You don’t have to fully understand someone’s experience to support them.
If you have LGBTQIA+ friends, you might not always know the right words to say or how to show up for them in the best way, but what matters most is that you try. Being a good friend isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about listening, learning, and being there. If you want to support your queer friends but don’t always know how, here are some simple yet meaningful ways to do it.
1. Listen without trying to “fix” anything.
Sometimes, when people open up about their experiences, the instinct is to offer advice or try to solve things for them. But when it comes to queer experiences, your friend doesn’t need a solution—they just need to be heard.
Let them share their feelings, struggles, or stories without interrupting or redirecting the conversation. Phrases like “I hear you” or “That sounds really difficult” show that you’re listening and validating their experience, rather than trying to minimise or fix it.
2. Respect their identity, even if you don’t fully understand it.
You might not personally relate to your friend’s gender identity, sexuality, or pronouns, but that doesn’t mean their experience isn’t real. Respecting their identity means using their correct name and pronouns, even if it takes time to adjust.
It’s okay if you don’t fully “get it” at first. The key is to honour their identity regardless. If you accidentally slip up, correct yourself and move on—no need to over-apologise or make it about you.
3. Educate yourself instead of relying on them to teach you.
Your queer friends don’t exist to explain everything to you, and constantly expecting them to educate you can be exhausting for them. While they may be happy to share their personal experiences, it’s important to do your own research too.
Read books, watch documentaries, or follow LGBTQIA+ creators online to expand your understanding. The more you learn on your own, the better you’ll be able to support your friends without putting the burden on them to be your teacher.
4. Speak up against discrimination, even when they’re not around.
Being a supportive friend isn’t just about how you treat them—it’s also about how you act when they’re not there. If you hear someone making homophobic, transphobic, or ignorant comments, challenge it instead of staying silent.
It doesn’t have to be a dramatic confrontation; even a simple “Hey, that’s not cool” or “Actually, that’s not true” can make a big difference. Your queer friends will appreciate knowing that you stand up for them, even when they’re not in the room.
5. Include them in conversations about relationships and love.
Sometimes, queer people get unintentionally left out of conversations about dating, love, and relationships. If all your discussions assume heterosexual or cisgender experiences, your friend might feel excluded.
Ask about their love life the same way you would with any other friend. Avoid treating their relationships as “different” or overly focusing on labels—just engage with them as you would with anyone else.
6. Support their mental health without assuming it’s all about being queer.
Many LGBTQIA+ people face unique challenges, but that doesn’t mean every struggle they have is related to their identity. If your friend is going through a hard time, don’t assume it’s automatically because they’re queer.
Check in on them like you would with any friend: “How have you been feeling lately?” or “Is there anything I can do to support you?” Sometimes, they might want to talk about queer issues, and other times, they just need a friend to be there without making assumptions.
7. Avoid making jokes at their expense.
Even if you have a close friendship, be mindful of the kind of jokes you make. What seems harmless to you might feel dismissive or invalidating to them, especially when it comes to their identity.
Comments like “Oh, you’re the token gay friend!” or “I need a gay best friend!” might seem lighthearted, but they can come across as reducing them to their identity rather than seeing them as a whole person. It’s always better to err on the side of respect.
8. Celebrate their milestones and wins.
Coming out, embracing their identity, or reaching a place of self-acceptance can be huge moments in a queer person’s life. If they share these things with you, celebrate them!
Whether it’s congratulating them when they come out, supporting them in transitioning, or just being excited about their new relationship, your enthusiasm helps them feel valued and supported. A simple “I’m really happy for you” can go a long way.
9. Create safe spaces where they can be themselves.
Your queer friends may not feel safe or accepted everywhere, so knowing that they have a friend who welcomes them as they are can mean a lot. Make sure they know they can talk to you openly without fear of judgment.
Little things like inviting them to bring their partner to events, avoiding gendered assumptions, and making it clear that your friendship is a safe space can make a world of difference in helping them feel truly accepted.
10. Let them know you’re still learning, but that you care.
You don’t have to be perfect to be a supportive friend. It’s okay if you’re still learning, as long as you’re making an effort. The most important thing is showing that you care and that you’re willing to grow.
Be open about your learning process: “I might not always get everything right, but I’m here for you, and I’m trying.” That simple honesty can mean more than you realise because what really matters is that you’re showing up for them in the best way you can.
