Not all toxic behaviour is obvious, especially when it’s wrapped in charm.
Some men know exactly how to present as kind, funny, and respectful in public, while showing a very different side in private. The contrast can be confusing, even disorienting, for the person on the receiving end. These habits are often the quiet red flags that prove someone is more concerned with appearances than genuine care behind the scenes. Keep your eyes peeled!
1. They’re overly generous in front of other people.
They might go out of their way to pay the bill, compliment you loudly, or show public displays of affection that seem sweet on the surface. However, behind closed doors, that generosity often disappears, or comes with strings attached. It’s less about kindness and more about performance. They want everyone else to see them as a devoted partner, while quietly reminding you later that you owe them for all the ‘nice’ things they do in front of an audience.
2. They quietly punish you for speaking up.
In public, they may smile and nod when you share an opinion. But later, when it’s just the two of you, you might find yourself getting the cold shoulder or being guilt-tripped for embarrassing them or “making them look bad.” It creates a double standard, one where they’re allowed to express anything, but you’re expected to shrink yourself to protect their ego. Eventually, this can eat away at your confidence in expressing anything at all.
3. They use jokes as a cover for cruelty.
They may make subtle digs about you in front of friends, then laugh and say, “Relax, I’m only joking.” These comments often target sensitive topics, and while everyone else might laugh along, you’re left feeling exposed or humiliated. When called out, they’ll often turn it back on you, accusing you of being too sensitive or unable to take a joke. It’s a tactic that lets them hide meanness behind a smile, while leaving you feeling unsure of your own reaction.
4. They act like they don’t know what you’re talking about.
When you bring up something they’ve done in private, they’ll often act confused or deny it outright, especially if anyone else is around. They might say, “I never said that,” or “You’re making things up again.” That gaslighting makes you question your memory and reality. It’s designed to make you look unstable while they maintain the image of the easygoing, misunderstood partner.
5. They’re charming to everyone—except you.
They light up when talking to waitstaff, friends, or strangers at a party, offering compliments and warmth with ease. But when the doors close, their energy shifts. The kindness fades, and you’re left feeling like a burden or an annoyance. That contrast makes it hard to explain what’s going on. To the outside world, they seem perfect. However, in private, you’re the only one who sees the constant emotional withdrawal or moodiness.
6. They exaggerate your flaws when talking to other people.
In subtle ways, they might make comments to friends or family that paint you as overly emotional, forgetful, or difficult. These stories are usually delivered with a grin, so it doesn’t come off as cruel—just casual banter. The thing is, it’s not harmless. It plants doubt about your character in other people’s minds while reinforcing their role as the “patient” one. Meanwhile, you’re left trying to defend yourself against a version of you that doesn’t feel true.
7. They withhold affection as a form of control.
Physical affection or warmth might be freely offered in public, but at home, it becomes inconsistent. If you upset them or challenge something they’ve done, the affection disappears without explanation. It creates an emotional imbalance where love becomes conditional. You’re left feeling like you have to walk on eggshells or earn back their approval just to feel close again.
8. They twist your words when no one else is around.
Conversations that start calmly can quickly turn into confusion. You might say something straightforward, only for them to respond as if you’ve attacked them or implied something you didn’t mean. That habit isn’t just frustrating; it’s manipulative. It allows them to control the narrative and pass off blame, while keeping you stuck in a loop of clarifying and apologising for things you never said.
9. They apologise in public, but not in private.
When they cross a line that other people notice, they may quickly apologise in a way that makes them look accountable. However, once you’re alone, the sincerity vanishes. They either downplay what happened or act like you’re holding a grudge. These public apologies are less about repair and more about image management. They want to be seen as the reasonable one while keeping control of how the story plays out later.
10. They use compliments to mask control.
At first, their praise might feel flattering—comments about your appearance, your intelligence, or how lucky they are to have you. However, after a while, those compliments start to feel calculated, even conditional. You may notice that praise only comes when you’re behaving a certain way, or when they want to distract you from something hurtful they said earlier. It’s not genuine admiration; it’s a tool for compliance.
11. They downplay your achievements in private.
In public, they might brag about your accomplishments. However, behind closed doors, they’re quick to criticise how you did it, how long it took, or why it wasn’t really that impressive. Such mixed messaging is designed to keep you questioning yourself. It allows them to appear supportive while still keeping your confidence in check when no one’s watching.
12. They make you feel like the problem for reacting.
They say something cruel, dismissive, or hurtful—but the moment you react, they focus on your tone, your tears, or how you’re “ruining the mood.” The original behaviour gets buried under your response to it, and it passes the blame onto you every time. It teaches you that staying silent is easier than speaking up, and that your feelings are a bigger issue than their actions.
13. They constantly move the goalposts.
What was okay yesterday suddenly isn’t okay today. Rules change without warning, and expectations keep moving. You might do everything “right” only to be told you still failed somehow. That unpredictability keeps you unsteady. It makes it hard to feel grounded or secure in the relationship because the standards are always changing, and somehow, always just out of reach.
14. They make you feel like you’re lucky to have them.
Through subtle remarks or comparisons, they’ll suggest that you’d struggle without them or that other people wouldn’t put up with you. It’s not said outright—it’s hinted at, dropped in like a joke or observation. As time goes on, it wears down your sense of self-worth. It turns the relationship into something you feel you have to hold onto, not because it’s loving, but because you’ve been made to feel like you don’t deserve better.
15. They deny things that clearly happened.
You might remind them of something they promised, a comment they made, or an incident that affected you, and they’ll look you in the eye and say it never happened. Or worse, they’ll say you misunderstood again. When this happens repeatedly, it destroys your trust in your own memory. It’s a form of control that works quietly, making you second-guess what you know to be true.
16. They only show accountability when there’s something to lose.
When confronted, they might finally admit to something—but only when their reputation, job, or another relationship is at risk. The apology comes not from remorse, but from self-preservation. That habit reveals a deeper truth: they value how they appear more than how they behave. And the charm they show to the world isn’t a reflection of their character; it’s a shield for it.
