Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is a vital ingredient in being a decent human being.
It’s basically the glue that holds relationships and society together, and it’s sorely needed these days (I mean, have you watched/read the news lately?!). However, some people seem to have missed the empathy memo. If you regularly spout any of these 17 phrases, I hate to break it to you, but you’re one of them. Time for some serious self-reflection!
1. “Toughen up.”
This is a classic response of the empathy-challenged. Someone comes to you with a problem or shares a vulnerability, and your knee-jerk reaction is to tell them to “toughen up” or “grow a thicker skin”. Because apparently, having feelings is a character flaw that needs fixing. News flash: dismissing someone’s struggles doesn’t make you edgy or cool, it makes you a jerk. Real strength lies in being brave enough to face emotions head-on.
2. “Stop being so sensitive.”
Cousin to “toughen up”, this phrase is a favourite of those who can’t handle the terrible burden of other people’s pesky feelings. You’re quick to write off anyone who gets upset or offended as “too sensitive”, conveniently absolving yourself of the need to consider their perspective. But guess what? Sensitivity is not a dirty word. It’s a gift that allows people to pick up on nuance and subtlety that others miss. So, maybe try being a bit more sensitive yourself, yeah?
3. “You’re overreacting.”
This is gaslighting at its finest. When someone has an emotional reaction you don’t understand or agree with, you’re quick to pull out the ol’ “you’re overreacting” card. Because obviously, you’re the authority on what constitutes an appropriate response to their situation. Invalidating someone’s feelings is no doubt going to make them feel unheard and alone. Instead of judging their reaction, try asking questions to gain a fuller understanding. Novel concept, I know.
4. “It could be worse.”
When someone shares their struggles with you, do you whip out the comparative suffering card? You know, hit them with a “it could be worse” or “others have it so much harder”? Newsflash: pain is not a competition. Downplaying someone’s hardship doesn’t magically make it disappear. It just makes them feel like their feelings are unworthy of compassion. Everyone’s entitled to their own experience. Meet them where they’re at instead of trying to forcibly drag them into perspective.
5. “It is what it is.”
The catchphrase of the emotionally lazy. When faced with someone else’s difficulties, you can’t be bothered to muster up a thoughtful response, so you just shrug and hit them with a dismissive “it is what it is”. Way to make them feel heard and supported! Not. Apathy is not some bizarre form of zen wisdom, it’s a cop-out. If you can’t think of anything actually helpful to say, try just listening or offering a hug instead.
6. “Everything happens for a reason.”
This is a favourite platitude of those who can’t sit with the reality of senseless pain. Someone experiences a devastating loss or setback, and you’re quick to assure them that “everything happens for a reason”. As if the universe is some cosmic chess master and tragedy is all part of the grand plan. Newsflash: terrible things happen for no good reason every day. Don’t try to slap a pretty bow on someone’s suffering. Just be present in their pain.
7. “Positive vibes only.”
The mantra of the toxically cheerful. You’re so determined to keep things light and breezy, you shut down any hint of negativity or downer emotions. Someone tries to confide their troubles, and you hit them with a chirpy “positive vibes only!” As if the sheer force of peppy slogans will magically banish their blues. But constantly having to shove down “bad” feelings to protect your fragile mood is a recipe for isolation and despair. Let people be real with you.
8. “Man up / Don’t be such a girl.”
Ah, toxic masculinity’s greatest hits. Heaven forbid a man shows a shred of vulnerability — better police that quick with a “man up” or “grow a pair”. And of course, what’s the highest insult for a dude? Comparing him to — gasp — girl! Because everyone knows emotions are strictly for the ladies, right? Wrong. Reinforcing harmful gender stereotypes that shame people for having feelings is a great way to breed a society of stunted robots. Let people be whole humans, yeah?
9. “Happiness is a choice.”
Oh, is it now? Gee, why hadn’t the millions struggling with depression thought to just choose happiness — problem solved! This glib phrase is a favourite of the Insta-inspo crowd, who wouldn’t know real hardship if it smacked them in the face. Happiness isn’t just some tap you can turn on at will. For many, it’s a hard-won state they have to fight like hell for. Don’t reduce their struggle to a simple matter of choosing their attitude. That’s privilege talking.
10. “Get over it.”
Empathy 101: when someone is struggling with something, don’t tell them to just “get over it”. Wow, why didn’t they think of that? Oh, right, because healing is a complex process that can’t be rushed by the impatient demands of others. Telling someone to “get over” their pain is basically announcing you couldn’t care less about what they’re going through. It’s dismissive, unhelpful, and guaranteed to make them feel utterly alone. Try “I’m here for you” instead.
11. “Life’s not fair, deal with it.”
No one’s saying that life is all sunshine and roses, but trotting this phrase out in response to someone’s legitimate grievances is a true empathy fail. Yes, life is unfair sometimes — that doesn’t mean people should just suck it up and stop hoping for better. Injustice should be named and challenged, not shrugged off with a cynical “that’s just how it is”. You can acknowledge harsh realities while still holding space for people’s hurt and anger.
12. “You think you’ve got problems…”
We’re all familiar with the old “suffering Olympics” approach. Someone confides their struggles, and you can’t resist chiming in with a “you think you’ve got problems? Wait until you hear about my bad week/sick relative/financial woes”. Making everything about you and one-upping their pain will make the person regret opening up to you. This isn’t Top Trumps: Misery Edition. Just listen and empathize without needing to prove you’re the bigger victim.
13. “Don’t take it personally.”
If someone is gutsy enough to give you constructive criticism or bring up a problem, hitting back with a flippant “don’t take it personally” is a cop-out of colossal proportions. You’re basically telling them that you can’t handle even the mildest call-out, and any negative feedback clearly says more about them than you. Textbook defensiveness and lack of accountability. If you can’t face tough conversations without needing to dodge and shift blame, good luck growing as a person.
14. “I’m sure they didn’t mean it like that.”
Source: Pexels When someone shares an experience of being hurt or offended by another’s words or actions, think carefully before defaulting to the old “I’m sure they didn’t mean it like that”. You’re essentially telling that person that their interpretation of events is wrong, and the other party is innocent of any ill intent. But impact matters more than intent — pain is valid even if it wasn’t purposeful. Don’t undermine someone by second-guessing their read on a situation you didn’t witness first-hand.
15. “Not everything is about you!”
Source: Unsplash Irony alert: if you’re constantly accusing others of making everything about them, it’s time for some serious self-reflection. Automatically attributing self-centred motives to anyone who shares their perspective or wants to talk things out is a common empathy-dodger manoeuvre. You’re basically trying to shame the other person into staying quiet so you don’t have to do the work of considering their view. Spoiler: most people aren’t making it about them, they’re trying to connect.
16. “You do you.”
Source: Unsplash At first glance, this breezy little phrase seems to be about encouraging autonomy and withholding judgment. But often, it’s just a socially acceptable way of saying “I really can’t be bothered to engage with your mess or help you untangle this, so carry on I guess!” When someone is stuck in self-destructive patterns or struggling to find their way, a glib “you do you” sends the message that you’re washing your hands of giving a damn. Real empathy is getting in the trenches with people, not cheerfully abandoning them there.
17. “Calm down.”
Source: Unsplash Possibly the most infuriating, patronising, guaranteed-to-backfire thing you can say to someone in the midst of strong emotions. Nothing signals “I have zero ability to handle feelings” quite like barking at a person to “calm down” mid-upset. Not only does it spectacularly miss the mark as far as empathy goes, it’s also a quick way to dial UP the emotional intensity, as you’ve now added invalidation and condescension to the mix. Pro tip: if you want someone to calm down, maybe try a little something called listening and understanding. Wild, I know.
