Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy, warmth, and togetherness, but there’s always that one relative who tests everyone’s patience.
Whether it’s outdated opinions, tactless comments, or uninvited criticisms, dealing with an offensive family member can make the festivities feel more like a battlefield than a celebration. To preserve your sanity and keep the offensive family member in their place, here’s how to handle them.
1. Set clear boundaries ahead of time.
If you know certain topics or behaviours are likely to cause conflict, set boundaries before the gathering. Let them know, either directly or through a mutual family member, what you’re not willing to tolerate. For example, “I’d appreciate it if we avoided talking about politics this year.” Boundaries give you a safety net to fall back on.
2. Plan your responses in advance.
Prepare a few calm, polite responses for the comments you’re expecting. If your relative makes offensive remarks, having a prepared line like, “I don’t agree, but let’s keep things light for the holidays,” can help defuse tension. Knowing what you’ll say helps you stay composed instead of reacting emotionally.
3. Use humour to deflect.
Sometimes, a well-timed joke or light-hearted remark can neutralise an offensive comment. If they make an awkward observation, try responding with something like, “Well, that’s one way to liven up Christmas dinner!” Humour can ease tension and let you sidestep conflict without giving in.
4. Limit your time with them.
If you know this relative is going to test your patience, plan to limit your interaction. Spend time in other rooms, help out in the kitchen, or mingle with guests who lift your spirits. It’s perfectly okay to take short “breaks” from someone who drains your energy.
5. Bring a supportive ally.
Having a friend, partner, or sibling who knows the situation can make a huge difference. Your ally can help redirect conversations, provide moral support, or even step in if things get uncomfortable. Sometimes, just knowing someone has your back can make you feel more secure.
6. Avoid taking the bait.
Offensive relatives often thrive on stirring up drama. If they make inflammatory comments, take a deep breath and resist the urge to engage. Responding with a calm “Let’s not get into that right now” shows you won’t be drawn into unnecessary arguments.
7. Focus on the positives.
Rather than letting one relative ruin the day, focus on the things and people that bring you joy. Whether it’s playing with the kids, enjoying your favourite Christmas food, or chatting with relatives you actually like, shift your attention to the parts of the celebration that make you happy.
8. Have an exit strategy.
Sometimes, the best way to protect your peace is to leave when things get too heated. Whether it’s a quick walk around the block, a bathroom break, or an early departure, having an escape plan gives you control. It’s okay to prioritise your mental health over staying in a stressful environment.
9. Redirect the conversation.
If the conversation is heading into dangerous territory, steer it somewhere safer. Questions like, “Have you watched any good movies lately?” or “What’s your favourite Christmas memory?” can change the subject and help avoid a potential clash. Most people will follow your lead if you confidently shift the focus.
10. Be firm but polite.
If a comment crosses the line, it’s okay to say so. A simple, “I’d rather not talk about that,” or “I don’t appreciate that comment” sets a clear boundary without escalating the situation. Being polite but firm lets them know their behaviour isn’t welcome.
11. Practise self-care before and after.
Prepare yourself mentally before the gathering with activities that calm and ground you, like exercise, meditation, or listening to music. Afterward, plan something to help you unwind, like a bath, a movie, or a chat with a friend. Self-care helps you recover from stressful interactions.
12. Remind yourself it’s not about you.
Offensive comments often say more about the person making them than about you. Remind yourself that their behaviour reflects their own issues, insecurities, or ignorance. Keeping this perspective can help you take things less personally and maintain your sense of self-worth.
13. Be prepared to walk away.
If all else fails and the behaviour continues, it’s okay to physically remove yourself from the situation. Walking away isn’t weakness—it’s self-preservation. A simple, “I’m going to step away for a bit” can save you from unnecessary stress and help you stay composed.
14. Decide what’s best for your mental health.
Ultimately, your well-being is more important than family obligations. If attending a gathering means putting yourself through excessive stress or anxiety, give yourself permission to skip it. There’s no shame in prioritising your mental health over tradition.
