even when it’s constructive. A simple suggestion or feedback can feel like a personal attack. This hypersensitivity is rooted in childhood experiences where criticism was harsh, constant, or coupled with emotional or physical abuse. As adults, they might become defensive, withdraw, or lash out when faced with any form of critique. This reaction can hinder personal growth and strain relationships, making it challenging to receive valuable input or engage in healthy conflict resolution.
3. They become perfectionists.
Perfectionism is a common trait among those who experienced childhood hardship. It often develops as a coping mechanism, a way to avoid criticism or gain approval. These individuals set unrealistically high standards for themselves and everyone around them, leading to chronic stress and disappointment. The fear of making mistakes can be paralysing, preventing them from taking risks or trying new things. This perfectionism isn’t about striving for excellence; it’s a defence against the feelings of inadequacy instilled during childhood. Breaking free from this mindset requires recognizing that imperfection is part of being human.
4. They don’t know how to regulate their emotions.
Emotional regulation doesn’t come naturally to many who had troubled childhoods, according to Psych Central. They might experience intense mood swings, overreact to minor stressors, or have difficulty calming down once upset. This challenge stems from not having learned healthy emotional coping strategies during their formative years. Instead, they might have been taught to suppress emotions or witnessed extreme emotional responses. As adults, they find themselves overwhelmed by their feelings, often leading to impulsive behaviours or strained relationships. Developing emotional intelligence and learning healthy coping mechanisms becomes a crucial part of their personal growth.
5. They don’t know how to trust people.
Trust issues are prevalent among those who experienced childhood adversity. They might be overly suspicious of other people’s intentions or have trouble believing in the reliability of relationships. This distrust is a protective mechanism developed in response to past betrayals or inconsistent care. As adults, they might struggle to form deep connections, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This guardedness can lead to loneliness and missed opportunities for meaningful relationships. Learning to trust again is a gradual process that involves challenging ingrained beliefs and taking calculated risks in forming connections.
6. They have imposter syndrome and don’t feel like they deserve good things.
Imposter syndrome is common among adults who had difficult childhoods. Despite their achievements, they constantly doubt their abilities and fear being exposed as frauds. This feeling stems from a deep-seated belief that they’re fundamentally unworthy or incapable, often instilled by childhood experiences of criticism or neglect. They might attribute their successes to luck rather than skill, and live in constant fear of failure. This mindset can hold them back from pursuing opportunities or fully enjoying their accomplishments. Overcoming imposter syndrome involves recognizing their genuine abilities and challenging negative self-perceptions.
7. They have a tendency to self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage is a perplexing but common behaviour in those who experienced childhood hardship. They might unconsciously create obstacles in their personal or professional lives, sabotaging relationships or opportunities for success. This behaviour often stems from a deep-rooted belief that they don’t deserve happiness or success, or from a fear of the unknown. It can also be a way of maintaining control – if they’re the ones causing the failure, it feels less painful than failing due to external factors. Recognizing and addressing this pattern requires deep self-reflection and often professional help to unpack the underlying beliefs driving this behaviour.
8. They find it hard to look after themselves consistently.
Adults who had difficult childhoods often neglect their own needs and well-being. They might have erratic sleep patterns, poor eating habits, or neglect regular medical check-ups. This lack of self-care isn’t laziness; it’s often rooted in not having learned to prioritize their own needs or feeling unworthy of care. As children, their needs might have been consistently overlooked or dismissed. In adulthood, this translates to difficulty in recognizing and addressing their own physical and emotional requirements. Developing a consistent self-care routine becomes an important step in their healing process, requiring them to acknowledge their worth and prioritize their well-being.
9. They don’t know how to express their needs and feelings (or even identify them in the first place).
Many who experienced childhood adversity struggle with articulating their needs and emotions. They might bottle up feelings until they explode, or have trouble identifying what they’re feeling at all. This difficulty often stems from environments where their emotional expressions were ignored, punished, or met with indifference. As adults, they might come across as aloof or suddenly volatile, damaging relationships and their own mental health. Learning to identify, accept, and express emotions in healthy ways becomes a crucial skill for their personal growth and interpersonal relationships.
10. They have serious people-pleasing tendencies.
People-pleasing is a common trait among those who had troubled childhoods. They might go to extreme lengths to avoid conflict or make sure everyone else is happy, often at the expense of their own well-being. This behaviour typically develops as a survival strategy – keeping everyone happy meant staying safe or loved. In adulthood, this translates to difficulty saying no, constantly putting other people’s needs first, and feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. This pattern can lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of personal identity. Learning to prioritize their own needs and opinions becomes an essential part of their journey towards healthier relationships and self-esteem.
11. They overthink and overanalyse everything to the point it becomes paralysing.
Overthinking and rumination are common mental habits for those who experienced childhood difficulties. They might spend hours analysing past interactions, worrying about future scenarios, or second-guessing decisions. This tendency often stems from growing up in unpredictable or hostile environments, where hypervigilance was necessary for emotional or physical safety. As adults, this manifests as an inability to relax, constant anxiety, and difficulty living in the present moment. Breaking this cycle requires learning mindfulness techniques and challenging the belief that constant vigilance is still necessary for survival.
12. They struggle with commitment in relationships.
Commitment issues are prevalent among adults who had unstable childhoods. They might have a pattern of short-lived relationships, fear of intimacy, or anxiety about long-term commitments. This stems from early experiences of abandonment, betrayal, or witnessing unstable relationships. As adults, they might sabotage relationships when they start to get serious or keep partners at arm’s length emotionally. This behaviour is a protective mechanism to avoid potential hurt, but it prevents them from experiencing deep, meaningful connections. Overcoming this requires confronting fears of vulnerability and learning to trust in the stability of relationships.
13. They can’t accept compliments.
Many who endured difficult childhoods struggle to accept praise or positive feedback. They might deflect compliments, minimize their achievements, or feel uncomfortable with recognition. This behaviour often stems from a deep-seated belief in their own unworthiness, instilled by childhood experiences of constant criticism or neglect. Positive feedback might feel foreign or even threatening to their self-image. Learning to accept compliments graciously and internalize positive feedback becomes an important step in rebuilding self-esteem and challenging negative self-perceptions.
14. Their inner critic is overwhelmingly loud.
A powerful and relentless inner critic is common among those who experienced childhood adversity. This internal voice constantly judges, criticizes, and belittles their actions and worth. It’s often an internalization of critical parents or caregivers, continuing their negative messaging long into adulthood. This harsh self-talk can lead to chronic low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. Recognizing this inner critic as a separate entity, not an inherent truth, is the first step in challenging and reframing these negative thought patterns.
15. They may become codependent with romantic partners.
Codependency is a common issue for adults who had troubled childhoods. They might base their self-worth on other people’s approval, take responsibility for other people’s emotions, or lose their sense of self in relationships. This pattern often develops from growing up in dysfunctional families where they had to cater to a parent’s needs at the expense of their own. In adult relationships, this manifests as an unhealthy dependence on partners, friends, or even children. Breaking free from codependency involves learning to establish a strong sense of self, setting healthy boundaries, and recognizing that they’re not responsible for anyone else’s happiness or well-being.
16. They might struggle with addiction or compulsive behaviours.
Source: Unsplash As Psychology Today notes, adults who experienced childhood trauma are at higher risk for developing addictions or compulsive behaviours. This might involve substance abuse, gambling, overworking, or other escapist activities. These behaviours often serve as coping mechanisms to numb emotional pain or fill an inner void. The roots of addiction often lie in attempts to self-medicate the lingering effects of childhood trauma. Overcoming these issues requires addressing the underlying trauma, developing healthier coping strategies, and often getting professional help to break the cycle of addiction.
