Few things feel more heartbreaking and frustrating than being kept from your children by an ex.
Whether it’s out of spite, control, or a messy legal battle, being cut off from your own kids can leave you feeling powerless, angry, and lost. That being said, even in the hardest moments, there are steps you can take to deal with the situation in a way that protects both your mental health and your relationship with your children. It’s not easy, but staying level-headed, proactive, and patient can make a difference when dealing with this kind of vindictive behaviour from your former partner.
1. Stay as calm as possible, even when it feels impossible.
Few things are as infuriating as being blocked from your kids, but reacting with anger or desperation can work against you. If your ex is trying to provoke a reaction, losing your temper can play right into their hands and be used against you in legal proceedings.
Instead of feeding into conflict, focus on maintaining your composure. This isn’t about being passive; it’s about keeping your head clear so you can handle the situation strategically rather than emotionally. Document interactions, take deep breaths before responding, and remind yourself that your ultimate goal is maintaining a connection with your kids.
2. Document absolutely everything.
Source: Unsplash When emotions run high, facts matter. Keep a record of every denied visit, ignored message, or sudden schedule change. Save texts, emails, and any communication that shows your efforts to be involved and any roadblocks being put in your way.
Having a detailed timeline can make all the difference if you need to take legal action. It helps separate feelings from facts and ensures that any claims you make are backed up by solid evidence. Even if the situation feels unfair, having proof of what’s happening can be a powerful tool in the long run.
3. Don’t badmouth your ex in front of your kids.
As tempting as it is to vent, speaking negatively about your ex in front of your children can backfire. It puts them in an impossible position and can make them feel like they have to pick sides, which only adds to their stress.
Instead, focus on reinforcing your love for them. Let them know you’re always there, no matter what. Kids pick up on tension, but they also pick up on warmth and reassurance. Even if your ex is painting you in a bad light, maintaining your integrity will serve you better in the long run.
4. Get legal advice as early as possible.
Source: Unsplash It’s easy to assume things will work themselves out, but when it comes to custody issues, early legal intervention can save a lot of stress. Even if you don’t want to go down the legal route immediately, knowing your rights can help you make informed decisions about your next steps.
A lawyer can guide you through your options, whether that means mediation, filing for formal custody agreements, or enforcing existing court orders. The sooner you understand your rights, the better prepared you’ll be to handle whatever comes next.
5. Use every possible avenue to stay connected.
If direct visits are blocked, try other ways to stay present in your child’s life. Send letters, video messages, or small gifts to remind them you’re thinking of them, even if you’re not getting a response.
Even if your ex is controlling communication, small gestures can make a big difference. Knowing you’re still there, even from a distance, can be a source of comfort for your kids. Over time, they will remember who consistently showed up for them.
6. Take the high road, even when it feels unfair.
If your ex is being unreasonable, it’s tempting to match their energy, but doing so can hurt your case in the long run. Courts often look at how both parents handle disputes, and retaliating out of frustration can be used against you.
Instead, stay focused on your ultimate goal, which is having a strong, lasting relationship with your children. That’s what really matters, even if it takes longer to achieve than you’d like. Keeping your behaviour respectful and mature will serve you far better than stooping to your ex’s level.
7. Avoid engaging in pointless arguments.
Your ex may try to bait you into fights, especially if they know you’re hurting. However, constant back-and-forth arguments only make the situation worse and give them more reasons to justify keeping the kids away.
Whenever possible, keep communication civil and to the point. If emotions run high, take a step back before responding to messages or requests. If necessary, limit interactions to written communication, so there’s a clear record of everything.
8. Strengthen your case with a parenting plan.
If there’s no formal custody agreement in place, creating a parenting plan can help set clear expectations. A detailed plan outlines visitation schedules, communication agreements, and decision-making responsibilities.
Having a structured plan in writing, even if informal at first, shows your commitment to co-parenting and gives you something solid to refer back to if disputes arise. Courts often favour parents who show they are organised and willing to co-parent effectively.
9. Focus on what you can control.
You may not be able to force your ex to cooperate, but you can control how you show up for your kids when you do get the chance. Even if time with them is limited, make it meaningful and positive. Kids remember the quality of the moments they share with you. Being emotionally present, patient, and loving, no matter the circumstances, can reinforce your bond even in difficult times.
10. Surround yourself with support.
Going through this alone can feel unbearable, so lean on trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands what you’re going through. Having emotional support can help you process frustration without letting it consume you.
Joining a support group for parents facing similar struggles can also be a game-changer. Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone can bring a sense of strength and perspective.
11. Consider mediation before court battles.
Source: Unsplash Litigation can be costly, stressful, and drawn out. If there’s any hope of reaching an agreement, mediation can provide a structured way to negotiate custody and visitation without escalating the conflict. Many courts prefer to see parents attempt mediation before taking legal action. It can also help maintain a co-parenting relationship that isn’t entirely built on animosity.
12. Be patient, but don’t be passive.
Sometimes, the best approach is to give things time while continuing to push for your rights in a steady, non-reactive way. However, being patient doesn’t mean doing nothing. Stay proactive by keeping records, following up legally when needed, and making sure you’re doing everything in your power to remain present in your child’s life.
13. Keep reminding your kids you love them.
Even if you’re being kept away, never let your children doubt how much you care. If you can’t communicate with them directly, find ways to let them know they’re loved through mutual friends, letters, or even legal channels. They may not fully understand what’s happening right now, but as they grow, they’ll remember who was always there for them, no matter what.
14. Don’t give up.
It’s easy to feel defeated when you’re being blocked at every turn, but persistence matters. Even if things don’t change overnight, showing up consistently—whether legally, emotionally, or through small acts—keeps your connection with your kids alive. Children grow up, and circumstances change. Keep fighting for them in ways that are steady, respectful, and based in love. Your effort will mean everything in the long run.
