Your love language isn’t just a cute personality quiz result—it’s something formed by the little (and big) moments from your childhood.
The way you were shown affection, the emotional gaps you felt, or the dynamics you witnessed all play a role in how you give and receive love now. Some of the things that contributed to your love language are obvious, of course, but others are a little subtler and harder to spot. Here are a few childhood experiences that quietly influence the way you love as an adult.
1. Being praised for achievements more than effort
If you grew up in a home where praise only came when you performed well—good grades, winning games, doing things perfectly—you may have internalised the idea that love is earned, not freely given. That can lead you to crave words of affirmation as an adult, especially around accomplishments.
It’s not just about wanting compliments; it’s about needing reassurance that you’re still worthy even when you’re not “achieving.” That early link between praise and value runs deep, and it can stick around long after school days are over.
2. Rare physical affection from the people who raised you
If hugs and physical closeness weren’t a regular part of your childhood, you might have a complicated relationship with touch now. Some people go the opposite way and crave physical affection as adults, while others feel uneasy with it altogether.
Either way, it usually traces back to what was modelled (or missing) early on. If you’re someone who now values hand-holding, cuddles, or a comforting hand on your back, it could be your way of meeting the touch you didn’t often get growing up.
3. Being expected to act “grown up” too soon
If you were the responsible one in the house who did all the caring for siblings, managing emotions, or handling stress that wasn’t yours to carry, you likely grew up fast. That kind of childhood often pushes people to prioritise acts of service in adulthood.
You might not always recognise it, but showing love through doing—helping, fixing, planning—is a familiar and safe way to connect. And you may also expect the same in return, valuing people who ease your load without needing to be asked.
4. Hearing “I love you” all the time (or barely ever)
Some families say “I love you” like it’s punctuation; others save it for major moments, if they say it at all. The environment you grew up in shapes whether words of affirmation feel natural or deeply meaningful (or both).
If hearing “I love you” was rare, you might now cling to those words like emotional lifelines. Or, if they were said often but without real action to back them up, you might be more sceptical of sweet talk and look for proof in other ways.
5. Getting gifts as a substitute for attention
Some kids were showered with gifts when their parents felt guilty or wanted to distract from emotional distance. While gifts can be lovely, when they replaced meaningful time or emotional presence, they sent a different message entirely.
As an adult, receiving gifts might hit you in complex ways. Either it makes you feel deeply seen, or it brings up questions about what’s missing. If you give or receive gifts as a love language, it’s often not about the item, but the intention behind it.
6. Growing up in a chaotic or unpredictable home
When your childhood home felt unstable, emotionally or physically, it can lead to an intense need for consistency and reliability. That often shows up in the form of valuing quality time as an adult.
You want someone who’s there, who shows up, who sticks around even when things aren’t perfect. Shared time becomes the ultimate reassurance, because it’s something you couldn’t always count on when you were younger.
7. Being told to “toughen up” or hide your feelings
If expressing emotion wasn’t welcomed or was even punished in your early years, you might struggle to be vulnerable now. You might also find yourself gravitating toward people who show love through actions rather than emotions.
This can shape your love language into something more practical, such as acts of service or physical touch, because those forms feel less risky than words or emotional intimacy. Deep down, though, you might still be craving that emotional safety you never got.
8. Seeing one parent do everything for the other
If you watched a parent constantly give without getting much back—always cooking, cleaning, or handling everything—you may have absorbed some skewed ideas about love and self-worth. That can lead to over-functioning in relationships.
You might now equate love with doing, not being. Acts of service become your go-to way of showing you care, but it might come at a cost, such as feeling drained or unseen if your effort isn’t acknowledged or returned.
9. Being regularly left out or overlooked
If you were the quiet sibling, the middle child, or just often left to entertain yourself, it’s easy to grow up feeling invisible. That can turn into a strong desire to feel chosen and included as an adult.
For some, this turns into a deep appreciation for quality time or physical closeness. Being someone’s priority, having their full attention or affection, makes you feel secure in a way you didn’t get to experience as a kid.
10. Receiving inconsistent love
If love in your childhood came in bursts—affection one moment, cold distance the next—you might now associate love with uncertainty. That can make you chase highs and fear stability, or vice versa.
You might cling tightly to physical touch or reassurance, or constantly test people to see if they’ll leave. Your love language might change based on who you’re with, because part of you is still trying to make sense of what real, steady love feels like.
11. Being compared to other people constantly
If you were always being measured against siblings, classmates, or some ideal version of you, it probably made you question whether you were “enough.” That kind of pressure can make praise and affirmation feel extra powerful now.
You may crave validation and verbal support in relationships, not because you’re needy, but because you’re still unlearning the belief that your worth is conditional. Words can feel like healing when they’re finally given freely and without strings attached.
12. Having parents who were emotionally distant but provided well
Some families are great at providing for basic needs—food, shelter, education—but fall short emotionally. If that was your reality, you might now associate love more with practical effort than with emotional connection.
Acts of service might speak louder than words for you. You may be someone who doesn’t need romantic speeches—just take the bins out without being asked, or bring you soup when you’re sick. That’s love to you, because that’s what you learned love looked like.
13. Experiencing a nurturing, emotionally present home
On the flip side, if you were lucky enough to grow up with consistent, loving attention, you might feel secure expressing love in a variety of ways. You probably find it easier to both give and receive affection, praise, and support.
This kind of upbringing often leads to balanced love languages. You might value quality time just as much as kind words or thoughtful gestures. And your comfort with emotional closeness becomes a gift you carry into every relationship.
