Sometimes the most damaging words don’t come in the form of obvious insults.
Toxic people are a bit slippier than that, and they have a way of slipping in subtle phrases that seem harmless but leave you feeling small. Here are some of those phrases to watch out for, why they’re damaging, and how to spot them before they undermine your self-worth.
1. “I’m just joking!”
After saying something hurtful, they cover it up with this phrase. It’s a subtle way to make you feel like you can’t take a joke or are being uptight. In reality, it gives them a free pass to be mean while putting the blame on you for reacting. Pay attention to how the “joke” makes you feel — if it stings, your feelings are valid.
2. “You know how you get.”
When you express frustration or have an emotional reaction, this makes it sound like your behaviour is the problem. It’s a sneaky way to invalidate you and paint you as irrational. Instead of considering your point of view, they make it seem like your personality is the issue. Don’t let this gaslighting tactic make you doubt your right to feel things deeply.
3. “Everyone else thinks so too.”
This implies that your thoughts or actions are out of line with what’s “normal” or accepted. Toxic people use it to make you feel like the odd one out, even if there’s no “everyone else” behind their claim. It’s an attempt to isolate you and make you doubt your own perspective. If they can’t back up their claim with specifics, trust your instincts.
4. “You’re lucky I put up with you.”
This one seems like a backhanded compliment, but really says you’re not worth the effort. It undermines your sense of self-worth by making you feel like you’re hard to love or deal with. In reality, relationships aren’t about someone “putting up” with you — they should be about mutual respect and appreciation. No one should make you feel like they’re doing you a favour by being in your life.
5. “I thought you knew better.”
This sounds like it’s about disappointment, but it’s actually a subtle dig. It implies that you’ve fallen short of an expectation they set for you. Toxic people use it to make you feel ashamed and doubt your own judgement. Remember, making mistakes doesn’t mean you lack intelligence or wisdom — it means you’re human.
6. “It’s just common sense.”
When someone says this after you ask a question or express confusion, it’s meant to make you feel stupid. Instead of offering help or clarification, they dismiss your concerns as basic knowledge you should already have. It chips away at your confidence and discourages you from asking for help in the future. Don’t let it stop you from asking questions — everyone learns differently.
7. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
This makes it seem like you’re incapable of grasping something complex. Toxic people use it to make themselves feel superior while belittling your intelligence. In reality, it’s a tactic to avoid explaining themselves or being held accountable. You’re smarter than they give you credit for, and you deserve to be part of the conversation.
8. “That’s just how things are.”
When you question something unfair or express a desire for change, this phrase shuts down the conversation. It implies that your concerns are pointless or naive. Toxic people use it to avoid taking responsibility or addressing issues. Don’t let it discourage you — challenging the status quo is how progress happens, and your voice matters.
9. “I’m just looking out for you.”
This often follows unsolicited advice or criticism. While it sounds caring, it’s a cover for undermining your choices or independence. Toxic people use it to justify overstepping boundaries or controlling your decisions. True support respects your autonomy and doesn’t disguise judgement as concern.
10. “You used to be more fun.”
When you set boundaries or change your priorities, this is supposed to make you feel guilty. It suggests that by taking care of yourself, you’ve lost some essential part of who you are. Toxic people use it to pressure you into reverting to behaviours that served *them*. Remember, growing and setting limits doesn’t make you less fun — it makes you healthier.
11. “I wouldn’t take it so personally if I were you.”
This is a classic way of deflecting responsibility. If you’re hurt or offended, they make it seem like it’s your fault for being too sensitive. It shifts the focus away from their behaviour and onto your reaction. Your feelings are personal because *you* are personal. Don’t let them make you feel wrong for caring.
12. “Relax, it’s not that big a deal.”
When something upsets you, and you express it, this brushes off your feelings. Toxic people use it to downplay issues they don’t want to address or take seriously. It makes you feel like you’re overreacting when you’re actually just responding to a real problem. Your feelings matter, and you deserve to be taken seriously.
13. “You’re imagining things.”
Whenever you raise a concern or point out hurtful behaviour, this dismisses your perspective and the way you see things. It’s a form of gaslighting that makes you question your judgement and memories. Toxic people use it to avoid accountability and make you feel irrational. Trust your gut — if something feels off, it probably is.
14. “You’re always overthinking.”
When you express concerns or try to discuss an issue, this undermines your thought process. It suggests that your careful consideration is a flaw. Toxic people use it to shut down meaningful conversations and avoid addressing real problems. Thoughtfulness isn’t overthinking — it’s a strength, and your insights are valuable.
15. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
This sounds supportive, but is often a subtle way of leaving you stranded. Toxic people use it when they could offer help or support, but choose not to. It makes you feel like you’re on your own, even when you need teamwork or reassurance. Healthy relationships are about mutual support — you don’t always have to go it alone.
