Not everyone who’s upset with you is going to come right out and say it, unfortunately. (Wouldn’t that be convenient?)
Some people hold onto things long after they’ve happened, even if they smile and act like everything’s fine to your face. If something feels off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it, it might be because someone’s still silently nursing a grudge. Here are a few signs that might be what’s really going on. What you do about it is up to you, but at least you’ll know where you stand.
1. Their compliments feel oddly pointed.
They say nice things, but there’s always a twist. It might sound like a compliment, but there’s a sting underneath. “You actually look really put together today,” or “I was surprised you handled that so well.” It’s hard to call them out because technically, they’re being polite.
These backhanded remarks are often a passive way of letting you know they haven’t forgotten whatever you did, or what they think you did. It’s their way of getting a dig in without making it a full-blown confrontation.
2. They suddenly go cold without explanation.
One day, they’re friendly and engaged, and the next they’re distant. They don’t start fights, they just stop putting in any real effort. No more checking in, no more enthusiasm, and conversations start feeling surface-level at best. When someone’s holding a grudge, pulling away can feel safer than talking about it. They might still be around, but they’re no longer emotionally available, and that change can be more telling than words.
3. They avoid being alone with you.
They’ll happily chat in a group, but one-on-one? They’re always busy, distracted, or suddenly in a rush. You get the sense they’re managing you more than engaging with you. It’s like they’re okay with your presence… as long as it’s buffered. This usually points to unresolved tension. Being alone with you might mean having to talk about whatever’s going unsaid, and they’re not ready, or willing, to go there yet.
4. They bring up old stuff in random ways.
Maybe you thought an argument from six months ago was long buried, but then they mention it during an unrelated chat, like it just happened yesterday. They’re still holding onto it, even if they’re pretending to joke. It’s usually a sign they haven’t fully moved on. The memory still bothers them, and slipping it into casual conversation is their way of keeping the issue alive without actually starting a new one.
5. They’re not happy when good things happen to you.
When something good happens in your life, they go quiet. There’s no message, no reaction, or just a forced “nice” that feels more like an obligation than support. They’re not busy; resentment just creeps in when you’re doing well. People who are holding grudges often struggle to feel happy for someone they’re still upset with. Your success reminds them of the distance between you, and instead of dealing with it, they just pull back even more.
6. You hear about their feelings from other people.
If you’re getting secondhand info like, “They said they were a bit hurt by what happened,” it might be because they’re not ready to tell you directly. They’re still talking about it, but only when you’re not around. That kind of indirect communication usually means they’re still emotionally invested. They haven’t let it go, even if they’ve stopped talking to you about it. The fact they’re talking to other people means the grudge is still silently in play.
7. Their jokes are all aimed at you.
Some people turn grudges into running jokes, teasing you a little too often or in ways that touch on sore spots. It’s brushed off as humour, but it feels more like they’re working something out through sarcasm. Humour can be a safe outlet for resentment, especially if they’re not comfortable expressing it directly. However, when all the jokes come your way and there’s tension underneath, it’s usually not just banter. In reality, it’s baggage.
8. They seem overly neutral in group decisions.
When your name comes up in group plans or projects, they don’t argue. Instead, they just go quiet—no enthusiasm, no pushback, just a flat “whatever works.” It’s not disapproval, but it’s definitely not support either. That passive neutrality often shows they haven’t forgiven or forgotten. Instead of making a scene, they just stop backing you. Their silence becomes the message, and it can change the dynamic without most people even noticing.
9. They correct you over small things.
You misremember a date or make a harmless mistake, and they’re right there to point it out. It’s not in a helpful way, either, but with a certain tone that makes it feel like they’ve been waiting for you to slip up. It’s less about the mistake and more about the satisfaction of catching you off guard. That need to assert something, anything, often points to resentment still simmering just beneath the surface.
10. They act polite, but it feels like a performance.
They say all the right things and smile when they’re supposed to, but the whole interaction feels hollow. You get the sense they’re ticking boxes instead of genuinely engaging. It’s the emotional version of autopilot. When someone holds a grudge but doesn’t want to confront it, that sort of detached politeness is a common fallback. It keeps things civil on the outside, even when there’s still tension brewing underneath.
11. They withhold small courtesies.
Maybe they used to send a quick birthday message or check in when something big was going on. Now? Radio silence. It’s not dramatic, but it’s noticeable. They’re not being mean; they’re just… absent. Sadly, it’s often a way to communicate that something’s still not okay. It’s the kind of grudge that plays out through what they no longer do, rather than what they say outright.
12. They stop trusting you with anything personal.
You notice they’re opening up to other people, but not to you anymore. Conversations stay safe, surface-level, and guarded. You’re no longer part of their inner circle, even if you once were. That loss of trust is a big sign something changed. When people hold onto resentment, vulnerability feels risky. So instead of telling you they’re still hurt, they build walls and call it “moving on.”
13. Their body language gives them away.
Sometimes it’s not what they say, it’s how they act. Crossed arms, lack of eye contact, stiff posture when you’re talking. They might not realise they’re doing it, but their body’s saying what their words won’t. We often try to mask how we feel, but tension has a way of showing up anyway. If someone’s still carrying emotional weight from a past issue, it can leak out in the way they carry themselves around you.
14. They never really say, “We’re good.”
Even if time’s passed and things seem calmer, you never actually get a clear moment where they say, “It’s okay” or “Let’s move on.” It’s just… left hanging. That unspoken pause can keep things stuck. If someone hasn’t told you it’s behind them, chances are it’s not. That missing closure often says more than an outburst ever could. Sometimes silence isn’t peace. Instead, it’s just unfinished business waiting to resurface.
