There’s a big difference between following your faith and getting caught up in something that feels more like a cult. Sometimes people start out with good intentions, but things slowly turn into fear, pressure, and control. It’s not always loud or obvious, but over time, the space starts to feel less like a safe spiritual home and more like something you’re afraid to leave. Real faith doesn’t need fear to survive, and God definitely doesn’t need people to act like mini dictators in His name. Here are 14 behaviours that might look spiritual on the surface but are actually about control, not connection.
1. Treating doubt like a sin
In some groups, asking questions or expressing doubt gets treated like a spiritual failure. But curiosity isn’t a flaw. Doubt can be the doorway to a deeper, more honest faith… if you’re allowed to talk about it. When people are pressured to nod along even when they’re unsure, that’s not belief. Instead, it’s fear in disguise. You shouldn’t have to fake certainty just to belong. Honest faith means being able to say, “I don’t know,” without being shamed for it. If a space can’t handle your questions, it probably can’t handle your truth either.
2. Caring more about appearances than people
Some spaces put a ton of energy into looking good: matching outfits, big smiles, all the right phrases. But behind the scenes, there’s gossip, judgement, or a lack of real support. That kind of surface-level religion might feel shiny, but it’s empty underneath. Spirituality isn’t a performance. God isn’t handing out gold stars for wearing the right thing or pretending your life is perfect. If looking the part matters more than being kind, something’s off.
3. Using shame to keep people in line
It’s one thing to help someone grow. It’s another to shame them into obedience. Calling people out in front of other people, guilt-tripping them over personal struggles, or dragging their name through the mud? That’s pure humiliation. Growth happens when people feel safe, not when they’re scared of messing up. Real faith doesn’t use shame as a tool. It builds people up, even when they’re at their lowest.
4. Saying therapy means you don’t have enough faith
Sometimes faith leaders act like praying harder is the only solution to anxiety, trauma, or depression. Of course, mental health struggles aren’t a sign of weak belief; they’re part of being human. Telling people to avoid therapy or medication because “God will handle it” can cause more harm than help. Faith and therapy can absolutely coexist. God isn’t threatened by counselling. Sometimes the most faithful thing you can do is ask for real help and take it.
5. Acting like leaders can do no wrong
When someone in charge can’t be questioned or held accountable, the whole system becomes dangerous. No leader is perfect, and pretending they are only leads to silence, fear, and cover-ups. Respecting a leader is one thing; worshipping them is another. If challenging them feels unsafe, or if they demand obedience without conversation, that’s ego wrapped in a title.
6. Treating disagreement like rebellion
In some groups, disagreeing with the official line, even politely, gets labelled as prideful, rebellious, or dangerous. But faith isn’t supposed to be a dictatorship. If everyone’s expected to think exactly the same way all the time, it stops being a community and starts being a cult. You should be able to ask questions or see things differently without being pushed out. Disagreement isn’t the enemy of unity; it’s how real growth happens.
7. Getting way too involved in people’s private lives
It’s one thing to support each other through life’s ups and downs. But when a group starts tracking who you’re dating, what you’re wearing, or whether you’re drinking wine on the weekend, that crosses into control. Everyone deserves some breathing room. If you’re constantly worried that someone’s watching or reporting you, that’s not healthy community. It’s surveillance dressed up as concern.
8. Using “God told me…” to pressure people
Sometimes people claim that God gave them a specific message about what someone else should do, like who to marry, where to work, what choices to make. That can sound spiritual, but it’s often a way to push personal opinions while dodging accountability. If a message from God conveniently matches someone else’s agenda, or makes you feel forced instead of free, it might not be coming from where they say it is. Real spiritual insight invites, it doesn’t coerce.
9. Creating an ‘in group’ and an ‘out group’
Faith communities should be open, welcoming places, but sometimes they become cliquey. If you don’t talk the same way, follow every rule, or fit the mould, you get sidelined. Suddenly, it’s less about spiritual connection and more about who’s “in” and who’s “out.” Real faith doesn’t turn people into outsiders for being different. If you’re being judged for not dressing, praying, or acting a certain way, that’s not God talking, unfortunately. It’s groupthink.
10. Demanding loyalty to the group above all else
If you’re told that the church or group should be your only family, and that friends or loved ones outside it are “bad influences,” that’s a warning sign. Healthy communities don’t isolate people. Instead, they support their outside relationships too. When belonging starts to look like cutting off everyone else, it’s not about faith anymore. It’s about control. Loyalty should never mean losing yourself.
11. Acting like suffering proves you’re holy
Some people think the more miserable you are, the closer you are to God. But constant suffering isn’t a badge of honour. Sometimes it’s just burnout, abuse, or neglect being praised as “spiritual growth.” You don’t need to stay in painful situations to prove your faith. Choosing peace, rest, or boundaries doesn’t make you less faithful.
12. Painting the whole outside world as evil
When everything outside the group is seen as dangerous or ungodly, it creates fear instead of faith. Music, books, ideas, even friends are suddenly off-limits, not because they’re harmful, but because they’re “not from us.” That kind of thinking shuts people down and keeps them stuck. You can hold onto your values without living in fear of everything different.
13. Using the Bible to control, not connect
Quoting scripture to shut someone down, win an argument, or shame them into obedience isn’t spiritual. The Bible isn’t a weapon; it’s meant to help people grow, not scare them into silence. If verses are being used to dominate instead of encourage, then something’s been twisted. Real faith uses truth with love, not as a mic drop.
14. Confusing strictness with spiritual strength
Just because someone follows every rule doesn’t mean they’re spiritually mature. Real growth shows up in how people treat others, especially when no one’s watching. If someone seems more focused on discipline than on compassion, they might not be as spiritually “strong” as they appear. Faith should make people softer, not scarier.
If you’ve seen these behaviours up close, it’s okay to step back and ask questions. Faith isn’t supposed to feel like a trap. It’s supposed to make you feel more alive, not more afraid.
