Asserting yourself may not come naturally to you, and even if it does, it isn’t easy during tough conversations.
Whether you’re asking for a raise, breaking up with a partner, or even calling out someone who intimidates you, staying confident and standing up for yourself are key. You have a right to voice your thoughts, feelings, and opinions, and all of those things are valid. Here’s how to back yourself even during discussions that are a bit intense.
1. Start with a clear intention.
Before jumping into the conversation, take a moment to define what you want to achieve. Having a clear intention, like setting a boundary or clarifying an issue, can keep you focused. Having some focus also helps you avoid getting sidetracked by emotions. Knowing your goal helps you communicate more effectively and stay on track.
2. Use “I” statements to avoid blame.
When you frame your feelings with “I” statements, it reduces the chance of sounding accusatory. For example, saying, “I feel concerned when…” instead of “You always…” shifts the focus to your perspective. This approach makes it easier for the other person to hear you without feeling defensive. It’s a small language change that keeps things calm and respectful.
3. Keep your tone calm and steady.
Your tone can affect the entire mood of the conversation. Keeping it calm, even if the topic is tough, shows confidence and control. If things get heated, taking a deep breath can help you regain composure. A steady tone helps the other person take your words seriously without feeling attacked.
4. Maintain open body language.
Non-verbal cues can say as much as your words. Crossing your arms or avoiding eye contact might unintentionally make you seem closed off or defensive. Instead, aim to keep your posture relaxed and make gentle eye contact. Open body language shows you’re approachable and engaged, which can ease tension.
5. Be direct and to the point.
Long-winded explanations can dilute your message and make things more confusing. Being concise and straightforward shows that you’re clear about what you’re saying. A bit of clarity also helps the other person understand exactly what you’re asking or explaining. Direct communication leaves less room for misunderstanding.
6. Acknowledge the other person’s perspective.
You don’t have to agree with the other person, but acknowledging their perspective can help them feel heard. Phrases like, “I understand where you’re coming from” show empathy without undermining your own stance. Recognising their viewpoint builds mutual respect, which often makes them more receptive to yours.
7. Don’t be afraid of pauses.
Silence can be uncomfortable, but it also gives you a moment to gather your thoughts. If things feel tense or if you’re unsure, a brief pause can help you regain clarity. It shows that you’re thoughtful, not reactive. Pausing gives both you and the other person a chance to absorb what’s been said.
8. Repeat back what you heard.
Reflecting back what the other person said shows you’re listening and allows you to check for understanding. Try saying, “So what I’m hearing is…” to confirm you’re both on the same page. This can prevent misinterpretations and keeps the conversation grounded. It’s a simple way to avoid confusion and show respect.
9. Set boundaries calmly.
If the conversation crosses into uncomfortable territory, setting boundaries can keep it on track. Stating something like, “I’d rather not discuss this topic,” can help you protect your comfort level without causing a scene. Boundaries let the other person know what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Calmly asserting boundaries often keeps conversations respectful.
10. Stay focused on the issue, not the person.
It’s easy to drift into personal criticism, especially in tough conversations, but this can make things worse. Focusing on the issue at hand, rather than the person, keeps the conversation constructive. By addressing actions instead of character, you’re more likely to find solutions. Staying issue-focused shows that you’re there to resolve, not blame.
11. Be prepared to walk away if needed.
Sometimes, the best way to assert yourself is to know when to step back. If the conversation isn’t productive or feels disrespectful, it’s okay to pause and revisit later. Saying something like, “Let’s take a break and continue this later,” can de-escalate things. Walking away doesn’t mean giving up—it’s about preserving respect.
12. Use facts and examples instead of generalisations.
Using specific examples instead of broad statements like “You always…” or “You never…” makes your points clearer and harder to dismiss. Facts are easier to discuss than vague claims, and they help avoid defensiveness. Backing up your statements with details keeps the conversation grounded in reality.
13. Remember to stay true to your values.
Assertive communication becomes easier when it aligns with your values. If something feels off or uncomfortable, ask yourself if it matches your core beliefs. Staying authentic helps you communicate confidently and clearly. Knowing your values gives you a solid foundation to build on in any conversation.
14. Practice active listening.
Being assertive doesn’t mean you don’t listen. Active listening shows that you’re engaged and that you care about what the other person is saying. Nodding or giving verbal affirmations like “I see” can help. When you listen actively, you’re more likely to find common ground and keep the conversation balanced.
15. End on a respectful note, regardless of the outcome.
Whether or not the conversation went as planned, ending it respectfully leaves things on a positive note. Thank the person for their time or their willingness to discuss the issue. Respectful endings help keep the door open for future conversations, even if there wasn’t total agreement. It’s a simple way to maintain dignity on both sides.
