Arguments are unavoidable in life, but how you handle them can make a major difference in how they get resolved (if they do at all).
When you’re angry, upset, or have a totally different opinion than the other person, it’s easy to go in too aggressively, say things you don’t mean, or show the other person a complete lack of disrespect. That’s not going to help anyone, though. Here’s how to deal with disagreements or even all-out fights without being a jerk (even if you’re in the right).
1. Choose your timing carefully.
Never start important discussions when you’re exhausted, hungry, or rushed. Trying to resolve issues at the end of a long day or just before work leads to hasty words and unfinished conversations. Wait for a time when you’re both calm and have the mental space to truly engage. The moment you feel the urge to argue isn’t always the right moment to have that discussion.
2. Listen without planning your response.
Most people spend their listening time mentally preparing their next point. That means you’re not actually hearing what’s being said, you’re just waiting for your turn to speak. True listening means absorbing the other person’s perspective completely before formulating your response. It’s a little thing, but it can completely change the way an argument pans out.
3. Use “I feel” instead of “You always.”
Accusations trigger defensiveness, shutting down any chance of real communication. When you express how something affects you rather than attacking the other person’s character, you create space for understanding. The difference between “I feel ignored” and “You always ignore me” can change the entire direction of a conversation.
4. Take breathing breaks.
When emotions start rising, pause and breathe deeply. This isn’t about walking away or avoiding the issue — it’s about staying regulated enough to communicate effectively. A simple “I need a moment” followed by three deep breaths can prevent words you’ll later regret.
5. Stay on one topic.
Avoid bringing up past grievances or unrelated issues. If you’re discussing finances, don’t drag in last month’s family drama. Each problem deserves its own space and attention. When you focus on one issue at a time, solutions become clearer and more achievable.
6. Acknowledge valid points.
When the other person makes a good point, say so. This isn’t about winning or losing — it’s about finding the truth together. Recognising their valid arguments doesn’t weaken your position; it shows you’re mature enough to see beyond your own perspective. It also builds trust and encourages reciprocal understanding.
7. Mind your body language.
Crossed arms, eye-rolling, or aggressive gestures can escalate tensions before words are even spoken. Keep your posture open and your expressions neutral. Your body communicates as much as your words do, and hostile body language can undermine even the most reasonable arguments.
8. Ask clarifying questions.
Instead of assuming you understand, ask for clarification. “Can you help me understand what you mean by that?” opens dialogue rather than shutting it down. These questions show you’re engaged in understanding, not just waiting to prove your point.
9. Watch your volume.
Raising your voice might feel natural when emotions run high, but it rarely helps. Speaking calmly and clearly carries more weight than shouting ever will. When you maintain a steady, respectful volume, you model the kind of communication you want to receive.
10. Identify common ground.
Start by acknowledging what you mutually agree on, even if it’s just wanting to resolve the issue. This creates a foundation for working through differences. Finding shared goals reminds both parties you’re on the same team, even when disagreeing.
11. Use specific examples.
Vague complaints are hard to address. Instead of “you never help,” try “I felt overwhelmed doing the dishes alone last night.” Concrete examples give you both something tangible to work with and prevent misunderstandings about what needs to change.
12. Avoid absolute terms.
Words like “never,” “always,” and “impossible” rarely reflect reality and often escalate tensions. These absolutes invalidate any exceptions and put the other person on the defensive. More nuanced language leaves room for discussion and understanding.
13. Set clear boundaries.
Establish what’s off-limits in arguments — no name-calling, no bringing up certain past events, no threatening the relationship. Having agreed-upon boundaries helps keep disagreements productive rather than destructive. These ground rules create a safer space for honest discussion.
14. Focus on solutions.
Move conversations toward “how can we fix this?” rather than dwelling on who’s to blame. Solution-focused discussions are more productive than endless problem analysis. Ask what specific changes would help and be willing to compromise on practical steps forward.
15. Know when to pause.
Recognise when an argument isn’t productive anymore. If you’re going in circles or emotions are too high, it’s okay to take a break. Set a specific time to resume the discussion when you’ve both had space to reflect and calm down.
16. Check for understanding.
Before ending the discussion, summarise what you’ve both agreed to and ensure you share the same understanding of any solutions or compromises reached. This way, you won’t end up in a whole other argument in the future about what was actually decided, and shows you’re committed to following through.
