It’s one thing to be helpful; it’s entirely another to feel like you’re constantly being used.
Whether it’s a partner, friend, roommate, or family member, some people seem to expect everyone else to do everything for them without a second thought. If you’re tired of being treated like a personal assistant or butler, here are some ways to set boundaries and regain your sense of respect. After all, they’re grown adults — they can look after themselves!
1. Recognise the pattern.
Before you can do anything about it, you need to acknowledge what’s happening. Are they constantly asking you for favours, but never returning them? Do they act entitled to your time and effort? Do they expect you to handle things they should be doing themselves? Sometimes, this behaviour creeps in slowly, especially if you’ve always been the ‘helpful one.’ But once you see the pattern for what it is — taking, taking, and more taking — it becomes clear that something needs to change.
2. Stop jumping in to help automatically.
If you’re used to saying “yes” without thinking, it’s time to hit the pause button. The more you do for someone, the more they’ll come to expect it. If they never have to figure things out themselves, they’ll happily let you keep doing everything. Instead of immediately stepping in, take a breath and let them handle things on their own. You don’t have to explain or justify — just stop making yourself the default problem-solver.
3. Learn to say “no” without feeling guilty.
One of the biggest reasons people get treated like servants is because they struggle to say no. But setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. If someone is always asking you to do things they could easily do themselves, it’s okay to refuse. You don’t need an excuse. A simple “Sorry, I can’t right now” or “You’ll have to figure that one out” is enough. If they’re genuinely your friend, they’ll respect it. If they get annoyed, that’s their problem—not yours.
4. Watch how they react when you set boundaries.
When you start saying no, pay attention to their response. Do they respect it, or do they push back? Do they act annoyed, guilt-trip you, or try to manipulate you into doing it anyway? Someone who values you as a person will understand that you’re not there to serve them. But if they react badly, it’s a sign they saw you more as a convenience than a friend.
5. Make them responsible for their own tasks.
If they’re always expecting you to pick up after them, cook, clean, or run errands while they relax, start handing those responsibilities back to them. If they live with you, stop cleaning up their mess. If they’re always asking for favours, let them handle things themselves. At first, they might act confused or frustrated, but that’s because they’ve got used to you doing everything. Eventually, they’ll either step up or show you their true colours.
6. Ask for things in return.
Some people only realise they’re being unfair when you flip the situation. If they’re constantly expecting help but never offer it, start making requests of your own. If they ask for a lift, say, “Sure, but can you help me with something later?” If they want you to cook dinner, suggest they handle the washing up. If they suddenly disappear when it’s their turn to help, you’ll know exactly where you stand.
7. Never apologise for having boundaries.
When you start standing up for yourself, you might feel the urge to soften it with an apology—don’t. You’re not doing anything wrong by refusing to be used. It’s easy to fall into the trap of saying, “Sorry, I just can’t today,” but you don’t need to be sorry for not being someone’s personal assistant. A simple, confident “I can’t” is enough.
8. Stop excusing their behaviour.
If someone is constantly taking advantage of you, it’s easy to make excuses for them. “They’re just bad at organising things.” “They don’t mean to put so much on me.” “That’s just how they are.” But the truth is, if they really valued your time, they’d be more considerate. It’s not your job to accommodate their laziness or lack of effort.
9. Don’t let guilt trips get to you.
When people realise they’re losing their ‘go-to helper,’ they might start laying on the guilt. They’ll say things like, “I thought you were a good friend” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” However, if it’s not a big deal, why don’t they do it themselves? A real friend wouldn’t try to make you feel bad for setting boundaries. Don’t fall for it.
10. Be direct when needed.
If they keep treating you like a servant despite your efforts to step back, sometimes the best thing to do is call it out. A simple, “I’ve noticed you expect me to do a lot for you, but I need you to start handling things yourself,” makes it clear. It might feel awkward at first, but if they genuinely respect you, they’ll take it on board. If not, they’ll show you that they only valued you for what you could do for them.
11. Spend less time around them.
If someone consistently uses you, the easiest way to deal with it is to start distancing yourself. The less available you are, the less opportunity they have to take advantage of you. Instead of answering their messages immediately or always being the first to offer help, start focusing on yourself. When they realise you’re no longer at their beck and call, they might rethink how they treat you.
12. Surround yourself with people who respect you.
The best way to break the habit of being someone’s unpaid assistant is to spend more time with people who value you as a person. Healthy relationships are built on mutual care and respect, not one person doing all the work. If someone consistently takes advantage of your kindness, it might be time to rethink whether they deserve a place in your life.
13. Don’t fall into the “just this one time” trap.
Once you start setting boundaries, some people will try to sneak back in with a “just this once” request. They’ll ask for a quick favour, insist it’s an emergency, or promise they won’t ask again. But if you give in, you’re telling them that all they have to do is push a little harder and you’ll cave. Stay firm, because “just this once” usually turns into “just one more time” over and over again.
14. Remember: You’re not responsible for their comfort.
It might feel uncomfortable to start saying no, but that’s okay. If someone is treating you like a servant, your comfort hasn’t exactly been their priority. You’re not responsible for making their life easier at your own expense. If they get upset because you’ve set boundaries, that’s their problem, not yours. The people who truly respect you will adjust—the ones who don’t were never worth your effort in the first place.
