Despite our best intentions, sometimes we say things that hurt our partner’s feelings (and vice versa).
You don’t want to make a big deal out of it, especially since you know they didn’t mean it, but you also want them to know how you feel. If you’re struggling to express your feelings to your other half, here are some ways to go about it that make sure you feel heard and understood, but that don’t cause unnecessary drama.
1. Choose the right time and place.
Timing is important when talking about a sensitive topic, so make sure you choose a moment when you’re both calm and have privacy. Don’t bring up your hurt feelings during an argument or when your partner is stressed or distracted. A quiet, comfortable setting means they’ll be more likely to hear you out and less likely to get defensive.
2. Use “I” statements to express your feelings.
Frame your concerns using “I” statements rather than accusatory “you” statements. For example, say, “I felt hurt when…” instead of “You always…” is a good way to go. This way, you’re focusing on your feelings without placing blame, making your partner less likely to become defensive again.
3. Be specific about the behaviour that hurt you.
Clearly identify the specific behaviour or words that caused your pain, especially because vague complaints can lead to confusion and frustration. Providing concrete examples helps your partner understand exactly what upset you and how to avoid similar situations in the future.
4. Avoid generalisations and absolutes.
Steer clear of words like “always” or “never” because these absolutes can make your partner feel attacked and are rarely accurate. Instead, focus on the specific instance that hurt you. This way, they can address the hurtful incident itself rather than feeling under fire for their overall behaviour.
5. Express your emotions honestly but calmly.
It’s okay to show emotion, but try to remain as calm as possible. Crying or expressing sadness is natural, but avoid yelling or becoming overly dramatic. A calm demeanour can help your partner listen without feeling overwhelmed or defensive.
6. Listen to your partner’s perspective.
After expressing your feelings, give your partner a chance to respond. Listen and try to understand their point of view — they may have a different interpretation of the situation or be unaware of how their actions affected you. This doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it might give you a bit more context.
7. Don’t make assumptions about their intentions.
Don’t assume your partner meant to hurt you. Often, hurt feelings result from misunderstandings or unintentional actions. Approach the conversation with an open mind, and be willing to hear their side of the story. You might realise that it really was a big misunderstanding.
8. Use “feeling” words to describe your emotions.
Be clear about how you feel using specific emotion words. Instead of just saying you’re “upset”, try to pinpoint whether you feel “disappointed”, “embarrassed”, “neglected”, or another emotion. A bit of clarity helps your partner understand the impact of their actions more precisely.
9. Don’t bring up things that happened in the distant past.
Focus on the current issue at hand. Bringing up past hurts or unrelated problems can derail the conversation and make your partner feel unfairly attacked. If there’s a pattern of behaviour, you can mention that, but stick to the matter at hand.
10. Be open to finding solutions together.
After expressing your feelings, be ready to work with your partner on finding a solution. Ask them how they think the situation could be handled differently in the future. Working as a team reinforces that you’re in this together to improve your relationship.
11. Practise active listening when they respond.
When your partner speaks, give them your full attention — don’t interrupt them or plan your rebuttal. Show that you’re listening by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and maybe even repeating back what you’ve heard to ensure understanding.
12. Be willing to forgive.
If your partner apologises and shows genuine remorse, be open to forgiveness. Holding on to hurt feelings can damage your relationship in the long run. Remember that forgiveness is a process, and it’s okay if it takes time, but it’s vital if you want to keep your relationship strong.
13. Use touch if appropriate.
Physical contact, like holding hands or a gentle touch on the arm, can help maintain connection during tough conversations. However, be mindful of your partner’s comfort level and respect their personal space if they seem to need it.
14. Avoid ultimatums or threats.
Threatening to leave or issuing ultimatums can create fear and resentment. Instead, focus on expressing your needs and working together to meet them. If there are serious issues that need addressing, consider couples therapy rather than making threats.
15. Express appreciation for their willingness to listen.
Thank your partner for hearing you out, even if the conversation doesn’t go perfectly. Acknowledging their effort can encourage open communication in the future. It shows that you value their willingness to have hard conversations.
16. Be prepared to revisit the conversation.
Sometimes, one conversation isn’t enough to fully resolve an issue, so be open to discussing the issue again if needed. This might involve checking in on agreed changes or addressing lingering feelings. Ongoing communication is key to relationship growth.
17. Reflect on the conversation afterwards.
After the discussion, take some time to reflect on how it went. Consider what worked well and what you might do differently next time. A bit of self-reflection can help you improve your communication skills for future conversations about sensitive topics.
