Discovering that you’ve misjudged someone can be devastating, especially when they’ve let you down or turned out to be very different than you thought they were.
It’s easy to get down on yourself, doubting your ability to be a good judge of character or chastising yourself for being “stupid” or “clueless.” However, people are incredibly sneaky and manipulative, and many of them will go to great lengths to pull the wool over people’s eyes. In other words, it’s not your fault, but learning to cope with this realisation takes patience and self-reflection. Here’s how to give yourself a bit of grace and come to terms with being blinkered by someone you liked and maybe even trusted.
1. Acknowledge your feelings.
The first step in coping is giving yourself permission to feel. It’s completely normal to feel hurt, betrayed, or even embarrassed when you realise you didn’t see someone for who they truly are. These emotions are valid and deserve to be processed rather than ignored or dismissed. By allowing yourself to experience these feelings, you begin the process of healing. Journaling, talking to a friend, or simply taking time to sit with your emotions can help you understand them better. This step is about accepting that it’s okay to feel upset without letting those feelings consume you.
2. Avoid blaming yourself.
It’s easy to slip into self-blame when you realise you were blinkered about someone. You might think, “How didn’t I see this sooner?” or “I should’ve known better.” But hindsight is always clearer, and it’s important to remember that being trusting isn’t a flaw. Rather than criticising yourself, try to focus on the fact that you were acting based on the information you had at the time. Blaming yourself doesn’t change the situation, but learning from it can help you grow and make different choices moving forward.
3. Reflect on the relationship.
Take time to look back on the connection you had with this person. Were there red flags you ignored, or did they present a version of themselves that wasn’t authentic? Reflection isn’t about dwelling on the past, but about gaining clarity to understand what happened. By analysing the relationship, you can identify patterns or behaviours that might have contributed to your perspective. That understanding can empower you to approach future connections with more awareness and a clearer sense of what you value in other people.
4. Accept that people can change — or reveal their true selves.
Sometimes, the person you thought you knew changes over time, and sometimes they were simply hiding their true nature. Either way, it’s not uncommon for someone’s behaviour to shift or for hidden traits to emerge later. Accepting this reality helps you move past the shock of their actions. People are complex, and their choices don’t always align with the image we have of them. Letting go of the need to fully understand their motives can make it easier to focus on how you want to move forward.
5. Distance yourself if necessary.
If the realisation has made the relationship toxic or unhealthy, it’s okay to create space. Distancing yourself doesn’t mean you’re holding a grudge; it’s about protecting your peace and prioritising your well-being. That space can give you the clarity and time needed to process everything. Whether it’s reducing contact, setting boundaries, or cutting ties completely, doing what feels right for your mental health is key. It’s not about punishment, but about creating an environment where you can heal and regain your balance.
6. Focus on your strengths.
When someone disappoints you, it can feel like a personal failure. But this is a great time to remind yourself of your strengths, values, and qualities that remain intact regardless of the situation. You’re still capable, kind, and resilient, even if someone didn’t appreciate or respect those traits. Focusing on your strengths helps you regain confidence and shift the narrative away from what went wrong. Celebrate the fact that you’re learning and growing from the experience, even if it feels uncomfortable right now.
7. Get support from the people you trust.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Sharing your experience with a trusted friend or family member can provide comfort and perspective. Sometimes, just voicing your thoughts out loud can make the situation feel more manageable. Support doesn’t have to come in the form of advice. Often, having someone listen and validate your feelings is enough to lighten the emotional load. That connection reminds you that you’re not isolated and that people care about your well-being.
8. Resist the urge to retaliate.
It can be tempting to act out of anger or hurt, especially if the person’s actions were particularly upsetting. Retaliation might feel satisfying in the moment, but it rarely leads to long-term peace or closure. Instead, focus on maintaining your dignity and composure. Rising above the situation shows that you’re prioritising your own growth and well-being. It helps you move on and prevents further drama or complications.
9. Reassess your expectations.
Sometimes, feeling blinkered about someone comes from having expectations that they couldn’t meet. Reflecting on what you expected versus what they could realistically offer can bring clarity and reduce future disappointment. Adjusting your expectations doesn’t mean lowering your standards — it’s about aligning them with reality. This helps you build healthier relationships where both parties feel understood and respected.
10. Take lessons from the experience.
Every challenging situation offers an opportunity to learn. Think about what this experience has taught you about trust, boundaries, or recognising red flags. These lessons can guide you in future relationships and help you avoid similar disappointments. Rather than seeing the experience as a failure, frame it as growth. Recognising that you’re better equipped to navigate relationships now can bring a sense of empowerment and hope for the future.
11. Rebuild your self-trust.
Realising you were blinkered about someone can shake your confidence in your own judgement. It’s important to take steps to rebuild that self-trust by recognising the ways you’ve made good decisions in the past. Remind yourself that everyone misjudges situations or people occasionally — it doesn’t define your ability to make sound choices. Giving yourself grace and focusing on future decisions can help restore your faith in yourself.
12. Focus on gratitude for clarity.
Although the situation may feel painful, there’s value in finally seeing things clearly. Being aware of the truth, even if it’s hard to accept, allows you to make more informed choices going forward. Focusing on gratitude for the clarity helps shift your mindset from loss to growth. It reminds you that every experience, even the tough ones, contributes to your overall journey and strengthens your perspective.
13. Move forward on your own terms.
Ultimately, coping with this realisation is about reclaiming control over your narrative. Instead of letting the disappointment define your outlook, focus on the steps you want to take next. Moving forward doesn’t have to mean forgetting or dismissing the experience. It’s about carrying the lessons with you while leaving behind the weight of the hurt, and that empowers you to build healthier relationships and a more positive future.
