Love can be blind, but when it comes to narcissists, it’s important to take off the rose-coloured glasses.
These red flags might be waving right in front of you, even if you’re trying hard not to see them. Remember, recognising these signs is the first step towards protecting yourself and your well-being.
1. They’re always the hero or victim in their stories.
Every tale they tell casts them as either the triumphant protagonist or the unfairly treated victim. There’s no middle ground, no room for nuance or self-reflection. This black-and-white thinking extends to their view of other people, too – you’re either with them or against them, and the roles can switch instantly.
2. They can’t handle criticism.
Even the gentlest feedback is met with defensiveness, anger, or a dramatic emotional response. They might turn the tables, attacking you for daring to criticise them, or play the victim to make you feel guilty. This hypersensitivity to criticism often stems from a fragile self-esteem masked by a grandiose exterior.
3. They lack empathy.
When you’re hurting, they seem annoyed rather than concerned. They struggle to put themselves in your shoes or consider your feelings. This lack of empathy can extend to other people, with the narcissist showing a callous disregard for the emotions and experiences of those around them.
4. They’re constantly seeking admiration.
It’s like they’re addicted to praise, always fishing for compliments or creating situations where they’ll be the centre of attention. This need for constant admiration is insatiable, and you might find yourself exhausted trying to fill this bottomless pit of ego validation.
5. They have a sense of entitlement.
Rules are for other people, not them. They expect special treatment and become indignant when they don’t receive it. This entitlement can manifest in small ways, like always expecting to skip the line, or in larger issues, like feeling entitled to your unwavering devotion regardless of their behaviour.
6. They gaslight you.
You find yourself constantly questioning your own memory and perception of events. They twist situations to make you doubt yourself, often insisting that you’re the one with the problem. This manipulation tactic is particularly insidious as it destroys your self-trust over time.
7. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance.
They believe they’re better than everyone else and expect to be recognised as such without commensurate achievements. This inflated self-image often leads them to exaggerate their talents and accomplishments, sometimes even fabricating achievements to bolster their perceived importance.
8. They monopolise conversations.
Every discussion somehow circles back to them. They interrupt, talk over people, and show little interest in what anyone else has to say. This conversational narcissism extends beyond just being self-centred; it’s a complete inability to engage in reciprocal dialogue.
9. They’re jealous and competitive.
They can’t stand to see other people succeed, especially if it overshadows them. Your achievements are often met with subtle put-downs or attempts to one-up you. This competitive nature isn’t limited to you; they often view life as a zero-sum game where someone else’s gain is inherently their loss.
10. They use people.
Relationships are transactional for them. They cultivate connections based on what they can gain, discarding people when they’re no longer useful. This exploitation isn’t always obvious; they can be charming and seemingly generous, but there’s always an underlying motive of self-interest.
11. They lack boundaries.
Your personal space, time, and possessions mean little to them. They overstep limits without consideration, often justifying their actions with “but we’re close” or “you don’t mind, do you?” This disregard for boundaries can extend to emotional boundaries too, with the narcissist feeling entitled to your emotional energy and support at all times.
12. They have a history of troubled relationships.
Ex-partners are all “crazy,” friends are all “jealous,” and they’re never at fault for any relationship problems. This pattern of failed relationships and inability to take responsibility is a major red flag. The narcissist’s version of relationship history is often heavily edited to cast them in the best light possible.
13. They’re quick to anger.
Minor inconveniences or perceived slights can trigger disproportionate rage. This hair-trigger temper keeps you walking on eggshells, never sure what might set them off. The unpredictability of their anger serves as a control mechanism, keeping you in a constant state of anxiety and compliance.
14. They can’t apologise sincerely.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. They struggle to take responsibility for their actions or acknowledge how they’ve hurt people. When they do apologise, it often comes with justifications or is quickly followed by behaviour that contradicts the apology, showing a lack of genuine remorse or intention to change.
15. They have a Jekyll and Hyde personality.
One moment they’re charming and affectionate, the next they’re cold and cruel. This inconsistency keeps you off-balance and constantly trying to please them. The contrast between their public persona and private behaviour can be stark, leaving you feeling confused and questioning your own perceptions.
16. They’re constantly comparing.
Everything is a competition, and they always have to come out on top. They might compare you in a negative way to other people as a way to keep you insecure and vying for their approval. This comparison extends beyond personal relationships; they’re constantly measuring themselves against other people in all aspects of life, always needing to be seen as the best.
17. They lack accountability.
Nothing is ever their fault. They have an excuse for everything and are quick to shift blame onto other people. This refusal to take responsibility extends to all areas of their life, from work to personal relationships, creating a pattern of avoiding consequences for their actions.
18. They give backhanded compliments.
Their praise often comes with a sting in the tail. These subtle put-downs disguised as compliments are designed to keep you off-balance and seeking their approval. The narcissist uses these backhanded compliments as a form of manipulation, simultaneously building you up and tearing you down to maintain control over your self-esteem.
