It’s okay if using ‘they/them’ pronouns doesn’t feel natural to you yet.
For many people, it takes a little rewiring, especially if you’ve spent most of your life thinking of gender in binary terms. However, struggling with it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of change, and it definitely doesn’t mean people should adjust their identity to make things easier for you. If you want to get more comfortable with it but don’t know where to start, these reminders might help open the door.
1. You’ve probably used ‘they/them’ before without even thinking.
If you’ve ever said, “Someone left their phone—I’ll try to return it to them,” then congratulations: you’ve already used ‘they/them’ as a singular pronoun. The structure is familiar; it’s just that the intention behind it feels different when a person is openly asking to be recognised that way.
When it’s hypothetical or anonymous, it slips right off the tongue. But when it’s attached to someone’s real identity, people suddenly feel unsure. That’s not a grammar issue. That’s about adjustment, and you’re absolutely capable of making it with a bit of effort.
2. You don’t have to fully understand to be respectful.
Respect doesn’t require full comprehension. You’ve probably honoured all kinds of things in life you didn’t personally understand—someone’s beliefs, culture, or boundaries. Using someone’s pronouns falls into the same category. You might not get the emotional experience behind being nonbinary, but you don’t need to. What matters is that someone has clearly told you what helps them feel seen, and that’s a good enough reason to try.
3. People aren’t expecting perfection—just effort.
No one’s asking you to never slip up. Mistakes happen, especially when you’re still rewiring old habits. What matters more is how you respond when you do mess up—do you correct yourself, move on, and try again? Or do you freeze, get defensive, or avoid the person entirely?
Most nonbinary people don’t expect everyone to get it right all the time. They just want to know you care enough to try without turning it into a big deal. Grace goes both ways, but the trying part starts with you.
4. It’s not a trend—it’s personal.
People sometimes dismiss they/them pronouns as part of a social phase or a generational thing. But for the person who’s using them, it’s not a statement; it’s a reflection of who they are. It’s not a costume or a challenge to tradition. It’s about feeling real in their own skin. Even if it seems unfamiliar or unnecessary to you, the impact it has on their comfort, safety, and confidence is huge. Dismissing it because it doesn’t match your experience isn’t harmless—it’s hurtful.
5. Being uncomfortable isn’t the same as being harmed.
It might feel awkward to use new language at first. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong or dangerous. It just means you’re outside your usual comfort zone. That’s a pretty normal part of learning something new. If using ‘they/them’ makes you feel clumsy, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re being erased or pushed aside. It just means you’re being asked to stretch your language a bit, and you can do that without losing anything.
6. You’ve adapted to changes like this before.
Think about all the things that used to be normal that you no longer say—terms for disability, race, or gender that are now outdated. Language evolves because we evolve. It’s how we make space for more people to feel safe, respected, and included. This is just one more step in that process. If you’ve adapted before, and you definitely have, then you’re fully capable of doing it again, especially when it helps someone feel like they belong.
7. You don’t need to believe in it to use it.
This isn’t about your personal belief system. You don’t have to agree philosophically with nonbinary identities to still use someone’s pronouns correctly. Just like you’d call someone by their chosen name even if you didn’t like it, you can use their pronouns as an act of basic respect. You don’t lose anything by doing so. In fact, it often shows strength, not weakness, when someone can hold space for other people, even when their life experiences are completely different.
8. Refusing to try sends a loud message.
If someone shares their pronouns, and you dismiss it, ignore it, or make a joke out of it, you’re not just saying, “I don’t get it.” You’re saying, “Your identity doesn’t matter enough for me to make an effort.” That might not be what you mean, but it’s how it lands. Choosing to learn—stumbling through it if needed—is always better than choosing to reject someone outright. Silence or resistance speaks volumes, and not in a good way.
9. You’re not being asked to give up your language, just to make space.
Some people feel like they’re losing something when they’re asked to change the way they speak. However, you’re not giving anything up. You’re just making room for more people to be included in the language you use every day. Inclusivity doesn’t shrink your world—it expands it. And the idea that only two pronouns can exist forever is limiting for everyone, not just those outside the binary.
10. It often means more to someone than you’ll ever realise.
To you, it might feel small—just a tweak in a sentence. But to the person on the receiving end, hearing the right pronoun can be affirming in a way that ripples out far beyond that moment. It can make someone feel safe. It can shift their entire day. You don’t have to understand the weight it carries for it to still carry weight. That’s the power of small acts of recognition.
11. You’d figure it out if someone you loved asked you to.
If your child, sibling, or best friend came out as nonbinary and asked you to use they/them pronouns, you’d probably find a way to adjust. Not because it suddenly became easy, but because your love would outweigh your resistance. That willingness already exists in you. The question is whether you’re willing to extend it beyond the people closest to you. Because at the end of the day, kindness shouldn’t stop at your front door.
12. It’s not about being politically correct—it’s about being decent.
This isn’t about ticking the right boxes or avoiding cancel culture. It’s about acknowledging another human being’s experience and doing the bare minimum to make them feel respected. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be fluent in gender theory. You just have to be willing to show up with a little openness and a little less ego. The rest will come with time, and intention.
