Relationships are complicated enough as it is; when you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t play fair, they can feel downright impossible.
Toxic behaviour isn’t always obvious, and it can leave you feeling confused, doubting yourself, and emotionally drained. If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly walking on eggshells or questioning your own sanity in a relationship, you might be dealing with a toxic partner. Here are some mind games to watch out for.
1. They blow hot and cold to keep you off balance.
One day, they’re love-bombing you with affection, the next they’re distant and cold. Their unpredictable behaviour keeps you constantly guessing and anxious about where you stand. You end up working harder to win back their attention and approval, which just gives them more power in the relationship.
2. They use the silent treatment as a form of punishment.
When you’ve ‘messed up’ or disagreed with them, they might suddenly stop communicating. This silent treatment isn’t about taking space to cool off — it’s a calculated move to make you feel anxious and guilty. You end up apologising for things that aren’t your fault just to end the silence.
3. They twist your words to use them against you.
In arguments, they have a knack for misinterpreting what you say or taking it out of context. Suddenly, you’re defending yourself against accusations that have little to do with what you actually said, which leaves you feeling misunderstood and hesitant to express yourself in the future.
4. They make grand promises they never intend to keep.
They promise the moon and stars to keep you hooked, but these promises rarely materialise. When you call them out, they have a ready excuse or act like you’re being unreasonable for expecting them to follow through. This cycle of hope and disappointment keeps you emotionally invested.
5. They use jealousy as a tool to control you.
They might flirt with other people right in front of you or constantly bring up their exes. When you let them know it makes you uncomfortable/unhappy, they accuse you of being insecure or controlling. Their manipulation keeps you on edge and more likely to overlook their bad behaviour to prove you’re not the ‘jealous type’.
6. They gaslight you into doubting your own perceptions.
When you confront them about their behaviour, they deny it happened or insist you’re remembering things wrong. Over time, this makes you doubt your own memory and judgement. You start to rely on them to tell you what’s ‘real’, giving them immense power over your reality.
7. They use your insecurities against you.
They’ve paid attention to your vulnerabilities, and they’re not afraid to use them. In arguments or when they want something from you, they might make subtle digs about your insecurities. This keeps you feeling inadequate and more likely to comply with their wishes.
8. They shift blame to avoid responsibility.
No matter what goes wrong, it’s never their fault. They’re masters at turning situations around, so you end up apologising, even when they’re clearly in the wrong. Their constant deflection of responsibility leaves you feeling guilty and confused.
9. They withhold affection to manipulate you.
Affection becomes a currency they use to control your behaviour. If you don’t do what they want, they become cold and distant. This creates a pattern where you’re constantly trying to ‘earn’ their love and approval.
10. They use selective memory to their advantage.
They conveniently forget promises they’ve made or hurtful things they’ve said, but they have perfect recall when it comes to your mistakes. Their selective memory allows them to avoid accountability while keeping you on the defensive, and that’s just not right.
11. They create drama to keep you focused on them.
Just when things are going smoothly, they stir up conflict or create a crisis. This constant drama keeps you emotionally engaged and distracted from their underlying toxic behaviour. You’re too busy putting out fires to see the bigger picture.
12. They play the victim to manipulate your emotions.
When confronted with their behaviour, they turn the tables and paint themselves as the victim. They might bring up their difficult past or claim you’re being too hard on them, which makes you feel guilty for asserting your boundaries.
13. They use triangulation to create insecurity.
They might constantly compare you to other people — exes, friends, or even strangers. This comparison game is designed to keep you insecure and striving for their approval. You’re left feeling like you’re in constant competition for their affection.
14. They give backhanded compliments to undermine your confidence.
“You look nice today… for once.” These subtle put-downs disguised as compliments chip away at your self-esteem over time. You’re left feeling both flattered and insulted, unsure how to respond.
15. They use your words out of context in future arguments.
They have an uncanny ability to remember things you’ve said and use them against you later, often out of context. This makes you hesitant to open up or express yourself freely, for fear your words will be weaponised in future conflicts.
16. They move the goalposts to keep you striving.
No matter what you do, it’s never quite enough. As soon as you meet one expectation, they set a new, higher one. Their constant shifting of standards keeps you working hard for their approval, which always seems just out of reach.
17. They use intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked.
They mix in just enough kindness and affection between their toxic behaviours to keep you hoping things will change. This unpredictable pattern of rewards keeps you invested in the relationship, always holding out for the next ‘good’ moment.
