Just because you and your partner don’t have the same love language doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy, healthy relationship.
There’s every chance of success — so long as you learn to understand, adapt to, and speak your partner’s love language (and vice versa). Here’s how to make sure both of your needs are met so that you can go the distance. Try not to worry too much — it’s less complicated than it seems.
1. First off, figure out what your love languages actually are.
Before you start pointing fingers, take one of those online quizzes to figure out your own love language if it’s not immediately clear. You might be surprised — maybe you’re not the words of affirmation guru you thought you were. You might think the way you receive love best is via acts of service when really it’s quality time. Either way, it’s worth figuring it out!
2. Have an honest chat about it.
Sit down with your other half and talk it out. There’s no mind reading required here — just good old-fashioned communication. Share your results and listen to theirs. It’s not about who’s right or wrong (because there’s no such thing), it’s about understanding each other better. Once you realise where the other person stands, you can then figure out the best way forward.
3. Don’t expect them to change overnight.
Your partner’s not going to suddenly start speaking your love language fluently. It takes time and practice. Be patient — they’re learning a whole new way of expressing love. Make sure they’re offering you a bit of grace, too. You’ll both likely make a few missteps, but you’ll get there in the end — sooner than you think!
4. Appreciate their efforts, even if they’re clumsy.
If your acts of service partner tries to give you words of affirmation, don’t critique their technique. Appreciate the effort. They might sound as if they’re reading from a greeting card, but hey, they’re trying. It’s the thought that counts, even if the delivery’s a bit off.
5. Translate your needs into their language.
If you need more quality time, but your partner speaks gifts, ask them to give you the gift of their undivided attention for an hour. There are so many different ways to meet someone’s needs and get yours met. You just need a bit of compromise and some creative thinking!
6. Don’t keep score.
This isn’t a game of love language tennis. Don’t tally up who’s making more effort or who’s winning at this love language lark. Relationships aren’t a competition — unless it’s who can make the worst dad joke, then game on. Just do your best and trust that your partner is doing theirs, and you’ll be golden.
7. Learn to recognise love in different forms.
Your partner might be showing love in ways you’re not used to. The cup of tea they made you or the fact that they took out the bins without being asked might be acts of love in their mind. Start noticing them and expressing your gratitude. A bit of positive re-enforcement might encourage them to keep going! Plus, who doesn’t like to feel appreciated for their effort?
8. Don’t use it as an excuse for bad behaviour.
Different love languages don’t justify being a jerk. “But honey, ignoring you is just my love language!” Sorry, but that’s not how it works. Love languages explain preferences, not poor treatment. Don’t be that person. If your love languages truly don’t mesh, or you can’t adapt, you may need to reconsider the relationship as a whole.
9. Try speaking their language, even if it feels unnatural.
If your partner thrives on physical touch, but you’re more of a words person, try holding their hand more often. It might feel a bit awkward at first, but practise makes perfect. Sometimes you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone a bit for the sake of the person you love. Just make sure they’re willing to do the same for you.
10. Remember, actions speak louder than words (usually).
Even if your love language is words of affirmation, remember that actions often carry more weight. A partner who consistently shows up for you is worth more than one who just says pretty things. It’s like the difference between someone who promises to help you move and someone who actually shows up with a van.
11. Don’t forget about your own needs.
While it’s great to cater to your partner’s love language, don’t completely neglect your own needs. It’s okay to ask for love in the way you best receive it. You’re not being selfish — you’re helping your partner love you better. If they truly care about you, they’ll actually probably appreciate the pointers.
12. Use it as a tool, not a weapon.
Love languages should bring you closer, not drive you apart, so don’t use them to criticise or blame. “You never do the dishes because your love language isn’t acts of service!” is not a valid argument. It’s a tool for understanding, not ammunition for fights.
13. Mix it up sometimes.
Don’t get stuck in a rut. Even if your partner’s love language is gifts, they might appreciate a surprise hug or a kind word now and then. Don’t just assume that they won’t appreciate any other form of love just because it’s not their favourite — switch things up every once in a while.
14. Remember that love languages can change over time.
Just because your partner was all about physical touch five years ago doesn’t mean it’s the same now. People change, circumstances change. Check in regularly about what makes you both feel loved. The more honestly and openly you talk to each other, the easier it is to keep up on these changes.
15. Don’t overthink it.
At the end of the day, love languages are just a guide, not a rulebook. Don’t get so caught up in the theory that you forget to actually, you know, love each other. Sometimes a cuddle is just a cuddle, not a deep expression of your primary love language.
16. Use it as a chance to get creative.
Different love languages can be an opportunity to think outside the box. If you’re a gift-giver, and they’re a quality time person, plan an experience instead of buying a thing. Not only is this incredibly thoughtful, but it keeps your relationship from becoming boring and predictable, so it’s a win-win!
17. Consider cultural differences too.
Love languages can vary across cultures. What’s normal in one might be odd in another. If you’re in a cross-cultural relationship, factor this in. Make sure you’re educated and thoughtful when it comes to respecting their background and beliefs. This alone can be a meaningful way to show your love.
18. Remember, it’s about connection, not perfection.
The goal of understanding love languages is to connect better, not to become a perfect partner. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll misunderstand sometimes, and that’s okay. As long as you’re both making an effort, you’re on the right track.
