Grandparents often play a unique role in a child’s life, offering love, wisdom, and sometimes a bit of spoiling.
However, not all grandparents are engaged with or interested in their grandchildren’s lives. When that happens, it can be confusing, hurtful, and even frustrating for parents who imagined a stronger connection. While you can’t force relationships, there are ways to cope with the situation and manage your expectations. Here are a few things you can do to make this painful situation slightly easier.
1. Accept the situation for what it is.
The first step is coming to terms with the reality of the situation. It’s natural to feel hurt, but trying to change someone who isn’t interested often leads to more frustration. Accepting their level of involvement allows you to focus your energy on what you can control rather than what you can’t.
2. Don’t take it personally.
It’s easy to feel like disinterest is a reflection on you or your child, but often it’s not. Grandparents might have their own reasons—busy schedules, personal struggles, or simply not knowing how to connect with kids. Recognising that it’s likely not about you can help lessen the sting.
3. Reassess your expectations.
Sometimes, the idea of what we *think* a grandparent-grandchild relationship should look like doesn’t match reality. Letting go of those expectations doesn’t mean you’re giving up—it just means you’re making peace with a different dynamic. Every family is unique, and relationships can take unexpected shapes.
4. Focus on the family relationships that matter most.
If grandparents aren’t stepping up, that’s okay—your immediate family is what truly counts. Strengthen your bond with your children and focus on the loving relationships they do have, whether that’s with you, siblings, or close friends who feel like family.
5. Keep the lines of communication open.
If you feel comfortable, have an honest conversation with the grandparents. They might not realise how their lack of involvement is affecting you or your kids. Sometimes, a gentle nudge or a bit of understanding about what’s expected can make a difference.
6. Avoid pressuring the grandparents.
While it’s tempting to push for more involvement, pressure often leads to resistance. Instead, offer opportunities for them to engage without guilt trips or demands. A simple invitation to a school event or a casual coffee meet-up might open the door without making them feel cornered.
7. Create opportunities for connection.
If they’re open to it but unsure how to engage, offer easy ways for them to connect with your children. Suggest activities like baking together, playing a board game, or going for a short walk. Sometimes, simple shared experiences can help build a bond over time.
8. Fill the gap with other loving adults.
If the grandparents aren’t interested, look to other adults who can provide that supportive, mentor-like role. Aunts, uncles, or even close family friends can step in to offer the connection and love you’d hoped for from the grandparents. It really does take a village.
9. Focus on your child’s perspective.
While you might feel hurt, your child may not notice or be as affected, especially if they’re surrounded by love elsewhere. Pay attention to how your child feels about the situation, and reassure them that they are cherished by many people in their life, including you.
10. Set boundaries if necessary.
Sometimes, grandparents who are disinterested can also be critical or dismissive when they do interact. If that’s the case, it’s okay to set boundaries to protect your child’s emotional wellbeing. Quality of interaction matters far more than frequency.
11. Model healthy coping for your kids.
Children pick up on how we react to situations. If they notice you’re upset about the grandparents’ lack of interest, it can influence how they see themselves. Instead, model acceptance and focus on the positive relationships in their life to show them how to handle disappointment gracefully.
12. Keep the door open for future involvement.
People change, and circumstances shift. Just because the grandparents aren’t involved now doesn’t mean they never will be. Keeping the door open—without pressuring them—allows for the possibility of a stronger relationship down the road if they’re ready for it.
13. Take care of your own feelings.
It’s okay to feel disappointed or sad when expectations aren’t met. Give yourself space to process those emotions, whether it’s talking to a friend, writing about it, or even going to therapy. Taking care of yourself helps you stay strong for your kids and focus on what truly matters.
