Given that narcissists thrive on control, once they no longer have it, they don’t react well.
Once you realise what they’re up to and start standing up for yourself, they no longer have power over you. However, instead of accepting that you’re no longer their victim and moving on, the narcissist in your life is likely to strike back in ways that are somewhat hilarious, desperate, and potentially dangerous. The good thing is that if you’re prepared, you can take steps to protect yourself.
1. They’ll try to gaslight you more.
When they sense their control slipping, narcissists will often escalate their attempts to gaslight you. They’ll twist facts, deny past events, or make you question your own reality in a desperate attempt to regain power. It’s their way of manipulating your perception, hoping you’ll start doubting your own experiences. It can be emotionally exhausting and confusing, but recognising it can help you resist falling back under their control.
2. They’ll become more aggressive or hostile.
If manipulation no longer works, their aggression levels may rise. Narcissists will sometimes resort to outright hostility, trying to intimidate or belittle you into submission. Obviously, this is a last-ditch effort to assert control. It might not always be physical aggression, but verbal jabs, threats, or even passive-aggressive comments can be their way of re-establishing dominance. It can feel overwhelming, but understanding it as a tactic rather than personal animosity can help you remain calm.
3. They’ll play the victim card.
Narcissists are masters at shifting the narrative. When they can’t control you, they may start acting like the victim, hoping that sympathy from other people will shift the focus away from their manipulative behaviour and back onto them. They might say things like, “I can’t believe you’re treating me like this,” to garner support and turn people against you. It’s an attempt to gain emotional control through pity, and it often works because people are more likely to respond to a victim than a villain.
4. They’ll attempt to isolate you.
Feeling their influence wane, narcissists may try to isolate you from your friends or family. They know that cutting off your support system makes it easier for them to regain control and keep you on edge. They’ll plant seeds of doubt about the people who care about you, questioning their motives or loyalty. This isolation tactic is one of the most dangerous, as it cuts you off from people who could offer perspective and support when you need it the most.
5. They’ll escalate their charm offensive.
When losing control, a narcissist might suddenly turn on the charm, trying to win you back with sweet words or over-the-top gestures. It’s not because they truly care, but because they want to reassert their influence. They’ll say anything to make you believe they’ve changed or that they’re truly invested, even though the pattern will likely repeat. They’re trying to lower your guard and make you more vulnerable to their manipulation once again.
6. They’ll use guilt to manipulate you.
If they can’t control you through intimidation, narcissists often turn to guilt. They might say things like, “After everything I’ve done for you,” trying to make you feel responsible for their emotional state or actions. They’ll manipulate your sense of loyalty or make you feel as though you owe them something, hoping to regain control over you through your compassion. Spotting this tactic can help you set boundaries and avoid falling into the guilt trap.
7. They’ll try to provoke jealousy.
When losing control, they might try to stir jealousy, often by flirting with other people or talking about their new “friends” to make you feel insecure. They want to remind you that they still have options, hoping to manipulate your emotions. They do this to make you feel threatened and more likely to cling to the relationship. By making you feel jealous, they can reignite your desire to ‘win them back,’ giving them the power they’ve lost.
8. They’ll try to turn people against you.
If the narcissist can’t get you back in line, they might turn your mutual friends or family against you. They’ll spread lies or half-truths to make you look bad and regain their control through social manipulation. This often involves playing the victim and painting themselves as the misunderstood one. By controlling the narrative with other people, they attempt to isolate you even further, leaving you more vulnerable to their influence and cutting off the people who could help you.
9. They’ll act like nothing’s changed.
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, narcissists will try to pretend nothing is wrong, going about their business as if everything is still under their control. They’ll downplay any tension and act as though they still hold the power. Their denial can be confusing, especially when their actions say otherwise. However, it can also be a way of keeping you unsure of what’s really happening, making it harder for you to break free from their control.
10. They’ll try to make you feel crazy.
Source: Unsplash Another classic tactic is to make you feel like you’re the one overreacting. Narcissists will push your buttons, then accuse you of being too sensitive, hoping to make you question your own emotional responses and reactions. This type of manipulation is often referred to as “crazy-making” and can leave you second-guessing your own sanity. Recognising it for what it is can help you stay grounded in your own reality.
11. They’ll suddenly withdraw or become distant.
Source: Unsplash When they can’t manipulate you, narcissists may withdraw emotionally, creating distance in the relationship. The silent treatment is their way of punishing you, hoping you’ll chase them to regain their attention and power. It can be especially hurtful because it feels like an emotional abandonment, making you question whether you’ve done something wrong. Understanding this as a tactic, rather than an actual reflection of their feelings, can help you break free from the cycle.
12. They’ll start drama over nothing.
Source: Unsplash In a bid to regain control, narcissists often create drama out of the smallest issues. It’s a tactic to destabilise your sense of peace and make you feel like walking on eggshells around them. By stirring the pot, they can shift the focus away from their lost control and back onto their manipulative behaviour. Recognising this can help you stay calm and avoid getting dragged into unnecessary conflict.
13. They’ll become passive-aggressive.
Source: Unsplash If direct control is slipping away, narcissists may use passive-aggressive behaviour to manipulate. They’ll make snide comments, withhold affection, or act out in subtle ways to express their anger without directly confronting the issue. It’s a way of punishing you without taking responsibility for their actions. Understanding what they’re up to here helps you not to react emotionally, which is exactly what they want.
14. They’ll use flattery to regain your trust.
Source: Unsplash In an attempt to win back your trust, they might lay on the compliments thick. This isn’t about genuinely caring for you; it’s about getting you back under their thumb so they can feel in control again. They might say things like, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” to reel you back in. Recognising this as manipulation can help you keep your boundaries firm.
15. They’ll move on quickly, but keep tabs on you.
Source: Unsplash Once they sense that you’re no longer within their grasp, narcissists often move on quickly to a new source of validation. However, they may still keep tabs on you, either through social media or mutual connections, to ensure they haven’t completely lost their power. They might even try to come back into your life when they feel ready, always keeping control in the back of their mind.
